What A Day

The problem with saying out loud "I'm going to battle" is that people know about it... including your enemy. Man. I felt like I was under attack for a good portion of the day and then in full force when I got home tonight.

What is my problem? All day I think about how I want to be in my husbands arms, but when I get home I settle for a quick hug and kiss and then I'm off to the kitchen to make dinner. I know that he wishes that I paid him more attention in the evenings. But when I get home, I'm HUNGRY! I'm also tired. So the sooner I make dinner, the sooner I can sit, fixing the tired, and eat, fixing the hunger. Funny how MY solutions always seem to lead to more obstacles?

My food was okay today. Portions wise, right on track, but stats wise, could have been better. We don't have a great "healthy dinner" lineup yet. It's something that we talk about a lot but seem to never take the time or money to invest in exploring new options. So my food during the day is pretty good because I can control exactly what I am eating. I buy the groceries for ME so I give myself good options. But then I eat a dinner that hurts me a bit. I eat measured portions so I'm not getting carried away, but when a half a cup of stuffing is 175 calories, it ads a lot to the plate. And dinner tonight was not even fantastic... just okay.

Tonight was rough. I'm feeling a lot of pressure. Whether it is self imposed or not is, frankly, irrelevant – I'm feeling it. And I wish I were doing better. Today is only Monday so there is still a lot of potential for growth and improvement this week, but please Lord, let tonight be the low point.

One of the toughest things about being in a marriage is that when you fail, you're not just letting yourself down, you're letting your partner down as well. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me unconditionally. Who will wait patiently (most of the time =-) while I flit around and "finish my day" so that I can be in his arms. I pray there will never be a day that I make him wait too long and his arms are no longer available.

I'm putting this day to bed. Hope your week started well!

Starting Over... Again

There have definitely been moments along the way, probably a thousand or so, where I get upset with myself for having to start over again. I lose weight and then balloon again. It has always happened regardless of the method with which I lost the weight. Does that mean that it always WILL happen? I hope not. I am completely and utterly flawed, and will always make mistakes. The program would say that because I am an addict I can not reach recovery on my own. I am incapable of it. But there is a God that desires sobriety for me and he IS both ABLE and WILLING to take me there if I will follow him humbly and completely.

Sigh. So I guess that instead of being frustrated about going back to the beginning for the thousandth time, I should just be thankful that I am always able to begin again. That each day, each breath that we take, is a chance to start over. We can never outspend God's grace.

I'll take it!

So, Monday morning. Beginning again. Again.

This is a battle in every way. My food problems are not just a physical problem, they are spiritual as well. So I am battling myself, my desires and my cravings, but I am also battling an Enemy that knows me well. Knows what to say and when to say it. And he comes only to steal, kill and destroy. It sounds dramatic, I know... but if you could see me in my darkest hours... drama doesn't even really begin to describe it.

Anyway, if I'm headed into battle, I'd like to be armed. So this week I would like to form some kind of action, or to stick with my theme here, "battle plan". My weapons so far are my Bible, my food journal, some good food options, my blog, my scale, and last night I brought a new weapon into the game: a food scale. I got this scale for Christmas, not last year, but the year before. I opened it last night. hehe. Listen, I had NO WHERE to put it when I got it. I didn't have a kitchen! I was living in someone else's house! But now it is in the game. I used it for the first time this morning and it has ALREADY taught me a lesson! The tiny little apples that I buy to toss into my morning oatmeal so that it will keep me full longer, are not 50 calories like I had been estimating in my journal. They are 65!!! Ugh! Good to know.

Speaking of oatmeal, I buy instant. I always have. But for months now I have been wanting to look into the other kind. Umm, non instant? I know that certain kinds of oatmeal have more nutrients than others, and I'm pretty sure that my Quaker Apple Cinnamon instant oatmeal falls into the "others" category. If it would save me calories and add mega nutrients, then I should make the switch. But I haven't done the research to know what the stats are. I would like to change that.

The obvious piece of armor that has been missing from my life for several months now is exercise. I need a plan, big time! I was doing the Wii workout. It was not bad. I enjoyed it some of the time, and it may not be the most intense workout available, but it was a heck of a lot more movement than I have going on currently! What I would really like to do is walk though. I enjoy walking outside. A lot. I have a secret desire to be a runner, and I know that I have to start with walking. It's an easy exercise that anyone can do, right? I mean how can you make excuses not to walk??? Here's how: I don't know exactly WHERE I should walk. I live in an apartment building. There are no sidewalks anywhere near me. There is a sidewalk that goes around the back of my apartment, and I have walked that a few times, but sidewalk to parking lot a couple of times is not an enjoyable walk. I THINK there is a walking trail not far from here though. I drive past it sometimes and it looks like part of a trail. I have no idea where it goes, or where I could park, because there isn't a parking lot nearby, but I'd really like to check it out. Brett is not really comfortable with the idea of me walking by myself like that, but I told him I would carry mace... and hello??? I'm practically a ninja! I got this!

