I Miss My Blog

I'm serious. Some day I am going to get back into blogging more regularly. I thought that Weight Watchers would help because I'm on my computer more. At least, you'd think I would be since I am doing WW online. But it still doesn't feel like much time.

Anyway. Today, I had to stop the madness to post a blog because one year ago today, we moved into the house =-) Can you believe it?!? We have been here a year! What a wonderful year it has been!

I cannot believe it has already been a year. Since the day we moved in, the thing I looked forward to the most was celebrating Christmas in the house. It was wonderful to have a full sized tree. But the two months since Christmas have probably been the best in the house so far. 2012 has brought with it a lot of changes for this familia.

We have totally changed our thinking as far as finances go. Our goal is to build our savings enough that we have an "emergency fund" that keeps us from having to rely on the credit card. This has been a slower process than I would like. I mean, it was our goal for the new year, but the month of January FLEW by! We were still recovering from the holiday season and suddenly it was February! But we definitely made some progress in February. Even if that progress was making a mistake and learning from it.

Realistically, I think we can have our emergency fund goal met by the end of May. May is also when we will pay off the bed that we bought for our anniversary last year. That means that when it is time to focus our financial energies back on paying off credit cards, we will already have gone from 3 to 2, and the small one will be easy to pay off fast.

Our lease is up in May, and if for some reason they tell us we can't renew, like the owner has decided to sell it, I will be very sad. I want to stay here. At the very least another year. I know that God is in control, and whatever happens, he will provide for us. But I sure am thankful for this house right now.

Today Brett and I went to Southlake for a day of fun! I'm on my period, which makes my mood a little unpredictable. We both woke up in a great mood. We were yuckin' it up, from the get go. But when Brett told me he wasn't in the mood to go see the movie we were planning to see, it made me sad. How stupid is that? What a baby I can be sometimes. Just because one part of our day wasn't going to be the picture I had planned in my head, I let it make me sad and waste part of the day. And then I got a phone call at lunch from my mom... we had planned to start the day (after eating lunch... a late start, I know) by going to Laura and Jenna's house to see Braylon while my mom kept him during Madi's soccer game. We were going to skip the soccer game because it's been WAY too long since we have seen Braylon, but hang around to see Madi when the game was over. But her game was cancelled. We are hopefully going to see them tomorrow, but since I was already bummed about the first change in our plan, the second change made me a double baby.

We still went to Southlake though. We had planned on Southlake because we have a gift card to that theater. Brett has been wanting to visit that Barnes and Noble and I have been wanting to check out Charming Charlies. And since there is a Lane Bryant there, I was hoping to use my coupon and get some new pants.

Well the trip to Southlake was a total success. There is still a lot of construction on the way, but it is definitely shrinking, so it was even a decent drive. Brett sat in the man chair at Lane Bryant while I tried on every pair of pants in the store. What a champ =-) I found some black work pants and a pair of jeans. They also had all of the clearance on sale for an additional 70% off. That means I got two super cute shirts for super cheap! I also got two much needed bras.

Then I dropped him off at the bookstore while I went in search of Charming Charlies. I love the purse that I have been carrying. It is orange, a good size, and totally my style. But I have been carrying it since our girls trip in July. I buy inexpensive purses because I like to trade them out fairly frequently. I generally allow myself a new purse every season. I don't always get a new one each season, but if I want one, I think it's okay. But because I buy cheap purses, I usually need a new one when the season is up. But this orange purse has been awesome. It recently had a tear on the inside that has made it less convenient because I can never find my phone quickly. It won't stay in it's pocket. But I'm going to keep it.

I LOVE the purse I got at CC's today though. It is so pretty. My last several purses have been seriously cute, but this purse isn't cute. It's pretty. I love her =-) She is so not practical. No pockets. I'm going to need to carry less. That will be tricky. But I knew the minute I laid eyes on her that she was the one I was looking for. We were MFEO.

After CCs, we took advantage of both the gorgeous 66 degree weather and our close proximity to The Cheesecake Factory to sit outside and enjoy some delicious dessert. It was such a treat!

