Saturday, February 4, 2012

And Then There is Life's Breaking News

Still thinking in chapters. Today something happened that will not be a chapter in my life, but was breaking news for me, and for someone I love will be a very long chapter.

It's not my story to tell, so I won't mention any names, but a friend of mine, who has been trying for about a year now to get pregnant, told me she miscarried this week.

There just really aren't words. I have nothing to say that can comfort her because for now, she is inconsolable. And I can't just sit and hug her because she is not ready to be social, in any way. All I can do is pray. Even when that doesn't feel like much, I know that it is. And today I was reminded that I pray to a God who knows exactly what it feels like to lose a child.

What if I miscarry? I'm not pregnant, but someday... what if? What if she does again? What if this is the first step in her finding out that she can't have a child? What if I can't have a child? What will my life be like if my family never grows beyond Brett and I? How will I keep my sanity when I have to listen to the women at my school who complain about motherhood? How will I be able to keep going to baby showers and hearing friends announce their pregnancies? How will I cope with being treated like a different breed, which is how I'm starting to realize that some mothers view non-mothers?

Way too many what ifs. There's no point in asking. You just do. You just survive. And you try with all you have to do more than survive... to live.


In less important news: I had a good loss this week. Way more than I was expecting. This week was tricky. Work was yuck. Or at least had way more than it's fair share of yucky moments. That could have had something to do with the hunger. I seriously battled hunger this week. I didn't buy enough fruit. I need to keep fruit on hand at all times. I love that it is zero points on the new plan. It makes it a whole nother ball game for me. (I recently read a book where one of the main characters hated it when people said "whole nother" because "nother" isn't a word, as my spell check is reminding me. But I can't help it. I've always typed how I talk, and that is not an expression I can give up just yet. So there you go.)

So I had a good loss, and am actually at 10 pounds lost, as of this morning, but it feels... I don't know. Not like I cheated, but not exactly like a victory. I kept myself from eating too much, which is a good thing, but I was genuinely hungry. I mean, last night, I was SOOO hungry! And I even had a few points available, but I didn't have any options at home that would fit into the points that I had. I want to lose weight, but I want to do it in a way that I can live with consistently. I am a pretty firm believer that deprivation leads to over-eating. It always eventually does for me anyway. So two grocery stores and a big chunk of our monthly grocery budget later, I'm hoping to have an easier week.

Today was a really good food day. I ate exactly what I wanted to, and it only had me using 4 flex points. I hope that tomorrow can be about the same. I already know we are having Tex-Mex for lunch because it is a going away lunch, and the guy's favorite restaurant is Tex-Mex. And then we have not one, but two super bowl parties tomorrow night. But I am feeling good mentally after today. So we'll see how it goes.

I hope everyone had a good Saturday. And if anyone reading this right now has ever had a miscarriage, I would like to say I'm so sorry for your loss. And if my sweet friend ever makes it over to my blog and reads this: I love you so much. Your friendship is incredibly important to me. I hope that someday our grandchildren are friends.


Deborah Kay at The Paint Splash said...
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Deborah Kay at The Paint Splash said...
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Deborah Kay at The Paint Splash said...

I lost a child at 5 months in the pregnancy. It is important, no matter how early to help your friend know it is ok to grieve. God is the giver and taker of life and only in eternity will we understand. I now have two grown children and five grandchildren with another due in a month. My blessings are overflowing especially after the doctors said we would not have any children. Blessings, Debbie
Sorrow looks back
Worry looks forward
FAITH looks UP.

Manish Kumar said...
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