It started out fine. We got there and mingled a bit but then headed to the movie room. The greatness of Christmas Vacation was on and there was a small group watching it and laughing and quoting. I didn't feel bad sitting on the couch and joining them because there was plenty of socializing going on along with the movie. When the movie was over we did the White Elephant gift exchange. It also was, I thought, okay. But I'm not sure what happened after that. People seemed to immediately flock to a group and start chatting when the game was over and I found myself alone. I went to talk to my friend Nicole (I sit by her in choir and was SO thankful that she was there last night. I seemed to have the easiest time talking to her.) who was holding our SS teacher's baby. I asked to hold the baby for a bit and as I was walking around the room with the baby, I caught a really unfortunate reflection of myself. Has that ever happened to you? You are walking along, chugging through your day, and BOOM! A mirror, or a wall of windows that you weren't expecting, and you realize that the outfit that looked totally cute on you when you were standing still in your bedroom in front of your mirror that morning actually looks TERRIBLE when you move around in it during the day. I like that jacket. I wear it often. I thought it IMPROVED my outfits. I was wrong. At least, with that shirt, it is a bad mix. No. If it looks bad with that shirt, it must look bad with them all.
Darn.
So I immediately felt ridiculous. The party had a "Christmas Morning" theme. We were told to wear our pajamas. Well I don't have any real pajamas. I have two black pairs of pajama pants that I could have worn with my one long sleeve t-shirt, and now I guess that I wish I had, but I was thinking that I would look terrible in it. They are both really old and I thought I would be embarrassed. I also thought that not everyone would be in pajamas. I WAS WRONG! Out of the 30 people there, only TWO of us were not in pajamas. Me and a guy named Brent. But my thinking was, well at least this is a cute outfit.
Yeah. That didn't work out.
By the time we left the party I was almost in tears. After I caught that reflection, I gave the baby back to Nicole and went to "wash my hands". Code for hide in the bathroom while I try not to cry.
I came out of the bathroom, went and shoved myself into a group conversation and was SO thankful ten minutes later when Brett found me and asked if I was ready to leave.
I am not going to let that happen again. I feel a little out of place in that group because, and I am seriously not exaggerating right now, I am TWICE the size of every girl in that class. They are all so beautiful. No obvious flaws. And then there's me. What a horrible thing for me to think about. Especially because it is a huge foothold for Satan to grab onto every Sunday morning when I am trying to learn and grow closer to my Lord and Savior. And HELLO!!! The only person in that room whose opinion I should worry about it my husband's. And he, for some crazy reason, is head over heels for me! AND, on top of that, everyone is SO nice! There is only one girl in there who makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like she zones in on me when I am feeling uncomfortable and instead of trying to make me feel better, she says things like "Are you tired or something? You look terrible." Thanks.
I am going to stop letting Satan win that battle. I am the only person in that room who cares about what I look like, and I don't even care until I'm in that room! At least not in that way. I'm not making changes primarily to change the way that other people see me. Screw other people! This is about me! My health! My life! No one else's.
For the first time in 12 days, I ate away the pain when I got home last night. I stopped WAY before I wanted to, but I did give in and eat 2 slices of Brett's pizza, just to stop my head for a bit. But today is a new day. I will fill it with good choices and with love.
I hope everyone has a great weekend!
1 comment:
I think you need a big giant ((((HUG))))!!!!! Ya know, when I was 135 pounds wearing a 8/9 I still felt like the hugest ugliest most ackward person in the room. When I was the 238 pound person in the room I felt the same way. Then when I decided to lose weight so that I could play on the floor with my children/keep up with them I decided along with the weight also had to come self LIKE. How could I teach my daughter to love herself if I didn't know to love ME. So insead of focusing on what I thought were my "flaws" I started focusing on the things I liked which were my eyes. I bought some new makeup, watched some online videos how to get those great eyes, colored my hair and bought some great sheer lipgloss (if you play up your eyes wear a shear gloss on your lips). I felt better about myself and it was a cheap fix. :) In the mean time that was SOMETHING I COULD FIX. The weightloss would come later and it did. Now I am 170 pounds and while I am still working to get to the 140's I love myself more than I ever have. Also, make sure when Brett says your pretty or you looke nice, learn to not say anything but Thankyou. My husband told me it hurts his feelings when he says I look nice and then I come back with something negative so I have learned to say Thankyou and believe him. He sees my true beauty and that is all that matters really, right? Be kind to yourself. -kriss :)
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