Okay, it's time for me to go get ready for work. My hope this week is to stay on plan with my food, to clarify what my plan actually is, and to seek out a place to walk.

Already, I've received some support from you, and I made that first post less than a day ago. Thank you for your words and your prayers. Really. Thank you. Here we go again!!!

Thanksgiving 2009

I love Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays. I love that it is a holiday that brings my whole family together. I love that it usually involves cooler weather. I love the way my mom's cooking fills the house with delicious smells. And I love that it means Christmas is getting close. (My Christmas countdown widget is FINALLY hanging ornaments on the little tree!!! It's blank all year until Christmas is 30 days away and then it hangs an ornament every day until Christmas day when it is full!!!)

This year was interesting. It's the first year that not all of my sisters and I are single. I'm a Bacon now and Mel is a Kennedy. I was living at home this time last year, frantically saving for the wedding, so this year I actually had to drive home for Thanksgiving lunch! I was worried that we wouldn't be able to all be together this year, but it worked out in the end.

This year, my family planned lunch at my parents house for the immediate family and then dinner at my Aunt Dinah's with my dad's side of the family. Dinah lives in Flower Mound so it was all nice and easy as far as driving goes. Brett and I were planning to have lunch at my parent's house and then dinner with his mom, but his mom decided last week that she would rather go visit her sister. So we ended up doing lunch at my parent's, coming home to rest for a bit and then having dinner in Flower Mound. I had a really good time! My parents made a FANTASTIC meal for lunch! My dad did a turkey and it was so juicy and tasty! And my mom did a ton of sides including my favorite, her homemade stuffing. It was so good this year!

Dinner at Dinah's was all of the basics again... all of the family staples. Dave's green beans, Dinah's potato casserole, Laura's cornbread, my banana pudding... TONS of food! And it was all delicious! And we have a couple of babies in the family right now, so that is really fun for us all! My cousin Haley's baby is 6 or 7 months old I think and my cousin Michael's baby is 4 months old I think. Maybe 3. Not sure. But they are both PRECIOUS!

So Thanksgiving was great. And so was... FRIDAY SHOPPING! My sister's and I are Friday and Thanksgiving shoppers. (How can I call it "Black Friday" when I enjoy so much???) So before and after the meals on Thursday, we were scanning the ads and forming a plan! It ended up just being me and Jenna this year... Laura didn't have enough people to shop for to justify getting up that early on a work day! And Mel was working too. =-( But Jenna and I were ready to go!

We always have a plan of action, and this year, it got changed up a bit along the way, but DEFINITELY worked out for the best! I woke up at 2:00 a.m. Friday morning, realized that I had a bit more time to rest, so I snoozed in the comfy chair in the study for 20 more minutes, then I got up, brushed my teeth, threw on clothes and headed out the door at 2:30! I got to the Irving mall at about 2:50. Our plan was to hit that Old Navy first because it was opening at 3:00, then head across the street to get in line at that Target, which was opening at 5:00. Well that plan would have worked if that Old Navy were opening at 3:00 like the ad said. But because it is in a mall and not a stand alone store, it wasn't opening until 5:00. So Jenna and I got into her car and headed to the Old Navy in Lewisville. We got there at 3:15, walked into the store and after about 60 seconds, walked back out. It was too crowded. We were there for the $5 fleeces and the store was so full we couldn't see the tables. The fleeces are kind of the Old Navy trademark, so we decided it was a pretty safe bet that they would still have some available if we came back after a few other stores. So we got back into the car and headed to the Target at Mac and 635. We got there a little before 4:00 and probably had 80 to 100 people in line in front of us. Not bad. Target was a complete success! We got everything that we went there for and didn't wait in line to pay for too long. Woohoo!

After Target we went to Walmart but they were sold out of what we were going there for. So we headed back across town to Anna's where they were selling $5 snuggies AND giving away coupons that were $10 off a purchase of $25 or more. Hello!!! I had $15 of things to buy there so I grabbed two snuggies and STILL only paid $15! It was our treat to ourselves... those two snuggies. Jenna got red and I got brown. Nice and cozy!

So after Anna's we were headed back to our original Old Navy location but we stopped at a Game Stop where I found exactly what I was looking for and stood in line for 30 minutes only to get to the counter and find out it was for the wrong product. I thought it was a case for a DSI but underneath the little Game Stop sticker, it said DS Lite. Thanks a lot.

But, once again, I am happy to say that Old Navy was a total success! Jenna got everything there that she was hoping to get and I got three gifts that I wasn't planning on that were SUCH good prices! Woohoo!

Then we swung by Big Lots to look at Christmas decorations and games, but left empty handed. After that Brett was awake so I took him breakfast while Jenna went to pick up leftovers from my parent's house. Then Jenna and I headed to Kohl's where once again, we had great success! I can't remember what time it was after that. I am thinking somewhere around 10:00??? Maybe 10:30 by the time I left? We popped into Ross where, once again, I found exactly what I was hoping to find! I was exhausted but really happy with all of my purchases. We both headed home after that and I took a much needed shower. Brett was back in bed and happily resting so I played a little Peggle while my hair dried. When he got up and I was slightly recovered, we headed out to grab a slice from New York Pizza Pasta and Subs, our fav, and then did a little window shopping. We have a few people on our list that we are still deciding what to buy. But we got some good ideas!