We have taken it pretty easy tonight. Leftovers and a Bourne movie. (Have you seen the trailer for the new one? The Bourne Legacy. Count me in!) I am about to crawl into bed. I have officially started reading the Sookie Stackhouse books. I hear I'm going to love them. I sure hope so! I've never read a series with so many books in it!

Earned It!

I gained 1.8 this week, and earned every ounce!

Thank goodness all of this weeks drama was short term because this is exactly how my year of gaining started last year.

This week was crazy! Actually, I guess it started last Wednesday (or was it Thursday?). We had been leasing a car. I never thought I would lease a car, but here's what happened: Brett had been driving the same car for 10+ years, and we went through a string of car repairs and then we just couldn't drive it anymore. So when we went looking for a "new" car, which for me has always meant a nice used car, Brett wanted an actual new car. The only way we could afford a new car was leasing it. I wasn't thrilled about a lease, but it was so obvious that God made a way and lead us to that specific car, so I didn't fight it. It was the right thing at the time.

I don't know much about leases, and I know people who love to lease. But those people drive super fancy cars, and they drive them for a year because they always want to be in a new car. We had a five year lease, which meant we would pay thousands of dollars for five years and, in the end, have nothing to show for it.

That was my main beef with the lease. (Main beef. What a funny expression.)

What I didn't know about a lease is that a property tax fee can show up at any time and it can be any amount and you have to pay it. That's what happened last week. We got a huge fee on our bill and there was a minor break down in our household which lead us into researching options to get out of the lease.

I'll skip the details in between, but we ended up getting a new car on Monday. It's the smaller version of what we were already driving. It's a never owned 2011. It's red, the color Brett wanted, and it has a navigation system, the feature that I wanted. We are very happy. Our payment went up almost $60, but Brett just got a raise and we are about to pay off a credit card, so we know God will provide. And years from now, when we pay it off, it will be ours.

I drove it for the first time last night =-) Love at first drive.

So there was that.

I also ran the office quite a bit on my own this week. Michelle's sweet little girl was sick =-( Michelle's husband is a realtor, so his schedule is all over the place. Sometimes that means when one of their kids is sick, he can be home with them. This week they were sharing the burden because he was selling houses. Woohoo for them! But it was a busy week, so it kept me on my toes.

We had Valentine's parties on Tuesday and Open House on Thursday. And Michelle was scheduled off on Friday. Open House is really intense for us because we sell the school nonstop for that hour. And when I say us, I mean yes, for me because it's only my second year so I get really nervous, but SERIOUSLY intense for Michelle who has been doing this for 7 years and can get in the zone and turn into that lady on the Progressive commercials.

My point is, it was a really busy week. There were lots of menus, and yes, even a few drive thrus, and I do not resent my gain at all. I'm not happy about it, but I chose it. And right now I am choosing to move on and have a great week next week. We are going to the store this afternoon and I am looking forward to some fresh fruit and veggies!

I'm also getting a looooooong overdue haircut today. Though I prefer my hair short (shoulder length-ish) I have let it keep growing because my face is so big right now. I feel like the hair helps me hide it. But now my hair is out of control. It literally gets tangled in my brush when I blow dry it every morning. I have too much hair. So off it goes.

I am very in love with my husband today. After a week of not seeing him very much, I thoroughly enjoyed our dinner out last night and am looking forward to our evening in tonight.

I also feel like blogging! I've been writing several more chapters in my head =-) Not sure which will come first. I've been thinking about Tamra, Jenina, Jennifer, Jeff and Jeff. We'll see!

Hope everyone has a refreshing, restorative, restful weekend. How's that for three Rs? Take that reading, writing and arithmetic! You don't even all start with R! Burn!

And Then There is Life's Breaking News

Still thinking in chapters. Today something happened that will not be a chapter in my life, but was breaking news for me, and for someone I love will be a very long chapter.

It's not my story to tell, so I won't mention any names, but a friend of mine, who has been trying for about a year now to get pregnant, told me she miscarried this week.

