Monday, July 12, 2010

Prayer From The Naproom

It was quite a week. On Friday, sitting in the Pre-K nap room, which I was happy to escape to because the tears I had been pushing down all day, all week, were dangerously close to the surface, I wrote down a prayer. I wrote it on a paper towel. One of those tri-fold crinkly paper towels. Because that is all I could find to write on without making noise. The kiddos were still trying to fall asleep, so I needed to be quiet.

And I had to pray. It was all I could do. I was full to the top and I needed to let something go. Because in so many ways, this week had been so FULL! Full of laughter and smiles, but also some tears. Full of uncertainty and occasional triumphs. Full of boo-boos. Full of rain. (Literally). But also full of sunshine. Just full. Overwhelming, really, is the word to use here.

I know that I am going to learn so much at this job. Grow so much. Every day I am learning. And that's a good thing! But there is so much to learn. So much growing to do, and I feel an urgency to do it quickly. I was at my last job for so long. It has literally been years since I have had to learn anything at work. So I am a little out of practice. And this job has so many what's, and each what seems to have several hows. And I am afraid that it would be very easy to get to the end of the what's and the hows and ask myself "am I really cut out for this?". Well, of course, right now, the answer is no! This is not the mold that I have been shaped into over the last seven years. This is completely new. And thankfully, I serve a God who I believe to be the Master Craftsman, and He is delighted to shape me into something new, and I am thankful for that! A little scared, but definitely thankful. Today I woke up thinking 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind." A sound mind. That would be nice.

But anyway, Friday, I prayed. Here is my prayer, written on a paper towel while I was in the Pre-K nap room surrounded by 12 sleeping (well... they weren't all sleeping) sweeties.

Lord please forgive me. I can't believe that I am responding to this amazing opportunity you have given me with fear. Please God, forgive my fear. It feels like disobedience. I give you my fear Lord. I give it to you and ask that you replace it with boldness. With sureness. Not in myself and my abilities, but in your divine plan and the knowledge that you have placed me here. That you chose me specifically, hand picked me, to fill this hole. Teach me to be as patient with myself as I am with other people. Teach me to desire to please only you. To satisfy only your will knowing that by serving you, I will be serving those you love - even those that you've put in my care to love. Thank you so much for my sweet husband. Thank you for the days when he is more concerned with my anxiety than his own. Teach me to love him better.

Fill me with joy Lord. You are the giver of all things. You have surrounded me with blessings. How can I feel anything but joy? Why do I worry? What is it I fear? May you never be hidden from me when I seek to follow you.

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