That afternoon, Brett had to be at work at 3:30 so I went to see a 4:35 showing of The Blind Side. Cried the WHOLE time. I cry really easily when I am tired. I cried during every preview, the whole movie, and shed fresh tears during the credits thinking about how much I love my family. I will buy this movie. It was a really great story and nicely made movie.

Saturday was restful. Today was church. And tomorrow is back to reality. It is way past my bedtime. This makes 4 posts in one day. A personal record, I believe. It's been so long since I've blogged though... I wanted to make up for a bit of lost time.

New Moon

Okay. I think that we all know that I am a fan of the Twilight series. I was reluctant to read the books because, well, the concept just seemed kind of cheesy to me. But I was looking for something to read and when my sister, Laura, told me how much she enjoyed the books, I knew it was time to investigate. That was probably a year or so ago and let me tell you... I LOVE 'EM! I have read each book twice and as soon as I am done with the story line Brett has me following (some Marvel comics... occasionally melodramatic, but some interesting characters) I am ready to read the Twilight books again!

I think that we also all know that I was NOT really a fan of the first movie. I remember when Brett and I went to see it. I was sitting in the theater just waiting for the lights to come on so I could apologize to Brett for dragging him to such a stinker. He however, not having read the books, thought the movie was just fine. He didn't really have any expectations going into it, so he just sat back and enjoyed it. And then there's me. Okay, I hate going into a movie with high expectations, but listen – I just couldn't help it, okay? I like these books. I love the characters. I mean, Alice??? Hello! LOVE HER! And Emmett? Come on. Every girl's dream big brother! But in the first movie, the story left little room for character development, the effects looked cheesy, the makeup looked bad and the acting was... not great. I bought the DVD when it came out hoping that over time my opinions would soften. I still let the movie run on my computer now and then but it didn't get better. Like leftovers from a bad meal... it just became easier to swallow.

BUT... I am happy, I mean I can't even BEGIN to tell you how happy I am, to say that New Moon was better in EVERY WAY! As much as I tried not to get my hopes up for this sequel, I couldn't help it... the trailers were TOTAL wins! I knew that this movie had a new director and a much bigger budget, and because I know the stories, I knew that some of the actors who bothered me so much in the first film wouldn't be in this one much.

Oh my goodness. I LOVED it! As far as story goes, the movie followed the book pretty closely. The only thing that I felt was lacking was, again, a characterization thing. Jacob is GREATNESS! And he was great in this movie. But he was serious the whole time. In the book, Jacob brought Bella back to life because he was bursting with joy. Her own private sunshine. And there wasn't really time for happy Jacob in the movie. Too bad. Kristen Stewart and Robbie Rob Pattinson still didn't give stellar performances in my opinion, but they certainly upgraded from bad soap acting to after school programs. We went from Days of Our Lives to The Cosby Show. An improvement.

AND THE WOLVES! The wolves looked SO good! I was SO pleased! The effects were just great. Kudos to the wolf guys because they looked so real and so smooth.

I also LOVE how they do Charlie in these movies. He's such a good guy.

I was all around pleased with this movie and I am looking for an excuse to see it again. I'm hoping Kyndall and Erin might suggest it! We need to hang out anyway!

Holiday Open House - Take 2, Review

Finally! A week later, I am posting this blog! The open house was last Sunday and it was TRULY a great experience! There wasn't a huge turnout, so I didn't sell a ton, but everyone who came was SO nice! And the other vendors there were SO talented! One of them, Kacey from Kacey's Cake Bites, had cake bites there and they were delicious! And Jenina had snacks and Christmas music playing... And there was a woman who paints hubcaps, and a woman who does mosaics, and a little girl who makes scarves, and someone who made hats (the hats and scarves were both SO SO SO cute... if I had had money to spend I would have stocked up!) and lots more... it was really great! I brought a lot of my stock home, but I sold almost all of my gift card holders, almost all of my book marks, half of my photo holders and about 20 cards. No one bought my Santa bags with matching cards, but I'm keepin' 'em til next time! They are super cute and they will sell eventually!

I learned a few things about craft fairing in general, and my mother and I are hoping to start doing craft fairs once or twice a year...

I feel like I should have more to say because I spent MONTHS preparing for this, but that's kind of all there is to it! Thank you to all of my family who came... I wouldn't have sold much without you, haha! The house was beautiful – Jenina did an AMAZING job decorating and setting up all of the vendors. Overall, a huge two thumbs up! I took a few pictures of my setup. Here you go!

Coming Clean

Okay, so I didn't mean to mention the food blog thing and then disappear for a week. I promise that wasn't my intention, and I haven't been hiding... life has just been a little hyperactive lately! And by a little I mean a LOT!

