Monday Morning

I have to say, it feels likes multiple weeks, not just one, since I started journaling and trying to change my choices. Last week flew by and felt long at the same time. Every day was so packed with new things and thoughts and feelings. Frankly, it was a little more than I was up for. But I am thankful to say that I didn't bury my feelings or frustrations in a plate of food. I wasn't even tempted to until yesterday.

Brett and I both have a lot going on right now. He is going through constant changes at work. It's hard for him to meet his and other's expectations because those expectations seem to change from day to day. And I've got the whole "change my life with my food and job" thing going on. We are both feeling a lot of pressure (some of which we totally know is self-inflicted) and it is making us extra sensitive. Or maybe extra careless. Either way, there's a lot of saying the wrong things, being upset for a few hours and then coming to apologize going on. I hate it. I know that it's part of being married, which we are still trying to learn how to do, and we are actually going through a period of growth, but growing pains suck. I love my husband so much and I HATE when I feel like I have let him down. And I think that's all I will say about that. Sigh.

But my point was, yesterday, sitting in church alone (Brett was sick =-( Just a little stomach bug, so it's over but he was in so much pain =-( ) I found myself daydreaming about bingeing. NOT A GOOD THING. As soon as I became conscious of my stream of thoughts, I shut them down, but they kept trying to sneak back into my head. For an addict, that's where it all begins. A single thought. An idea, that grows until it seems to take on it's own life that will not extinguish until it has accomplished it's task. Sometimes it's not even so much a craving, because most of the time, when I am thinking about bingeing, it's not the food that I desire, it's the break. The numbness that comes along with shoving bite after bite into my mouth. It takes a GREAT deal of effort, and a lot of prayer, to control those thoughts. When little quick ones shoot into my head, I say "no". Sometimes I say it out loud. And I usually say it a dozen times or so, because I say it every time that the thought appears while I frantically search for something else on which to focus my thoughts. Yesterday, those thoughts fortunately didn't take me anywhere. Some days being by myself in a car driving past dozens of drive-thru restaurants is torture. But yesterday, life just moved on.

My food was really weird this weekend, and I am hoping that the week is more normal. After being 400 calories over my goal on Friday, I unintentionally ended up being 400 calories UNDER my goal on both Saturday and Sunday. I had a sandwich and chips for both of my meals on Saturday, and turkey and mustard on wheat bread with some baked lays, though it is very filling, doesn't add up to a days worth of calories. We were totally out of fruit and veggies at home and I didn't feel safe snacking on the food that was available so I just didn't. Then yesterday I ordered soup and salad for lunch and the soup was GROSS! And then I tried a new recipe for dinner and it was GROSS!

BUT, I am happy to say that Brett and I spent a small fortune at the grocery store yesterday and the fridge is full of veggies! My fruit bowl only has apples in it, but I've got some fresh pineapple in the fridge too. Yumm yumm, eat 'em up! I am trying a new yogurt this week. I am VERY loyal to my Yoplait Light Vanilla, but it is a pretty large serving, and I always find myself wishing that it had fewer calories. So I am trying the smaller portioned, way less calories, Fiber One vanilla. I'll let you know what I think. I am one picky yogurt eater!

Say a little prayer for me today. I still feel like I am in the middle of a battle fumbling for weapons.