Friday, February 12, 2010

Weekly Weigh In 2.12.10

239.6

It was a mostly good food week, but as always, could have been better. I need to get more vegetables in the mix. I'm feeling so toxic lately, I think I am going to address that need pronto.

Monday was fine, food-wise, but I grocery shopped that night, so no exercise. We had tostadas and they rocked. Tuesday I walked with Jenina and then ended up eating leftover tostadas because I didn't think my tummy could handle the steaks that Brett was making for dinner. Mine is still in the fridge waiting to be eaten. Wednesday night I had class. I ate a sandwich and an individual sized bag of baked lays on my way to class and then came home and had a bowl of soup. No exercise. And then yesterday. Sigh.

I went back and forth yesterday morning, while waiting in bed for the alarm to force me out, about what to do. How to get to the meeting. I was still hoping for the weather to take care of the problem for me, but I was trying to figure out what to do if the weather didn't. I had a wonderful fantasy about calling in sick and spending my pre-meeting time in bed and my post-meeting time working out and watching Julie & Julia again. As I mentioned yesterday, I ended up sucking it up and taking advantage of my general state of crapiness to work from home. Not as good as calling in sick, but a heck of a lot better than being at the office.

Turns out I did over-romanticize this meeting. It was no big deal. I filled out a form and was in and out in ten minutes. I really liked the VP. I think we could be friends... I could tell instantly that we had a lot in common. She has all 7 Harry Potter books lined up on a shelf, a Twilight calendar hanging behind her desk, and a picture of her 4 year old, red-headed niece.

But it was an opportunity and I did my best to make the most of it. It doesn't help that I tend to talk too much, or just plain say the wrong thing, when I am nervous. And I was trying to come across as professional, which, let's face it... I'm not. I'm casual. And friendly. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be a good teacher.

I'm rambling.

The thing is, I was kind of excited about this meeting. I wanted someone to be excited with me. I sort of fished for that... I mentioned it to four people. The only person who came close to expressing any enthusiasm was Jenina. My mom and Brett were quick to tell me it was no big deal. My mom is a Principal's secretary, so this is all routine to her. And Brett has a lot on his mind. The little things that are filling my world right now just can't stand up to the big ones that are dominating his. But they don't feel little to me. I know they are small steps, but it's all part of a big thing. The scariest thing I've done in my life. Falling in love was scary for a week, but then it was safe. Getting married wasn't scary, it was right. But this is scary. To me.

I feel kind of sad. And lonely. And I'm still in pain. God kept me honest yesterday... I was in the bathroom all day. I got some work done, but not as much as I wanted to. I hope my boss isn't mad today. The weather is delaying our opening, but I am about to throw on make-up and clothes. I'm hoping to be the first one to work, and I'm hoping that by the time other people show up, I'll be caught up. I still feel like crap.

I've spent the last 24 hours trying to focus on the good. I've been praying for my friends who are in need of prayer... Tara, Stephanie, John, Scott... I've been praying for my husband who is at his wit's end. I've been promising the Lord that I will continue to lean on Him and asking for his grace and mercy and forgiveness for my unshakable selfishness. And I'm so tired. I have class tomorrow. And the next Saturday. And the next. And the next. And then I'll be done. Our vacation is not next week, but the following. I will be observing 3 days, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I am so looking forward to that Monday. There is a lot I want to get done on my two days of vacation... if I don't clean the apartment soon, my head might explode. But that Monday I will rest.

I hope everyone has a good weekend and a sweet Valentine's Day. I am so ready to celebrate my husband. I love him so much and I have been almost helpless watching him suffer the last two weeks. I give it my all! Throwing out every word of encouragement I can find and listening as intently as I can... but my attempts, for a few hours every evening, can't match the 11 hours of struggle that he deals with every day at work. I hope that this weekend we can feel thankful and safe and secure in our love for each other. I wish the same for you!

2 comments:

Tricia said...

Hope you have a great weekend!

Jennifer T. said...

Sorry I didn't make a big deal about the meeting. I knew it wasn't a big deal from the school perspective, so I didn't act like it was. I didn't realize you were excited about it. I thought you thought it was weird, and honestly, I thought it was weird. I didn't see any reason for them to need to meet with you when we have observers/volunteers in and out of our school all the time. Next time, I'll be excited! ;)