I absolutely love the holiday season, but now that it is in full swing I am one busy girl. I have so much going on and about 5 blogs that I would like to post today, but this is the one that I NEED to post. I have two big things that are happening/need to happen in my life right now, and I want to be able to talk about them. I am hesitant to talk about either one in such a public forum. They are personal. Private. Two things that will, hopefully, change my life forever. And let me tell ya... change is NOT always easy for me! When I have big decisions to make I am usually so intimidated by the change aspect that I overthink things until they disappear. That's kind of why I've decided to talk about them on here. Because I'm not going to avoid these changes. I'm stepping up and I'm in it for the long haul!

What is it with your twenties? I mean, constant change, right? I think that this is where people do most of their "growing up". I started to say that 2009 was a year of a lot of changes for me, but the truth is life has been in constant flux since I graduated from college. Up until that point, I was following a plan. It's called school. I mean, school isn't the ONLY thing filling your life, but it shapes the major things because it fills your days. You follow the path that is laid out for you and then all of a sudden you graduate and...

Then what?

You live life. And who the heck knows how to do that? We all want to be successful. To be honorable and kind. To make a difference. To find love. To have a family. But the path ahead is not nearly as neatly laid out as it has been up to this point. The path looks different for every person. I recently met someone who took five years off – I repeat, FIVE YEARS – after college to travel the world. He's been all over! He would go somewhere, find some random job and stay for a while until he had enough money to go to another question. He's been all over. And he met his wife through his travels. He is from India, she is from England, they met working at the same church camp, and now they are married and living in Irving, Texas, of all places. Are you kidding me? If someone had told me that was the path I had to follow I would have wet my pants! I'm fascinated by it! And I love the idea of all of that traveling, but I am not that kind of brave. Not yet anyway. I hope to travel someday, but after I've done some growing up and are less scared of, ya know, my own shadow!!!

I realize I've already said a mouthful, and I'm just now getting to the point. Sorry about that... waited to long to post this and now I just have too much to say.

So here are the 2 things.

#1 - The food thing.

The food thing has always been there. My whole life. I have been overweight my entire life and morbidly obese for most of it. My relationship with food is completely unnatural. I use food in a way that it was not intended to be used. It is sinful, it is killing me, and I desperately want to stop.

I've tried this before. I find that most overweight people are incredibly knowledgeable about nutrition and most things concerning a healthy lifestyle. It's because we all want to be healthier. (I shouldn't say all, but I am comfortable saying most... most of us want to be healthier.) And when I say healthier, yes, a big part of that is being thinner. I hate being overweight. I hate paying a fortune for my wardrobe and only having three stores to shop at. I hate not being able to sit comfortably in my seat at the movie theater, or in a booth at a restaurant. Most of all I hate it when I get into someone's car and the seat belt won't fit around me. That's humiliating. Almost devastating. Not to mention unsafe and ILLEGAL! That has happened probably three times in my life and it is something that I would love to never encounter again.

I hate that people form such strong opinions about me, based on my appearance, before I ever open my mouth. I read an article last year discussing the fact that prejudices towards overweight people are the last acceptable prejudice that exist. Civilized people don't tolerate racism, ageism, sexism... the list goes on. But overweight people are openly judged day in and day out, on large and small scales, and most of the time, no one raises an eyebrow. I'm nice. Really I am. It's hard for me to accept when people dislike me on the spot because of my size.

Sigh. I feel like I should tell you my story, but after 28 years, it's really too long to tell all at one time. I will give you a few brief points. The first time that I ever made a conscious effort to lose weight, I was 17 years old. Prom was looming and I wanted to be thinner. I jumped on the Atkins bandwagon and it paid off. I lost 30 pounds in three months. I went from 222 pounds to 192 pounds. I was a size 18 and pretty darn cute! It is the only time that I have ever been under 200 pounds. Those were good days, but they didn't last long. College was a period of constant growth for me. All of my friends were overweight... we somehow found each other our freshman year and were an incredibly tight group. 5 incredible young women who happened to be overweight, and we loved each other, and I treasure those memories. But when I graduated, I was HUGE! My senior year I lived alone in an apartment and I formed some interesting habits during that time.

The first time that I joined Weight Watchers was about a year after I graduated from college. I think that I started at 264 pounds. I don't remember exactly, but that sounds right. 264.4. I lost 30 pounds or so before I stopped going to the meetings.

The next time I joined was a year or so later. And then a year or so after that. The most weight that I ever lost was a few years ago. I started at 284 and got down to 202. That was the weekend before Thanksgiving and the holidays did me in that year as my weight slowly started to come back on. I rejoined a year or so later with Brett. I don't remember how much I weighed and I don't remember how much I lost before I stopped going. I've been out of WW for quite a while now. I have gained 20 pounds or so since the wedding (8 months ago) and I currently weigh 242 pounds.

