Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Ugh. Double Ugh.

What is my problem? I mean, I can give you a long list, but it really just sounds like whining.

I am definitely tired. And PMS has been a booger this month. Most months my period comes and goes with nothing more than a couple of days of cramping. Today I was on the verge of tears all day. It started this morning because it just hurt so bad! And once the tear gate is open, it just has to run it's course! And I just feel so TIRED! I keep letting out these long sighs, like I'm not breathing right or something. I don't feel out of breath. But I don't really feel good either.

I feel like I need a massage. Or a chiropractor. Or both. Brett is going to pop my back for me tonight, but I need someone to dig out the knots that are hiding in my shoulder blades. Ugh.

Also, I'm hungry. Way more than I was last week. Today is day 9 of my war against... food? Myself? The voices? Whatever. It's going okay, but the last two days I sure have been hungry. It's weird... this weekend I wasn't super hungry so I didn't eat much and I lost no weight. Yesterday I WAS super hungry but didn't stray from my food plan, ate all of my calories, and lost a bit of weight. I hope it's the PMS making me hungry. I hope this will all be a memory come Sunday. Ugh.

As I mentioned before, I've done this a few times. Gone on a mission to make healthier choices and lose weight. Sometimes it's been drama free because I'm really just doing it to reach a certain goal. Like lose X amount of weight before prom, or the wedding, or whatever. But the times that I am really trying to CHANGE... to face my demons... they are always a bit more dramatic. This time has been no exception, and it's only been 9 days.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that last week I happened across a new blog. I noticed that this girl was commenting on several of the blogs that I follow so I decided to check out her blog. Man. It's like someone picked up all of my old diaries and decided to assume a personality based on my life. She started her blog several months ago, sometime this summer I think, and shortly after, she came to the realization that she is an addict. Her food issues aren't just "issues", they are addiction. And she speaks VERY openly about her struggles. I appreciate her honesty immensely, and I love her writing. But it is very hard to read.

I can describe addictive behaviors easily because I lived that life for a long time. For years. But for the most part, even though I still struggle tremendously with my food, I don't behave like an addict. Again, I will say for the most part, because there are definitely times when I recognize behavior in myself that is "addict behavior" for lack of a better term. But I can say that those behaviors are not regularly occurring in my life right now. There has been one occasion since the wedding that I realized that I had fallen into a destructive pattern. I confessed it to Brett immediately and that made me more accountable for those choices somehow. I acknowledged the behavior and that took away the option of ignoring it.

Okay, tired is rearing it's ugly head because I am making no sense. Ramble much?

The point I am trying to make is that reading this girl's blog is almost like reliving those days. I don't know if it is affecting me in a negative way or if it is painting a clearer picture of what I am facing right now. I can't treat this change as simply a weight loss solution. This is live or die. I would like to choose life once and for all!

The holidays are always tricky because there are so many food centered events. Occasions where I can't plan every bite beforehand. I'm trying not to worry about those occasions before it's necessary. Take things one day at a time. But our first holiday party is this Friday and I'm already nervous. Well, half the time I am nervous, and half the time I am just not looking forward to it. I know that I'm not going to eat anything harmful. If there is a fruit plate, I will partake (in fact, I think I've decided to bring a fruit plate!) but I will ignore the rest of the food. The party has a Christmas morning theme so everyone is bringing breakfast foods. Pancakes and donuts are not foods that I can eat just one night at a party without them having a seriously negative effect on me. And I'm not looking forward to the party because I feel like I'm not going to enjoy it. I'm going to be wishing that I could eat all of the tastiness like everyone else. I'm going to be hungry when I get there because it starts at 6:30 and, on a Friday night, we will have to leave straight from work to get there anywhere close to on time. And I will be hungry when I leave there because all I will have eaten is a cup of fruit. And I will be just hoping that the time passes quickly in between. I HATE having that attitude. But it's our Sunday School classes Christmas party, and I haven't really made many friends in there yet. I can small talk with a small handful of people, but I don't feel like anyone there cares whether I am there or not.

Ugh! I told you I am whiny! I sound like such a brat! Like I think it's all about me! I promise I don't feel that way... I'm just struggling today.

There are two comments that I read on this girl's blog that really resonated with me. The first is something like "you can either choose the pain of discipline now, or the pain of regret later". I don't think that's the exact wording, but it's something along those lines and it really got me thinking.

The second one I read today. It said something like "some days I feel like the destructive behavior is a thing of the past, and some days I feel like it is only one bite away".


Okay, enough whining. Tomorrow is a new day. It will probably be similar to today, but really, the only thing bad about today was ME! My attitude. So tomorrow is a brand new chance to... everything.

And I should say that, just in case "that girl" is reading this. (I have left her a few comments...). I love your blog. I think you are so brave and so amazing. And your honesty is really humbling. You are walking a road that millions of people walk, and I know you feel alone, but keep walking. As long as you can, keep walking. Because it's life or death, ya know? Keep choosing life.

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