There just really aren't words. I have nothing to say that can comfort her because for now, she is inconsolable. And I can't just sit and hug her because she is not ready to be social, in any way. All I can do is pray. Even when that doesn't feel like much, I know that it is. And today I was reminded that I pray to a God who knows exactly what it feels like to lose a child.

What if I miscarry? I'm not pregnant, but someday... what if? What if she does again? What if this is the first step in her finding out that she can't have a child? What if I can't have a child? What will my life be like if my family never grows beyond Brett and I? How will I keep my sanity when I have to listen to the women at my school who complain about motherhood? How will I be able to keep going to baby showers and hearing friends announce their pregnancies? How will I cope with being treated like a different breed, which is how I'm starting to realize that some mothers view non-mothers?

Way too many what ifs. There's no point in asking. You just do. You just survive. And you try with all you have to do more than survive... to live.

Anyway.

In less important news: I had a good loss this week. Way more than I was expecting. This week was tricky. Work was yuck. Or at least had way more than it's fair share of yucky moments. That could have had something to do with the hunger. I seriously battled hunger this week. I didn't buy enough fruit. I need to keep fruit on hand at all times. I love that it is zero points on the new plan. It makes it a whole nother ball game for me. (I recently read a book where one of the main characters hated it when people said "whole nother" because "nother" isn't a word, as my spell check is reminding me. But I can't help it. I've always typed how I talk, and that is not an expression I can give up just yet. So there you go.)

So I had a good loss, and am actually at 10 pounds lost, as of this morning, but it feels... I don't know. Not like I cheated, but not exactly like a victory. I kept myself from eating too much, which is a good thing, but I was genuinely hungry. I mean, last night, I was SOOO hungry! And I even had a few points available, but I didn't have any options at home that would fit into the points that I had. I want to lose weight, but I want to do it in a way that I can live with consistently. I am a pretty firm believer that deprivation leads to over-eating. It always eventually does for me anyway. So two grocery stores and a big chunk of our monthly grocery budget later, I'm hoping to have an easier week.

Today was a really good food day. I ate exactly what I wanted to, and it only had me using 4 flex points. I hope that tomorrow can be about the same. I already know we are having Tex-Mex for lunch because it is a going away lunch, and the guy's favorite restaurant is Tex-Mex. And then we have not one, but two super bowl parties tomorrow night. But I am feeling good mentally after today. So we'll see how it goes.

I hope everyone had a good Saturday. And if anyone reading this right now has ever had a miscarriage, I would like to say I'm so sorry for your loss. And if my sweet friend ever makes it over to my blog and reads this: I love you so much. Your friendship is incredibly important to me. I hope that someday our grandchildren are friends.

The Krista Chapter

So, we all know that I am an over-thinker. Sometimes my inner monologue feels like a novel. When I am reminiscing about a certain person, or period in my life, I think of it as a chapter in my book. And I have thought several times about having "chapters" on my blog, just to get the thoughts out of my head.

Well, I came across a blog that is TOTALLY giving me the chance to do that! Kelly, over at Kelly's Korner has a feature called "Show Us Your Singles", so that's exactly what I'm doing! Allow me to share a small portion of the Krista chapter with you:

Krista is one of my favorite friends. We met the first week (actually, probably day) of college. It was like at first sight =-) She can be a little quiet when you first meet her, but don't be fooled. I dubbed her "the tricky one" our sophomore year because she is spunky and sneaky and LOVES to laugh. It's one of my favorite things about her.

In fact, here is my favorite picture of her.

My wedding photographer was taking pictures of me with each of my bridesmaids, and Krista and I couldn't stop laughing. Minutes before I would say "I do", when I was so floaty I couldn't have told you my birthday, Krista was able to keep me calm enough to have a good laugh!

She is a kindergarten teacher, and her passion and dedication is incredibly inspiring. This is a picture of her in front of Kermit at the 2011 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. And here she is on some of her other travels.

Krista is a world traveler =-) Do I sound like a proud PTA parent? It's because she is brave enough to travel the way that I would like to. She has been to Italy and New York and Alaska and so many places that I can't keep track. But she is always thinking about her next trip. She really appreciates the beauty in the world and humbly seeks to experience it up close.