What I mean when I say that I use food in an unnatural way is that food acts as a sedative for me. It's like closing my eyes. When I'm eating, I'm numb. I'm not thinking about anything else and, for a brief period of time, it closes me off to the world. I don't eat until I am full, I eat until I am in pain. I extend that period of numbness as long as possible... until the pain of eating outweighs the pain of not eating. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that that is the OPPOSITE of living! My life is passing by, and I am not living it. I am escaping from it, one bite at a time.

Other than Weight Watchers, I have also attended Overeaters Anonymous. It's a 12 step program like AA or NA. I spent an hour a week in a room full of addicts. I had a sponsor. Every time I spoke I had to say "Hi my name's Kim and I'm a compulsive eater". And then we all hugged. Yuck. I learned quite a bit about addiction and I still carry my key chain with the Serenity Prayer on it. I didn't make it through all 12 steps. Those were dark days, and I don't really talk about being in the program. I don't even like to think about it much, so that is all that I will say. I just wanted to mention it because it was part of the journey.

And I guess that is the point I am getting to. It's a new phase of the journey. I would really like for this to be a permanent turning point. Every weight loss journey has ups and downs, but it's time for an up. I mentioned two weeks ago that I had found some inspiration and my switch had flipped. Well last weekend was a doozy! I had several really good food days and then the weekend went kind of crazy. My food was less good this past week, but not at it's worst. But tomorrow is a new day. I would like a new beginning. And this time, as I begin again, I am going to share the details on this blog. I have no idea what exactly that will look like at this point – I've got WAY too much to say to only talk about food – but I would like for it to be a regularly occurring topic. Like I mentioned a few weeks ago, whether I would like for it to or not, my life revolves around food. I'm an addict searching for recovery. So I guess I am saying, walk with me.

Part two of my already WAY too long blog. You're gonna want to stick around for this. I'll be as brief as possible. Ha!

#2 – The work thing.

I am changing careers. Attempting to anyway.

When I was 19 years old and they told me to pick a major I had NO idea what to choose. I went with graphic design because when I flipped through the book full of majors and read every single one, this one, graphic design (the very last one in the book under visual arts) sounded the most like me.

All of my life people told me to teach. "You'd be such a great teacher". I heard it all the time. So much that I felt like people thought it was the only thing I could do. And after 20 years of it, I was ready for a break from school. So I didn't major in art education like my work study boss strongly encouraged me to do. I majored in graphic design. And now after 7 years of being a graphic designer, I realize that teaching isn't the only thing I'm capable of doing... it's the only thing that I WANT to do. I want to be an art teacher. I want to work with children. To watch them learn and help them along the way. To be a positive influence on children who have none other in their life.

There are a LOT of things about teaching that appeal to me. And I have been thinking about making this change for years. Probably three years. But the wedding was getting close and that was already a lot on my plate. I've already confessed that I am totally intimidated by major changes. Um, hello??? Marriage!?! Yeah... big changes. In fact, all the change that I could handle at once. So I decided to wait. Wait until the wedding was over. I put that want away for a little while. But it didn't take long to resurface. A month or so after the wedding I started thinking about teaching again. And God's grace was once again revealed because, while I am still totally intimidated by such a major change, my fears have been somewhat lessened because now I have seen it done. My sister, Jenna, became a teach last year. She started subbing and enrolled in an alternative certification program and after a few interviews, she got a job.

So after a lot of time spent in serious thought and prayer, and with the support of a husband who believes in me unconditionally, I took the first step. Last month I enrolled in a certification program. My classes will start at the end of January and finish at the end of February. Job fairs begin in March. I REALLY wanted to do some subbing this year to meet some principals and gain some classroom experience, but we didn't think that we could take the financial hit. Subs don't make much. And I would have to find work to do over the summer. We decided it was safer for me to stay at my current job as I work my way through the program and we are just praying that God will lead me to the right interview with the right principal who will think that I am the right person for the job even without prior experience. And if I don't get hired to teach next year, I'm not going to panic and I'm not going to back down. At that point I WOULD sub and wait for God's timing.

I have SO much more to say on this subject, but seriously, how long can one blog be???

I will say more later.

So that's it. My two secrets. Well, sort of secrets. I am not speaking too much openly about the career change because my current employers don't know. We are a small company and losing one team member will impact everyone there. I am so thankful for the time I have had at that company. I have learned so much and grown so much. I want the best for them. But I am not what is best for them. There are hundreds of designers in Dallas looking for a job and God will bring the right person there to replace me. My Sunday school class has been praying for me and I have been sending emails to my inner circle to ask for prayer and guidance along this journey. Now I will share my thoughts here. Frankly because I have way too many thoughts to contain.

Alright. For now, that's all she wrote!

So Much To Say...

and nowhere near time to say it right now. It is 12:35 a.m. on the day of the open house. I took Thursday and Friday off of work to finish getting ready and, though there were moments I was afraid it wasn't quite enough time, it paid off. I'm ready.

