What can I say? I'm just a big baby. The "new job" thing... man. It was just a lot to process. I'm still processing it all, but I have had some thoughtful moments this weekend, and I am hoping that I am in a healthier place now. Mentally anyway.
Why is it so easy to turn God's blessings into hindrances? The first 8 days of the new job were good. Since then, it's just been so hard. Not bad, but hard. Too hard to just use the word "good" when people say "how's the new job". But the last couple of days I have been really trying to ask myself, what's so hard? Is it the job? Is it trying to meet the expectations that I assume other people have of me? Or is it trying to meet the expectations that I have placed on myself? Frankly, at this point, I don't even know. But it's time to calm down. To start taking deep breaths and just doing my best. I need to refocus. I have shifted ALL of the focus onto me. What can I do. I need to be focusing on what God is doing. My goodness Kim. We should know this by now.
That is the other thing that has been on my mind the last few days. What it all boils down to is a maturity issue. I love our new Sunday School class (which I realized today we have been members of for over a year now) and there are some people in there who just seem so spiritually mature. It has really given me perspective and shown me areas of life where I need to grow. Firstly, I don't read my Bible every day. I mean, I guess occasionally a week will come where I am 7 for 7, but it's more common to be 5 for 7, or 4 for 7. And I LOVE God's word. Why in the world do I not delve into it more? I get distracted by mediocre fiction and let those paperback sedatives steal the time that I should be spending each morning in the word. Secondly, I am kind of selfish with my prayers. I don't pray for other people enough, and I don't pray WITH other people enough. Mainly Brett. I should include him more in my prayer life. It would probably strengthen, not only my prayer life, but also my marriage. Um, that should be a no-brainer, right?
And here is the big one. You know the story. My sin trap. The food. I have been reading through the Bible for a while now, and I am in Psalms. Last week David said something about "the sins of my youth". How he had outgrown them. Not me. Still struggling with the same old sins. I mean, where is the repentance? Do I even mean it when I ask for forgiveness after worshiping at the refrigerated throne if ONE DAY LATER, I am back to stuffing my mouth until I am in pain? I am a lot more active at my current job, so it should have been the perfect time to take steps toward becoming healthier. Instead, I get so stressed out and keyed up while I am at work, the second that I leave, I am seeking something soft and tasty to put in my mouth to distract me from my day. I am back to eating until it hurts, and that is NOT the life I want to live. Not only is it killing me, it's separating me from God. My friend Chris said a few weeks ago that gluttony is the sin that Baptists love to overlook, for this Southern Baptist, it is time for that to STOP!
You may be interested to know that I rejoined Weight Watchers Saturday. Again. The leader practically rolled her eyes at me when I walked in the door. It kind of hurt my feelings. Not that I expect her to pull out pompoms and do a welcome back cheer, but she is paid to be there whether I am there or not. I'm not wasting HER time by being a five time member. So can you please just pretend that I have a chance here, Lady? Sigh.
I weigh a shameful 252 pounds. I bought a lot of clothes when I started this new job, and I want to still fit into them two months after starting the job. So the weight gain has to stop NOW! Because I weigh so much, I am starting my WW journey, this time around, with 33 points a day. Yesterday, on day one, I ate 34. I haven't had dinner yet today and I only have 5 points left. But I don't plan on using many flex points tonight, and I won't use anymore this week. So we'll see how it goes. I don't really know what else to say. I am not fired up and ready to conquer the world. I'm not completely hopeless either... I am prayerful, and I hope to stay that way.
So anyway, long time no talk. Sorry I've been so sporadic. I hope to be a little more regular, but it probably won't be every day. That is definitely one of the few things I miss about my old job. I miss everything being easy, and I miss the time I had on a computer. But maybe when I lose some of the extra weight and add some activity into my days, I will have more energy and be able to sit at my computer now and then again. We shall see.
1 comment:
hope things get easier for you ... quickly! praying for you.
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