Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dancing With Myself

Have you ever heard someone say "let's dance" before starting a fight? I'm pretty sure I have, in a movie or two. Well there has been a lot of "dancing" with myself lately! A war of words has been going on in my head. Well, more emotions than words... I try not to let the feelings last long enough to take on word form. But it all kind of spilled over today.

I'll say it one more time: I don't hate my job. There are lots of things that I like about it. For instance, Ruby, one of our part-timers who is AMAZING, gave me a giant bag of cough drops when we were leaving today because she knows that Brett and I have been fighting coughs for a while. This is the second bag she has brought me. And they aren't the Luden's sugar pills I loved when I was a youngster! These are the good stuff! I had no idea Ricola taste like chai tea, but they totally do!

But I can't fight the truth, as much as I sometimes want to. I don't love my job either. There are lots of positives, but if I could choose, it's not the job I would pick for me. Driving to work today I found myself imagining that I was driving to a different school, preferably to teach. Here's the thing about working for a private school: it's for profit. Meaning it's a business. Meaning someone owns it. And I work for a small private school, so I work with the owners on a daily basis. I realized today that this fact is a huge downer that I shared with my last job. There is an element of pressure and a level of expectations, sometimes imagined but sometimes totally legit, that goes along with working side by side with the owners of a business. It ain't easy!

But despite the fact that I have been here for 5 months now, and schools will start interviewing for teaching positions in a little over month, I am no more prepared for an interview than I was 5 months ago. And I obviously wasn't prepared enough then... I didn't get a teaching job! I wanted to use my time here to prepare for a teaching job, but the "new job" transition was WAAAAY more topsy turvy than I expected. And now the holidays are here, and the million things that go along with that have kept me occupied. So I'm not feeling good about interviews starting in January.

It shouldn't matter. I remind myself each time that I feel my sense of peace slipping away, that God's plan is the ONLY one that I want to follow. He is not worried about my portfolio. His plan is perfect, and it does not require my earthly references to be fulfilled.

So my goal for December is to stay calm and enjoy the season. This is my favorite time of year! By MILES! I love Christmas. December 1st starts in 13 minutes, and I am stating right now that I am going to bathe this month in prayer, and live each day intentionally, striving to glorify God.

Deep breath.

And if I'm going to dance with anyone, I want it to be my husband. The musical dancing, not the sparing dancing.

The end.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

Enjoy the Christmas season! It's one of my favorites, too!