I just finished bagging everything together. It's all piled in front of the bar and ready for my mom to pick me up at 11:00 a.m. We can be at the house to start setting up at noon so my mom is going to come get me and we are going to stop at Subway to fuel up, then be at the house right at noon. My biggest concern right now is that we won't have a enough room to set everything up. No point in worrying because we can't do anything about it until we get there... hopefully we will figure something out.

I'm exhausted, I have no idea what kind of turnout we will have tomorrow (most people never responded to the evite) but I have to say, I'm pleased. My cards look GREAT! Anything that I don't sell I will proudly mail as a Christmas card to a friend. I also have bookmarks, photo holders, gift tag boxes (these boxes were just begging to be decorated, so I decided they would be the perfect size to hold gift tags) and 10 matching bag and card sets. Those are pretty cute. Both look like Santa. Well, Santa's outfit at least.

As always, it's been way too long since I've posted, so I have a ton to say, but it's time for me to go to bed. I doubt that I will get a chance to post tomorrow night because as soon as I get home from the open house I have to head to a cookout at the pastor's house. It's going to be a very full day!! Thank goodness it will be a short week at work! I love Thanksgiving =-) How can I not when I have so much to be thankful for? More on that later =-)

Peace out playas!

Even Though I'm Hungry Right Now...

The hardest part about going from making careless food choices to really taking care in what I choose to eat is the first two days. They are HUNGRY days! I'm thankful to say that the weekend and yesterday were much easier than last Thursday and Friday. Part of it was that when my flip switched all of a sudden last Thursday morning, I was only partially prepared for good fooding. When I left work on Friday, starving for the second day in a row, I headed straight to the grocery store. How can I fight the good fight when I'm not properly armed?

Saturday and Sunday were MUCH better! (haha... I just typed "butter"). Our grocery funds were very limited, but I bought some fruit, yogurt, pudding (I HAVE to have something sweet to eat at the end of lunch... thank you Jell-o sugar free dark chocolate!!!), and a new kind of snack bar.

I'm a big fan of Larabars. Mainly because each bar has 4-5 ingredients. It feels good to put something in my mouth and know that I'm not ingesting anything that I can't pronounce. But I pay a price for that feeling of satisfaction! A price that this weekend I couldn't quite afford. So I went to the boxed section of the bars in the organic section of Kroger and came across Cascadian Farms Dark Chocolate Almond Chew.

They have 130 calories (which is 90 less than some of the Larabars that I buy), 4 grams of fat and 5 grams of fiber. My main concern was the fact that it had the words "fiber right" on the box. I love Fiber One bars, but they make me sick. Well, not so much sick as gassy. Sorry. Those are the facts! Something about too much fiber in the wrong form at one time... so I was worried that I would take these to work and experience extreme discomfort. But I am happy to say that I have been VERY pleased with these bars! They aren't huge so it's not necessarily filling on it's own but granola always makes me thirsty, so eating one of these and drinking half of my bottle of water IS filling and totally keeps me going til lunch.

Unfortunately, today I didn't have any veggies to bring with my lunch so I am pretty hungry now, but dinner is planned and should be more than satisfying!

I have more to say, but I'm out of time. Be back lata!

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 11.17.09

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.

And Then Life Happens

Do you remember the baby that I asked you to pray for here? We were getting fewer and fewer updates on baby Emily because they were just waiting for test results. They tried one more time a few weeks ago take her off of the ventilators and it was not successful. Last Friday they asked for prayer because she had developed pneumonia. Yesterday morning she passed away.

And the world stopped.

How?

How can anyone understand something like this? A baby who was born small, but healthy, only to live a few months at home and then to live a few months in the hospital and one day just stop.

How do Jeff and Karen recover? After years of trying to have a baby they are overcome with joy to find themselves pregnant and then nine months later to find themselves parents. And then 5 months and 13 days later they find themselves childless.

Seriously. How do people recover from things like this? I've always asked the question and always prayed that I would never have to find out the answer.

I know that some of you have prayed for Jeff and Karen. I thank you for your prayers and I ask for them one more time. For recovery. Somehow.

It kind of turned my day around yesterday. I was hungry, like I was the day before, and making mental lists of what to buy and how to eat to make my days bearable. And then I got an email from Jeff. There has been such a big network of people praying for this baby, they have used emails to keep everyone informed. It was just the easiest way to get the world out. That was about 3:00 or so. The rest of my day was kind of a blur. My eats were okay, but over my goal, and I can't say that it really mattered to me...

I really don't know what to say. We are going to honor her life at a memorial service on Monday and then I will move on, while Jeff an Karen... somehow find a way to exist?

I am thankful that my God is sovereign and that his plan IS for good.

Michael Scott Words of Wisdom - 2

"Actually, it's polite to arrive early - and smart. Only really good friends show up early. Ergo, de facto, show up early and become a good friend."

My First Sale!

So I've been making cards for the Open House, right? My mom wanted me to take them over to grandmother's house last night. She doesn't really drive anymore so she won't be able to make it to the Open House since my mother, her usual chauffeur, will be participating in the event. So I took the cards over last night and she loved them! She bought a dozen! It was pretty funny too, watching her trying to pick. My grandmother is an absolute peach!

