Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sometimes I Want To Lie...

And sometimes I want to tell you all the dirty truth. I didn't weigh in Friday morning. I was so overwhelmed by my week that I actually forgot to step on the scale before I got in the shower. But on Wednesday and Thursday I was up. I started exercising and the scale moved in the wrong direction. What the heck???

I wish that I could be "struck abstinent". It's a phrase I used to hear in OA. Some people would hit rock bottom and then decide to turn their life around, and they just did it. Just changed everything overnight. Maybe that will happen to me someday, but probably not. There have been times when I flip a switch one day and for a few months it seems like a permanent change in direction. But something always happens.

I ate Friday. And yesterday. More than any normal person would eat. I even pulled food out of the trash. Does that shock you? I guess it should. But it's a very sad, very normal part of life for some people. It's not normal for me. Friday morning I threw away a bag of open Tostitos that were left at our apartment on guys night a couple of weeks ago. I love chips. I mean, I could EASILY sit down and eat an entire bag. I never have, but I've come close.

Well Friday morning I threw the chips away. They've been calling to me for two weeks now and I finally decided to get rid of them. But I did that before my day really started. I woke up at 6:15, like I always do, on Friday and I was getting ready for work. It wasn't until I sat down to blow dry my hair that I decided that I couldn't just go to work. I needed some time. So I called my boss and then I got back in bed. Brett's boss told him Thursday night to only work 8 hours on Friday, so he was going in at 10:00 because right now, his students are working 10-7:00. I stayed in bed until he got up at 9:15 and then I got dressed and went to the library. The whole time I was there, I was trying to decide what to do for lunch. I was thinking about Subway because I'd been craving sandwiches all week, but really, I wanted some chips. When my hands touched that bag of Tostitos, my mouth automatically wanted to chomp some chips. Nothing really SOUNDED good for lunch though, so when I remembered we had two slices of leftover pizza in the fridge from Brett's dinner one night this week, I decided to just head home for a quick lunch and a bit of Rachael Ray before work. I knew that when I made the decision to go home I would be eating those chips.

They were at the very top of the trash. I know that doesn't make it better. Normal people don't pull food out of the trash can. But I did. And I've done it before.

So I had chips with shredded cheese melted on top, pizza and an ice cream bar before heading for work. On my way to work I stopped at McDonald's for an iced mocha. They make me sick every single time I drink one, but it's always what I want when I'm feeling bad. I also got a hamburger happy meal.

Friday night I snacked while I waited for Brett to get off work. We had dinner plans with one of his co-workers, but I knew that we weren't meeting him until 8 because Brett was working until 7:30. I had four pieces of toast. It's another thing that I crave when I am feeling bad. Don't know why. And I put a little turkey on two pieces of toast. So I guess you would call those sandwiches. Two sandwiches. I ate something else too, but I can't remember now what it was.

I was stuffed when we went to dinner. Heck, I was still full from lunch. The iced mocha was killing me. I only ate a few bites of my pasta. But still.

Yesterday was better. Well, that's not entirely true. Yesterday morning I drove through Chick-fil-a on my way to the test. I got a four piece chicken mini and a small coke zero. After the test I went to Whataburger to grab breakfast for Brett. I finished this test much faster than the last one. I was in a classroom instead of a testing center so it was MUCH easier for me to block out my surroundings. That probably should work the other way around, but when I can SEE things around me and I can SEE what is making the random noises, I'm not imagining what they are. The real world, I can handle... it's the world in my head that I can't block out. So anyway, I was debating whether or not to get a breakfast taquito for myself when I went to get one for Brett, but what I really wanted was something sweet. I wanted an iced mocha and cinnamon melts from McDonald's. But my stomach would have exploded if I'd had an iced mocha two days in a row. So I pulled into the gas station that is across the street from the Whataburger. I got a bottled frapacchino and a Honey Bun. It was probably the best Honey Bun I've ever had.

After that, the binging was over for the day. We went to The Olive Garden with Brett's mom. I got the linguini marinara, which is about 7 points, and I ate my salad and two breadsticks. So I could have skipped the bread (half of which was dipped in the alfredo sauce that we ordered on the side... why skip details now... apparently I'm spilling my guts today) but I made a decent choice on the meal. When we left Brett's mom's house at 5:00, we drove through Sonic to get Brett a Dr. Pepper and me an Ocean Water. But they had the Sweetheart Shake that they bring around every February, so I ordered a small one of those instead. It's my favorite. Chocolate covered cherry. But upon receiving the shake, I realized that they have changed it and it is no longer the greatness that I used to know and love... I still ate about a third of it, but I poured the rest out when I got home.

We went straight to bed. Brett is exhausted from being overloaded at work and I was empty from all of the test preparation, anxiety, and subsequent feelings of failure. I stayed in bed. I slept almost 12 hours.

Today is a new day, and I want to do better.

Are you disgusted? Do you even believe me when I say that I want to do better? I can barely make it through an entire day making only good choices. I really do want to do better. I'm feeling REALLY unattractive. Probably because I am gross. My face is so puffy. Brett still tells me that I'm pretty, but I feel like it's out of habit more than sincerity. I'm not pretty. I'm a mess. I'm sneaking food and that's bad. It has to stop. NOW. It's one of the telltale signs of an addict. Sneaking. Lying about what you are eating, or drinking, or buying or whatever addiction you struggle with.

I can't slip back into that lifestyle. It has to stop. So today I told you the truth when I wanted to lie. The scale said 239.4 this morning. But this week, I want to do better. I'm kind of at a loss as to how to be better. I know that I've had healthy habits before, but when I try to remember them, I draw a blank.

I think that I will buy a WW journal today. I told Brett that I needed to be out by myself for a bit. He has work to do, so I can sneak off for an hour or so while he is typing. But I don't want to sneak off to eat. I want to sneak off to find help. I need help. So this week, I will journal every bite. I will serve fresh vegetables with every meal. And I will walk as much as I can.

I'm so ashamed =-(


Marie said...

HUGS! Exposing secret sin to the light of truth is a powerful thing. Don't discount God working through this. Praying and praying. I love you!

Jennifer T. said...

You're not gross. You're beautiful and wonderful and a precious gift. And you might not believe it right now, but you are. Trust me, I have a very discerning personality. ;-) You are the real deal and I love you very much. We're in this together!

Anonymous said...

Having the courage to tell the truth is such a huge step in the right direction!

I love you and believe in you! You can do this!


Jennifer said...

Oh boy, do I understand this post. I could write a blogload of a that I should post on my own blog, but do not have the courage to do. Maybe I will after you were brave. I, too, have pulled something back out of the trash before. Which is why I now cover things in dish soap when I throw it out. Someone please tell me why a 37 year old woman can't seem to just throw tempting food away.

Know that you are not alone, and by sharing the things you feel badly about you are making yourself stronger. It's just one more step in your journey, and it gives other around you who support you one more oportunity to hold your hand through the tough stuff.

I really admire your courage...and I am willing to bet that anyone who loves you and reads this will just love you that much more. :) Trust that you are on the right path!!