She is a believer and loves her family. She is an incredibly loyal friend. The kind who calls, and will drive an hour to meet you for lunch.

In short, I know that she would make an amazing girl friend and wife. I love her to pieces! Thank you for being one of my chapters Krista! (and for letting me share you on my blog =-)

And The Verdict Is...

Just weighed in for this week.

I lost 3 pounds.

TAKE THAT BAGEL!

First Hard Day

It is day 13 of being back on Weight Watchers, and I had my first hard day. Here's what happened.

Thursday mornings always begin with a certain amount of "bad day" probability. I currently own one pair of jeans that fit well, though I don't love the color, one black skirt that fits well, one pair of black pants that are tight, but wearable with a long shirt and one pair of gray pants in that same category. We are allowed to wear jeans on Fridays, so that is 4 days a week that it is easy to find an outfit for work. Thursdays are not my strong point. While it is still cold outside, I have two options. A "springy" skirt that is full length, but would rock the low temperatures if I had a nice chunky white sweater. Also, a knee length black skirt that I can wear with black leggings. My black leggings are too small though. I can wear them, but all day I worry that they are falling down. However, the skirt and leggings have been my fifth option for the last several weeks.

This weekend I went hunting for a white sweater. I was not successful. I am sure that there are still sweaters out there, but I didn't find one at any of the stores I went to. I did, however, buy a long sleeve v-neck that I thought would work with the skirt. That was my plan for today. Well guess what? The shirt looked terrible with the skirt. I shouldn't have waited until this morning to try it out, but that is what I did.

So I was late to work on a day where the owner was working, and she has a way of making me feel nervous, even when there is no reason to be. She also brought bagels. Einstein Bros., chocolate chip bagels with honey almond cream cheese. My favorite.

All morning, the bagels were at the forefront of my mind. You couldn't smell the actual bagels, but you could smell the little cardboard house that the E Bros. bagels come in, so in our tiny little space behind the counter, the bagels had a presence, if you will, that was inescapable.

All morning I resisted. But then Michelle went to lunch. And then Christy went to lunch. And I was alone in the office. And I was hungry. And I decided that it was ridiculous to worry so much over a stupid circle of bread. So I got up and took half of a bagel. It was bagel perfection, and I didn't skip a beat before washing it down with the other half of the bagel.

It was a rough day. Driving home for lunch, I teared up, because I HATE when I feel like the food is in control of me, rather than me being in control of the food. When I'm not worrying about food, and eating what I want, it is so peaceful to not feel like the food is ruling me. But that is what I did for a year, and I gained a significant amount of weight. I just don't make healthy choices naturally. I eat too much. Of the good and the bad... too much.

So I'm feeling bad about all of this today. Guess what is my normal reaction to feeling bad about something? Eating. Eating something soft and chewy. Thinking only about the eating, not about what is making me feel bad. I know that the problem is still there when my plate is empty, but the eating is still an escape, however brief.

This always happens when I am trying to eat healthier. There comes a day when I need to escape, and I can no longer turn to the food. And the hurt, the frustration, is so tangible that it almost chokes me. And I am lonely without the food. I hate to admit that, but I feel it. Today was that day.

My day ended better than it started. It is almost 9:00. I am headed to switch some loads of laundry around and make some cookies for a work party tomorrow. I would have rather bought cookies than made them, but we had all the ingredients and no spare money to spend.

I hope everyone has a great Friday and a safe weekend.

Is This Normal?

Brett and I have been married almost 3 years now. Our third anniversary is in March. That is really weird to say. I can't believe it's been 3 years already. They've been great =-)

I'm sure everyone is like this. Right? I spend a lot, and I mean, a LOT of time every day wishing I were with Brett. When I am not with him, he is always on my mind. Today I daydreamed about taking him away. I never had a clear picture of where, but all I could think of as I drove back to work after my lunch break, was that I wanted to be with him. Just him. Somewhere quiet and peaceful.