It was exciting =-) Thought I'd share.

The Food Blog Question

Okay, so. Do you read any food blogs? I do. My favorites are Jamie, Lynn and Angie. (I have a LOT that I enjoy, but those three post the most frequently, so they feel like a part of my day...).

A "food blog" can be all sorts of things I suppose, but what I am talking about is people who have an eating plan/weight loss goal and to help them stay accountable and inspired, and all that jazz, they post their journey on their blog. Each day they tell what they ate, and if we're lucky we get to see pictures. I love the pictures!!!

So here's the deal. I really want to do this. I want to change my life. Eat less, eat BETTER, move more... and I have been toying with the idea of blogging about it. I know that I mention it occasionally now, but I mean blogging about it regularly. Using my blog as a tool for accountability, advice and encouragement. The encouragement that these girls have received on their blogs has taken them through a LOT of weight loss. I'm not talking about trying to lose a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time (though I think setting goals is a good thing!) I'm talking about forever. About a new lifestyle that involves food in a different way.

We have some friends who have lost a significant amount of weight, and Brett has commented before on how their life revolves around food... but I feel like right now, my life already revolves around food - in a negative way. Not in the sense that I talk about it all the time the way that I would if I made this positive change, but in the sense that my overeating and obesity controls my life. I can't do things that I would like to do because I am too big. And I think about food in a negative way.

So anyway... I will probably give this some more thought this weekend, but don't be surprised if Monday comes and I am telling you about my morning oatmeal and... gasp... my daily weigh in. UGH. That's the part that will be the hardest in the beginning. I have friends who read this blog and, even though there is no way to hide my size, my weight... the actual number... well, that is something that a lot of overweight people protect pretty closely.

Sigh.

Check out those blogs if you are interested! They are greatness!

Michael Scott Words of Wisdom - 1

"Pam, I'm public speaking. So please stop public interrupting me."

FINALLY!

Stopping to write this post is going to make me late to work (but I'm always late) and it's going to give me frizzy hair because I've already taken it out of a towel and brushed it (but that's what ponytail holders are for) but I just had to take the time. It's FINALLY happened!

Months ago, one random day, my good eating stopped. Don't know why, just one day the switch flipped and it stopped. I know we can all relate to this. It happens. And I knew that it would eventually switch back, but I didn't know when and I sure have been ready for it the last few weeks...

Last night I was so self conscious sitting in choir with the seat digging into my legs. I didn't want to hold the music in my lap because then I would have to see my legs which were stuffed inside my used-to-be-comfortable-but-are-now-too-tight jeans. Then I went to dinner with Brett. I had already eaten but he hadn't so I committed one of my big no-nos. I ordered a dessert. I RARELY do this. It just feels inexcusable. We all know that any restaurant dessert (except the old WW cake on the Applebee's menu) has a million calories and pretty much no redeemable characteristics. They are occasionally acceptable to indulge in... on birthdays or anniversaries... split between a group. But on a Wednesday night? What was I celebrating? I wasn't hungry when I ordered it, I was miserable when I finished eating what I ate of it, and I didn't enjoy it. It was mediocre at best. Not even close to being worth the mental and physical pains it caused.

But that still wasn't enough to flip the switch. Those things have been happening every day. Eating the wrong things when I'm not hungry to begin with and going to bed too full and hating myself. It's a way of life for compulsive eaters. Or a way of non life, I should say.

But this morning I was reading my dad's latest post. He started a blog this summer when his switch flipped. He's a great writer. You should check it out here.

Every Wednesday he posts a weekly weigh in. My dad is less than ten pounds heavier than me and rapidly shrinking. Which means that I am days away from being the heaviest person in my family, for the first time ever.

My dad is in his fifties and is in the process of completely changing his life. My life is changing. I am taking steps that are hopefully going to change everything (steps that I have been reluctant to talk about on here because I'm not ready for certain people to know about them but I may give in and risk it soon because it is too much to contain in my head and I don't get to talk about it enough to other people) so why not take this step too? NOW!!! Why fix one area of my life and ignore the others that are in such disrepair?

Click.

I started a new food journal this morning. I'm ready to stop the madness.

Pray for me, please. I am a compulsive eater who has years and years of habits that haunt me at night and in the quiet places of my day and any path that I try to take without seeking God's guidance will only lead me to more pain.

Thank you for the support that you bring me on a weekly basis. Thank you for sharing your life with me on your blogs and always being honest. And thanks for being around even when my switch is in the wrong position.

Okay. Off to tackle the frizzy hair!

Cry Me A River

I wanted to tell you about my weekend... I started a post on Monday but never got to finish it. Friday was a terrible day at work for me. Brett had to totally piece me together Friday night, but he was MORE than up for the task. My husband loves me so much. I am beyond thankful for that blessing in my life...

