Saturday, March 2, 2013

When six weeks go by without me blogging, I always seriously consider throwing in the towel. Sometimes I just feel like hiding. It's almost always weight related. I don't really want to talk about my weight issues right now, and it's so deeply sewn into the fabric of my thoughts right now that I feel like I can't talk about anything without revealing my struggle.

Thinking like that comes straight from the enemy. I spent my lunch break crying yesterday because yesterday felt like one of those weeks where I just couldn't do anything right at work. I hate those weeks. Weeks when I believe the lie. I admittedly made some mistakes at work this week. Not really mistakes, but had multiple moments when I looked back and wished I had done something differently. But "I did nothing right" is a lie that the enemy wants me to believe, and I was so mad at myself yesterday for giving in to his lie, just like I've been giving in to his lifestyle for so many months.

I have been reflecting a lot the last two weeks and trying to figure out when it all began. My entire life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs with weight loss, and sometimes I am able to pinpoint when the numbers started heading back up. I don't handle big change in my life very well, and when I am feeling overwhelmed, and looking for something that feels "normal" it's very easy for me to turn to food and overeating because it is what I have done more than anything else in my life. Unfortunately.

I keep thinking back to October, when I was involved in the women's conference at my church, and it went really well, and the following day my husband and I had the biggest fight we have ever had and I felt like it was a direct attack from the enemy who didn't want the "high" from the conference to carry over into my life. That may or may not have been a turning point, but I know that it's been a long time since I have tried to be healthy. I've spent hours thinking about it, but when the time comes to eat, it's been pretty mindless, and the scale sure has noticed.

But Spring is just about here. New life is budding around me, and I want to be a part of it. I don't want to make any bold declarations here, but at least I am here. I will type a few more words and then click "publish". A reminder to myself that I am alive and that life is happening and the quality of my living is up to me.

Okay. Done.

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