Monday, December 7, 2009

Nighttime Thoughts

I should be in bed. Brett fell asleep early and if I were a smart girl, I would have stayed in bed and let my heavy eyelids lead the way to dream land. But we were watching a movie that got my mind going, and I thought it might be quicker to spend thirty minutes on the computer and get these thoughts out, than to chase them around for hours in bed.

First, I am happy to say that dinner was a success! I was nervous! After last nights grossness when I tried a new recipe I had a tiny fear that all FOUR of the new recipes that I am trying this week would bomb. Well I don't know about the remaining two, but tonight's was a WIN! I really enjoyed it. It was a pasta dish, so I ate enough to keep my points low but unfortunately, this time around, it wasn't quite enough to make me full. Even with the veggies that I served along side it, I was still hungry. Next time I will try some healthier noodles so I can eat more!

(Guess I should have stayed in bed. I think I woke Brett up. I will try to make this quick.)

The other little rabbit that had me running in circles while I was laying in bed is regret. I think a lot about living with regret. How unfortunately, there are things in my past that I have done or that have happened that I can not change, and I will always live with the regret of those events. I don't like to think about them, and frankly, I don't want to add any more events to that list. There are other things that have happened in the past that I DO have the power to change. My career for instance. I can't say that I regret being a graphic designer for 7 years. I like what I have learned and I know that I will always use those skills wherever life takes me. But if I continued on this path for another ten years, or five, or even one, I would regret it. Whether we like it or not, jobs fill our life. Most people spend more waking hours with their coworkers than they do their friends and even their family. To stay in a job where I am unhappy for longer than is necessary is... unnecessary. I have the power to change my position. Or at least to try. Some days it feels impossible, but PEOPLE DO IT EVERYDAY. And of THEY can do it, SO CAN I! I choose not to live with the regret of staying at the wrong job.

And the food thing. I can change my patterns, but I can't take away the scars. I have inflicted pains that will never fully heal. I regret many, I repeat, MANY decisions that I have made in regards to food. I am trying to change my choices. But I am completely and utterly flawed. A day will come when I will fail, and I may fall hard enough to add another scar. But I hope and pray that I will always find a way to get back up and TRY to not make choices that I will regret for the rest of my life.

So... something I've never done... and I've often wondered if I SHOULD regret not having done this before. I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately... joining a gym. I've never really had a membership to a gym. I had a membership to Curves for a few months, but that's not the experience that I am referring to now and frankly, it's not an experience that I liked enough to try again.

Here's the deal. I confessed a few days ago that I have a secret desire to be a runner, and someone said to me that it starts with walking, which I TOTALLY agree with, and I got all excited and geared up to go for a walk and then... it was cold. And I remembered we don't have sidewalks anywhere near the apartment. And Brett doesn't like the idea of me going off to strange trails to walk by myself. And the excuses just kept coming. And they are all true. I LIKE to walk. It is a form of activity that I think about often, and have done occasionally in the past, but never long term. Because something always gets in the way.

I feel like maybe a gym would eliminate all of that? I mean the excuses. Because seriously, if you have a gym membership, what excuse do you have to not work out? Um, unless you're injured or crazy busy, you got nothin'! You don't have excuses, you just have choices. I think that I would feel safe in a gym. I wouldn't worry about the weather at a gym. And I have one two minutes from my house.

These are all compelling arguments. So what's holding me back?

Well, first of all, the money. We are trying to get our finances in order and joining a gym is one more bill. The monthly bill may not be that high, but joining usually is, and where is that money going to come from? I don't know... sometimes when I think about the sacrifices that choosing a gym membership would mean, I want to shut up, tie my laces and just go walk in the parking lot of our apartment. Good times.

I also get a tiny bit of nervous stomach when I think about actually BEING at a gym. With other people. Who aren't like me. Sigh. Expanding on that could make this already rambling post WAY too long, but I think you know what I mean.

And finally, not to sound like an overly sappy newlywed, but it's time away from Brett. From my husband who I love and who, despite the fact that I see him every night, I don't always feel like I get enough time with. Sigh. We talk about working out together. But a gym is not the answer for him right now. It is a personal choice and I would never dream of pressuring him to make that move. But does that mean that it's not the right thing for me? I honestly don't know.

Possible solution: one of my sisters has a membership at a gym in Coppell (I think). And half of my family has talked about joining with her. That is all kinds of tempting!

Okay, my tired head is winning out. I wish that I had made a little more sense in this post. I'm not really any closer to clarifying my thoughts on this issue. But now you know it is on my mind. Any input or advise you have would be much appreciated.

Off to dream land! I hope.


Jennifer said...

Joining a gym was the best thing I ever did. And it does help in cold weather to know that you have a place to go work out and not worry about getting rained on or getting a chill. And I was also intimidated at first, but what I have ultimately figured out is that I am the only one paying attention to me at the gym. Everyone else is there to do their own thing, and they aren't watching me. I have made some friends there that I know will notice if I don't show up, so it helps with the accountability part of it. :) Just start putting your money back a little at a time to save up for the startup fees. (But I know that 24 hour usually runs a lot of specials in January, so you might see an opportunity to join with no money down...I'd keep an eye out for specials like that!)

As for the pasta, that is one of those foods I have a very hard time with. I usually bake a spaghetti squash and scrape out the "noodles" and put sauce on that. Almost no points, and you can eat a BUNCH! It doesn't have the same exact texture as pasta, but I like it and it makes a very good substitution.

Keep up all the good work you're doing!! Just remember, it's all our bumps and bruises and scars that make us who we are, and we are beautiful in God's eyes!

Marie said...

Your thoughts about regret really struck a chord with me. When I was 18 I made a conscious decsion to try to live a life without regrets. I'd seen them in action and lived them throughout high school. And I'm so glad I made that choice. I don't perfectly live up to this, OBVIOUSLY, but it is something that regularly pops into my mind when I am making choices. Will this be something I will regret doing, or not doing in the future??

Even all these years later, and that's a lot of years friend, I remember that Christ has not called us to live and wallow in our regrets. He came to save us from them when we walk in His way. And there's that awesome forgiveness stuff when we do mess up.

Anyhow.. love you ... praying for you... will miss you this Sat, but will see you soon!