"Comparison is the thief of joy". Teddy Roosevelt
I cannot believe how often I seem to need reminding. It's not a conscious thing. I don't actively go around rating myself against other people. But my faults, and have-not's, seem to be more prominent in my mind when I am around other people.
For example: EVERYONE IS PREGNANT BUT ME! Okay. Not everyone. But I swear, I can't open Facebook without seeing a pregnant belly picture. We have received 7 invitations to baby showers in the last two weeks. I'm not kidding. Seven. Sometimes I'm nervous about going to church because seeing all of my friends with their babies has the potential to send me over the edge.
And here is the thing. I am obsessed with my family. I am head over heals in love with my husband. I would have to use both of my hands, all of my toes, and probably Brett's extremities also, to count the number of people I am blessed to have in my life. If this is all of the family that God ever gives me, I am blessed FAR beyond what I deserve.
But I still want a baby.
Also, my weight is out of control. I am the heaviest I have been in years and I can't seem to get the motivation to exercise. Tomorrow is the official first day of summer in my world (at school) so I am hoping to have a good, healthy, active summer and feel better about myself three months from now. I DO want to be thin. But I am ashamed of my weight the most when I am around other people. When I see the pictures people post of all of the weight they have lost.
I saw this picture online the other day (I filtered it since it is not my picture and these girls don't read my blog. We are Facebook friends, but not in each other's lives anymore.) These are the pretty girls of my year in school. The popular girls. The cheerleaders and student council officers. They gathered recently for one of their weddings. And my breath caught in my throat when I saw them. They were never mean to me. We were casual friends. But I still felt like I needed to cover up when I saw this picture. As if they were in the room. These are all nice girls and they would never look at me and think that I don't measure up. But I would still struggle not to be self conscious if I ran into any one of them. I actually go to church with one of them, and though she is truly a happenin' and cool chic, I sometimes feel shame around her because I wish I were thinner.
We all have things that we struggle with. I suppose I would rather have a food addiction than a drug addiction (though they say drugs are easier to quit), but I hate how visible my struggle is. Every person that I come in contact with knows that I overeat. I may eat the food in private, but I wear the proof of it publicly.
The thing is, I don't want to lose weight for other people. I want to be healthy so that I will feel better and have more time on earth with the people that I love. And I don't want to have a baby so that I can be in the new parent class at church. I really don't. So I need to not care about what is going on in other people's lives. This is MY life. I am the main character in this story. I don't want to spend it being caught up in other people's lives.
Hoping for a healthy week. SO thankful that we had the day off today. Some three day weekends feel shorter than regular weekends because we try to cram so much activity in them. This was the perfect three day weekend. We ate a nice dinner Friday, grocery shopped on Saturday, grilled on Sunday and saw my family today. I crafted a bit and got LOTS of ideas for more projects. One more load of laundry and it will feel like a truly successful weekend.
I will end with the song that I crafted last night: "Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, 'It is well. It is well with my soul'".
4 comments:
Wow...I feel like I could have written this EXACT post. I cried as a read this, because I have the same fears/desires/etc as you. I'll be praying for you. I know what you are dealing with isn't easy. You want to be happy for others, while silently crying inside for yourself. Or, at least, that's how I feel at times. Thanks for your honesty.
-Blaire
find the motivation in yourself and u'll have the greatest results =)
Oh dear sister in Christ! I am there with you. My frustration stems from the fact that my health holds me back from what I want to accomplish. If you were here or if I were there, I would be your workout buddy/good food choicing/partner in crimes for instead of against humanity! Is this something we can do long distance?? Really text me. And let's make this summer a summer for Christ and what He has in store for us. With all this technology that our hubs are into, we need to make it work for us.
I love you.
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