Sunday, September 26, 2010

Discovering Me

When did I become so hesitant to speak the truth on my blog? Why am I worried about people judging me? I didn't realize that it mattered so much to me what someone else might think about my confusion. But it must. Because in my weeks and months of confusion, I have grown more and more quiet on this blog until I was eventually silent. For a MONTH. Come on!

I guess I'm not used to the confusion. I have said here many times that I fear change, and I am in such a place of transition. It makes me feel... young? Like I am back in college trying to decide what to do with my life. I thought it was hard then. Choosing a major. What a laugh! When you are 18 and they want you to decide what to do with the rest of your life. Right. Like I knew. I remember very clearly the day that I laid down in my dorm room bed and flipped through the catalog to choose a major. Thank goodness I didn't give up halfway through! Mine was the very last in the book. Visual Arts - Graphic Design. It just made the most sense. It was intimidating, but felt SO much more right than any other major. So I declared.

Well guess what? Life doesn't come with a catalog. There are limitless possibilities, which should be thrilling, but is often times intimidating. What do I want to be? Who do I want to be?

I am so glad that I am back to blogging because in the two days that I have been back, I have read a few blogs that were incredibly inspiring. And I NEEDED that. I needed to feel like life was possible. And you know what conclusion I came to at the end of all my musings? I really do want to be an art teacher.

Somewhere along the way, somewhere among the job fairs and resumes and applications and surveys, I began to doubt. Because as an inexperienced wanna-be teacher, who tends to lack self confidence, I wasn't equipped to convince people to hire me. I was still working on convincing myself that I was capable! And then I was offered a non-teaching job. A job that would still teach me an incredible amount and introduce me to the industry that I was hoping to enter, but when God brought me this job, I had to wonder: Am I not supposed to be a teacher? Was God trying to let me down gently?

And then, time began to pass, and this job, my intro to a school environment, proved to be less than pleasant. Again, not bad. I don't want to sound like I dislike this job. But I don't love it. It stresses me out and some days it feels like a wrong fit. So I began to wonder if teaching would be a wrong fit. And I have been wondering that for quite a while now.

I still don't know what God will bring me, but I have decided that I DO want to teach. Teach art. I didn't get a teaching job this year, but that means that I have this school year to prepare for next year. And that is what I would like to do. I want to plan out what a semester of art would look like for each grade. I want to make a portfolio of samples. So that the next time that I am asking someone to trust me to teach at their school, I will feel ready to be hired to do just that.

When I came to this realization yesterday, I was pretty giddy about it. Today I am too tired for giddy. haha. But it feels really good to have some clarity of thought. Something to focus on and work towards.

Church was awesome today, by the way. Brett stayed home. He needed a morning to himself. I TOTALLY understand that! So I missed my hubby, but it was a wonderful morning. Amazing weather. The coolest day we have had in a LONG time. The car said it got up to 79, but I don't think that it ever left the 80s. Sigh. I love me some Fall weather. I hope it sticks around for a bit!

I went to dinner with my family tonight to celebrate my parents' birthday. My moms was last week and my dads is this coming Tuesday. There is not a group of people I would rather spend time with than my family. It is always comfortable, I always laugh, and there is usually tasty food involved. Tonight, we met at Red Lobster, and I had two crab cakes for 7 points. They were super yummy and just enough. I wasn't very hungry, so I was able to avoid the tasty biscuits and Caesar salad.

I am about to head to bed. I am going to try to sweet talk my husband into something tonight. It's something that I REALLY want to do but I am afraid it will hurt his feelings because I want to do it alone. I'm not sure why, but I really want to go to the fair this year, and I want to go alone. I have decided that I want it enough to ask Brett if he would mind even though I know he will initially be a little hurt by the request. If it looks like the hurt will be too much, I will back off, but I've decided to go for it! I'll let you know the outcome!


Marie said...

I think I hear Kim coming back to life! Yay! I know what it feels like to come out of the fog of a new and crazy place in life. And I'm glad you are pursuing the art job. Let me know if you want to see what our art teacher does. And heck yeah, go to the fair by yourself if you want to. Just know that you might need a friend to help you resist those fried oreos! :) Love you! M

Jennifer T. said...

So glad you've finally come to that realization. I have to admit, I was a little sad when you accepted your current job because I felt like you were settling for something just because you didn't think you could get the job you really wanted. Not to say that you shouldn't have taken it, but just to say that I'm glad you're going to continue looking! You can do it!

And it cracks me up AND scares me that you want to go the fair alone. I'm sure you have a good reason and I can't wait to hear it. Just don't go at night!