I am realistic enough to know that I would never want to work with him. We are so different, in so many ways. I don't think we would share a work space very well. And on days when I do get the whole day with him, not every moment is paradise. But during the week, I always miss him a lot.

That's normal, right?

It sometimes gets me in trouble. The thing is, Brett's arms are the safest place in the world for me. So when things get rough for me at work, an angry parent or a situation with a child that is rough, I long for Brett's arms. To just be standing in his arms, safe in his embrace.

Do you see the problem yet? My sweet husband loves me to the moon and back, but he is not perfect. So when I walk through the doors at the end of the day wanting him to be Superman, and he has had his own long day, with angry co-workers or callers, and he just wants to be Clark Kent for a little while, it can be hard on me. And that's not fair for him.

Brett is not perfect. And he shouldn't have to be. We all know I'm not perfect! So God is teaching me to think of Him. To long for the Lord's embrace, rather than my sweet husband's. After all, Brett is a gift from God. Which should I love more, the gift or the giver?

Hope everyone's week is going well. =-)

A Week in the Life of...

I feel like blogging. And I want to be clever. But man, I'm tired!

I will try to keep this to the point. First things first. I made it through a week of Weight Watchers online. It was a pretty good week. I started last Saturday. Saturday and Sunday were good. Monday and Tuesday I was a little hungry. Wednesday, I wasn't hungry at all. Thursday I was STARVING! Friday I wasn't really hungry. Saturday I was relieved to weigh in and have a loss. This week, I am going to make sure to have more fruit around. In fact, I went to the store today and my fruit bowl is almost overflowing.

Friday was one of the craziest days I have had at work in a long time. It's way too long of a story to tell, but my day involved several firemen, a friendly policeman, one possible jaw fracture, one throwing up two year old and several holes in the schedule. We made it through, but I am praying that tomorrow brings more calm and more teachers!

Brett and I had a very nice date night yesterday =-) We haven't really had a date night in a while. And this was pretty simple, but sometimes dinner and a movie is just what the doctor ordered! And, we had a coupon for dinner and gift cards for the movie, so it was a total bargain! We saw The Iron Lady, and I enjoyed it. Brett didn't love the storytelling format, but I thought it worked. And the cast was great. I have always been a Jim Broadbent fan.

Also, we saw a trailer for the new Wes Anderson movie. He was my favorite director for a long time and I am really looking forward to his new flick.

I think that is all that I have to say tonight. Except for this shout out: Hey Jeff, I saw a stack of bags of Peat Moss outside of Wal-mart tonight. Totally thought of you! I wanted to take a picture and text it to you, but I was ready to be gone from Wal-mart.

It's The End of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

Once again, it has been more than a month since my last post. And honestly, I was hesitant to sit down and blog now. Life is... I don't know. More of the same, but so different.

Praise the Lord, we get wiser as we get older. Wisdom is merely learning from your experiences, so it makes sense that the older we get, the more wisdom we stock up. But Uncle Ben said it best: "With great wisdom comes great responsibility". That's not exactly what Uncle Ben said, but when I have that thought I hear it in his voice talking to Peter about power =-)

So. Older. 30, to be exact. I am thankful for SOOOOO many things in my life. I love my job. 2 years ago, I didn't know if I would ever be able to speak those words. My family is amazing. Everyone is healthy and well. My husband is an amazing man, and becoming more so every day. We both have friends, near and far, that enrich our lives in ways that we will never really be worthy of. We are abundantly blessed.

But I am human. A product of The Fall. Sinful in nature and forever ridiculous. I am not the heaviest I have ever been, but I'm not that far from it. It was the end of January 2011 that my eating got off track. And for most of a year, I did nothing to try and fix it. I wasted a year that I should have spent trying to better my health, and now am in the worst health I have ever experienced. I guess because I am 30, this amount of weight feels different than the last time. More dangerous. And I hate that I am in this place.

