Monday, November 30, 2009

Starting Over... Again

There have definitely been moments along the way, probably a thousand or so, where I get upset with myself for having to start over again. I lose weight and then balloon again. It has always happened regardless of the method with which I lost the weight. Does that mean that it always WILL happen? I hope not. I am completely and utterly flawed, and will always make mistakes. The program would say that because I am an addict I can not reach recovery on my own. I am incapable of it. But there is a God that desires sobriety for me and he IS both ABLE and WILLING to take me there if I will follow him humbly and completely.

Sigh. So I guess that instead of being frustrated about going back to the beginning for the thousandth time, I should just be thankful that I am always able to begin again. That each day, each breath that we take, is a chance to start over. We can never outspend God's grace.

I'll take it!

So, Monday morning. Beginning again. Again.

This is a battle in every way. My food problems are not just a physical problem, they are spiritual as well. So I am battling myself, my desires and my cravings, but I am also battling an Enemy that knows me well. Knows what to say and when to say it. And he comes only to steal, kill and destroy. It sounds dramatic, I know... but if you could see me in my darkest hours... drama doesn't even really begin to describe it.

Anyway, if I'm headed into battle, I'd like to be armed. So this week I would like to form some kind of action, or to stick with my theme here, "battle plan". My weapons so far are my Bible, my food journal, some good food options, my blog, my scale, and last night I brought a new weapon into the game: a food scale. I got this scale for Christmas, not last year, but the year before. I opened it last night. hehe. Listen, I had NO WHERE to put it when I got it. I didn't have a kitchen! I was living in someone else's house! But now it is in the game. I used it for the first time this morning and it has ALREADY taught me a lesson! The tiny little apples that I buy to toss into my morning oatmeal so that it will keep me full longer, are not 50 calories like I had been estimating in my journal. They are 65!!! Ugh! Good to know.

Speaking of oatmeal, I buy instant. I always have. But for months now I have been wanting to look into the other kind. Umm, non instant? I know that certain kinds of oatmeal have more nutrients than others, and I'm pretty sure that my Quaker Apple Cinnamon instant oatmeal falls into the "others" category. If it would save me calories and add mega nutrients, then I should make the switch. But I haven't done the research to know what the stats are. I would like to change that.

The obvious piece of armor that has been missing from my life for several months now is exercise. I need a plan, big time! I was doing the Wii workout. It was not bad. I enjoyed it some of the time, and it may not be the most intense workout available, but it was a heck of a lot more movement than I have going on currently! What I would really like to do is walk though. I enjoy walking outside. A lot. I have a secret desire to be a runner, and I know that I have to start with walking. It's an easy exercise that anyone can do, right? I mean how can you make excuses not to walk??? Here's how: I don't know exactly WHERE I should walk. I live in an apartment building. There are no sidewalks anywhere near me. There is a sidewalk that goes around the back of my apartment, and I have walked that a few times, but sidewalk to parking lot a couple of times is not an enjoyable walk. I THINK there is a walking trail not far from here though. I drive past it sometimes and it looks like part of a trail. I have no idea where it goes, or where I could park, because there isn't a parking lot nearby, but I'd really like to check it out. Brett is not really comfortable with the idea of me walking by myself like that, but I told him I would carry mace... and hello??? I'm practically a ninja! I got this!

Okay, it's time for me to go get ready for work. My hope this week is to stay on plan with my food, to clarify what my plan actually is, and to seek out a place to walk.

Already, I've received some support from you, and I made that first post less than a day ago. Thank you for your words and your prayers. Really. Thank you. Here we go again!!!


Kriss said...

I am so proud of you for taking the hard steps of posting something so private and also for taking the steps to improve your life (in weight and in your job). I also wanted to comment on the oatmeal. I eat a bowl of cook quaker oats everyday for breakfast. My FIL had bypass two three years ago and his cardiologist said it's the best way to start the day. The oatmeal sits in your stomach, absorbs the bad fats and then you eliminate (poop basically) the bad stuff opposed to it being absorbed into your blood stream. Instant oatmeal is easy BUT your body doesn't have to work as hard to process it. KWIM? It takes a few minutes on the stove and cook it. I measure out 1/2 cup of oats and then add enough water to cover it. Bring to a boil and in a minute it's done. I add one splenda to it and maybe raisens and cinnamon (which is great for glucose!!) or I add a tablespoon of sugar free strawberry jam. Agave nector it good too in it with the cinnamon. :)

Jennifer said...


You don't know me at all. I stumbled across your blog somehow by stumbling through other blogs while randomly surfing other blogs. Anyhow, I really identify with your struggles, and am currently doign the WW program...AGAIN! I've lost 75 since April, but I am having the workst week with wanting to feed my stress with all kinds of food. Wait, this isn't about me. What I wanted to say is that just know it's okay to stumble. It's okay to have tough times. We demonstrate our courage when we dust ourselves off and try again.

I was moved by you mentioning your desire to be a runner. I have that same drive, and although I still have a lot of weight to lose, I did my first 5K back in June, and my second in September. The second one I shaved 5 minutes off my previous time and was still the last person across the finish. But you know what? They cheer just as loudly for the last person. (I can now testify to this.) I was thrown a challenge to complete a 1/2 marathon next August. I'm not a runner at all, but you know what? I'm going to do it. And it starts with walking. So get out there and do it! I admire your faith and how you bring God with you on your journey. With Him at our side, we can never fail.

I hope maybe I was able to be encouraging. If you don't mind, I'll pop by from time to time and offer support to you. I have faith in you!

All the best,