But this week has been killer. Brett is overworked at work right now. He's being asked to do the work of two people and it's just too much. "You want me to do what? Sure! No problem! Let me just go feed my unicorn and I'll be right on that!" I mean, one person can only do so much people!

I have to be thankful though, for days that break us to pieces, because it is such a blessing to put each other back together again. I completely lost it this morning. Cried like a baby! But when Brett held me it was like... I don't even know what to say. It was exactly what I needed. Wish I could have asked for that instead of bursting into tears and forcing him into it. Ha! But either way, I'm thankful it came to be.

Hopefully I will have time to make some sense soon. I really miss it on days that I don't get to blog...

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 11.10.09

Marge: (After turning on the kitchen sink) Hot comes out of hot. It's like I'm dreaming.

Abundantly Blessed

First I have to mention, I'm making a Christmas station on Pandora right now and I've used all my skips. Ugh! Some of the junk they are playing... a few times I have closed the window and reopened so I wouldn't have to listen to it. In fact, I think it's time for that once again... I can't handle Up On The Housetop sung by Cecil something or other... Totally enjoying the Dean Martin though!

But that's not the point of this post! I have to tell you about last night.

Brett and I got married in March but we started dating on November 3, 2005. That is the night that I went to his house to watch Star Wars Episode 3, and we held hands, and everything changed =-) It's a fond memory. SOOO we had been a couple for 4 years yesterday!

One day last week I realized that this day was coming and I thought and thought of some way that we could celebrate. Well, I tried to think! But nothing ever came to me. We are totally broke at the moment. And it was a Tuesday! Just couldn't think of anything that felt special. And his schedule is unpredictable right now... he's having late nights but can't really guess in advance which days will be late. So I debated whether or not I should mention to Brett that the momentous day was around the corner. I didn't want him to want to do something nice and not be able to! But the tiny little selfish voice inside of me (sometimes not so tiny) told me that I should mention it because maybe he would sacrifice a day or two of coke money and buy me $5 flowers at Kroger.

Boy oh boy! I am both happy and embarrassed to say that Brett TOTALLY came through and I completely flopped! I didn't even put a love note in his breakfast taco! But he blew me away! I came home last night to find a flower on the door, and it had friends! Inside was a beautiful bouquet of Kroger's finest clearance flowers and Brett slaving away over a hot stove creating my all time favorite meal – chicken parmesan. (Insert Hallelujah Chorus here.) It was SO nice! He told me to sit down and watch whatever I wanted to (woohoo for 30 Minute Meals!!) and he brought me a DELICIOUS dinner! It was so nice. And he told me how much he loved me and it was so sweet and so wonderful.

So I have GOT to do something super sweet ASAP!

We finished the evening by playing our new game, Lego Rockband. Traveler's Tales, you ROCK! The Lego games are so hilarious! This game is so creative and SO cute! I have been kind of burned out on music games for, well, months now. But I was hoping that we would pop this game in and it would reignite the flame! I can't say that I feel like playing the regular Rockbands, but I could play the Lego version for hours! Can and WILL!

So that was my night. I love celebrating with my husband. We're both having kind of yucky weeks at work so I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend with semi replenished funds and a happily replenished pantry!

Making Friends!!

I think that Brett and I have found a couple to hang out with! It was one of the things that I was most looking forward to about finding and becoming involved in a new church. To be in a class of young marrieds with couples that we can relate to...

Our class is SUPER friendly! But I have to admit... the first time that we walked in the room I felt like we were pretty unlikely to fit in. For whatever reason, our class is full of super models. Not literally, but practically! These girls could all be on the cover of Cosmo, or at LEAST Better Homes and Gardens! And the boys look like they model for American Eagle. Brett and I are happy, funny, bright people, but we could never be confused for models! Except maybe in those Wal-mart ads where they use family members as "models" instead of professionals. ha! We're just normal people!

But I told myself to not be intimidated, and to just pretend like I don't hear the "One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others" Sesame Street song every time we walk in the room. And it has paid off wonderfully! EVERYONE in our class is nice! They are so welcoming and open and warm... EVERY week it is a joy to take part in our time of learning with such precious people. But there are 5 or 6 couples that I have been sort of drawn to that I feel like we could potentially really become friends with. And it is becoming more and more clear which one we will hang out with first. I'm so excited! We are going to make plans ASAP and hang out with them. Brett and the guy talk after class every week, but yesterday I FINALLY had some time to talk with the girl just the two of us and we have SO much in common!

AND to top it all off, our class has some social events planned this month. This class is a lot less activity centered than previous classes that I have been a part of. I am thankful that we don't always have something that we feel obligated to participate in, but I am looking forward to the three events planned this month! The first one is this Friday! One of our directors is a coach at Irving High and we are going to tailgate before his game this weekend and go to the game together! Woohoo! It's PERFECT football weather! AND it's the Smack Mac game! Nice timing!

God is so good. I am incredibly humbled and thankful for the way he guided us and helped us transition to a new church. It really has been a blessing!