I have been working to get to a place mentally that will lead me to physical change. I don't really want to share all of my plans and goals because you've heard it all before. I guess it's a little different this time, and now that I'm typing, it's kind of hard to stop, so I'll say this: Yesterday I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I have always done in person meetings. I didn't think that online would be sufficient accountability for me. But now, online feels like the right tool. Firstly, because it is less than $20 a month, so the price is right for us right now. And secondly, because I couldn't imagine walking into that same meeting and seeing the same leader and her saying "welcome back" with a smile that feels sceptical to me, even if she means it sincerely.

I just joined yesterday and I'm having a lot of fun with the website.

So that covers the food portion of our program. Activity is still in the works. I know that I am going to start walking with Jage on Saturdays. We have a walking date set for next week. Walking has always been my go-to activity, because I enjoy it. But I have come to realize that when it is my only activity, I eventually dread it. I need variety. They say that the key to regular exercise is finding an activity that you enjoy. When I think about that I know what I want to do... dance! I have always been a big girl, but I love to dance. I can't help but move when I hear certain songs. There is a studio in Irving that offers adult dance classes, so I will probably check out that website, but for now, I think I am going to make a playlist and have a little "dance party" in my room once a week. We'll see.

Brett and I are also serious about getting our finances under control this year. We have found some wonderful financial software that helps us track and plan, and I am feeling the most optimistic that I ever have.

I hope to blog more. I'm thinking that being online everyday to track my points will bring me more opportunities to blog. I just don't use my computer like I used to.

I hope everyone's year is off to a good start!

On My Mind

Driving to work today, and actually the last few times I have driven to work, I couldn't help but think that I have the most beautiful drive to work. I think I pass all of the prettiest trees in town! The shades of yellow, orange, red and green that I see going down Grauwyler towards O'Connor never fail to wow me. I mean seriously. Wowzers! Maybe next year I will have a fancy camera and can capture it for you!

Yes, I just said that I went to work today. We had a meeting on Tuesday that was kind of a, okay, stop the madness, what do we need to do, meeting. And I voiced something that Michelle (my partner in crime) and I have wished for, amongst ourselves, several times lately. The office is just so hectic. Even when it's not hectic, it's so FULL! There is constantly a need to meet. A child to care for. A parent to appease. A task to complete. These are not bad things, and frankly, I think that we are so good at what we do because of how well we manage these daily tasks. But I want us to look as good on paper as we do in person. By that, I mean that I don't want stupid things, like incomplete paperwork, preventing us from getting perfect inspections. And in order to take care of all of those things, I requested that we be allowed to work a few hours on the weekend once a month.

The training that I received for my job was not ideal. I mean, every day is training, I guess. But I had two weeks of "training" by the girl who I replaced when I first started the job. But most of that training was done while Michelle was on maternity leave and the owners were out of town. Lauren was great, but she didn't have time to teach me my job. So I am learning as I go. And now that I have been there a year and a half, I am confident and informed enough to make some improvements.

I went in today for 3.5 hours, and I felt SO good about what I got done. I feel so organized. It was a small portion of what needs to be done, but it would have taken me weeks to get done what I got done today in those few hours, and I guarantee that if I had been also managing the office, the finished products would have been WAY less, well, perfect!

In other news:

We went to our first Christmas party of the year tonight. It was for the praise team and it was so great. I am so blessed to be a part of a group of such amazing people. So funny, so kind, so generous. And our leader is... what is a good word for Jared? He is hilarious. But he is one of those guys who is so talented - so obviously gifted - that it is impossible not to take him seriously when he is being serious.

It is such a large group that I don't think that it will ever feel intimate for me. Not the group as a whole. But the relationships that I am forming within the group are very special.

I know that I haven't posted pics of our tree yet, but I definitely want to! Even without a topper, I think it is the prettiest little tree that I have ever called my own. I wish that I had a real mini tree in my study, just so I could enjoy the smell. But I love our fake tree, even if it was never alive.

I love my husband.

I am looking forward to Christmas and SO excited that we are getting paid this week so I can buy more presents. I love gift giving.

I am totally thinking about 2012 and prayerfully considering what I want the year to look like. For myself and for my marriage. Brett and I had a great conversation today, and it is the first of many, I am sure.

I hope everyone's December got off to a good start!