Today was my last class. Well, sort of. I have a make up class next Saturday and ten or so online classes left to do. But the end is in sight. It feels good to make it through the program. It will feel better to make it to a new job. This week has been really wonderful in that I saw glimpses of myself where I want to be. I envisioned a classroom where I can belong. Where I can teach and help young people to grow. I've learned so much over the last few months. I know there is an infinite amount left to learn, but I enjoy learning. Some kinds of changes are good... changes that come from new knowledge that helps you to grow and evolve.
So that's good. Movement. Growth.
On the other hand... I feel so... numb? No, not numb. I feel so lost.
I was thinking about addiction the other day. Living with addiction is like being stranded in the ocean. No land for miles and miles and miles. Further than you can swim. Nothing to support you. You just float on your back and hope that you can survive long enough to somehow get out of the water. And sometimes, when the water is smooth and the weather is clear, the floating isn't so bad. It can almost seem peaceful, and your life can seem beautiful. But then a storm comes. The waters get rough. The waves pull you under, deeper and deeper, and you're never quite sure that you will be able to resurface. I mean, you always have in the past, so you assume that you will make it through. If you can wait it out. Just keep kicking. And breathing. One breath at a time. But the thought is always in your mind that the next wave may be the one to finish you. And, to every addict, there are times when that thought is appealing.
What is wrong with me? How can I hate, so completely, the choices that I make, but continue to make them over and over? I know that this lifestyle will kill me. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I can't live like this. My husband deserves better. My family loves me. They want to keep me around. And Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Always with me. Whether I am safe on solid ground or floating in an ocean. I am never alone.
Do songs ever speak to you? Of course they do. Music speaks to everyone. It's funny how you can find meaning in the smallest things when you are searching for hope. I heard a song a couple of weeks ago that really comforted me. I've heard it before, just had never noticed this line before. Good ole Third Day. They rock my socks. A few lines from "Cry Out To Jesus":
For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
Tomorrow is the last day of February. That means Monday is a new month. I could use a fresh start. As every Weight Watcher knows, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I think that I need to do some planning. Life is way too crazy for me right now to just expect to have time to figure things out along the way. If I'm too tired to make the extra effort, I will take the easy choice every time. But if I can plan ahead and get all of the thinking out of the way, I can be tired and still make good choices. Theoretically. Right?
It was a beautiful day today. Walking weather. That's a good sign.
Brett is feeling much better today. Thank you to all of you who have been praying.
2 comments:
Kim I think it's important to recognize that you have an addiction but be careful in letting that define you. The great thing about food addiction is (unlike alcohol or sexual addiction) it can be overcome without always having that label. I too used to be addicted to food and mainly starbucks frappichinos. Not the small ones either but the ventis with whip. I had to have not one but two a day sometimes to make it at work. I think about all the money I spent (when I worked) and it sickens me. Not to mention all the calories. Anyway when I embarked on breaking my addiction I found that having a notebook handy in my purse helped. Not to write all the calories, fat, etc but just the item itself. If I had to write this item in the book it really kept me from making bad choices because I didn't want to have to write the bad item down. I also knew that even if I
didn't write it in the book it still counted. Then before I knew it I was making good food choices all the time because it became my new habit. Now I still enjoy starbucks but no bigger than a tall, always skinny with no whip. I don't need anything more than that. Also if you will look at food as fuel and not always as pleasure...I heard on Dr Oz that food that brings us pleasure mostly makes us misarble. Kwim?
Kim, I think the very first sentence of what Kriss has posted is right on. Do not let this define you...YOU decide how to define you. And when you start to think about how to define yourself, think of words like smart, courageous, loving, faith-filled, and wonderfully made!
I have been struggling, too. As a matter of fact, I have eaten so much junk that even I can't believe it. However, today is my day to start over. And if I stumble, then I'll just keep starting over, because one of these times it will stick and I can move forward. Maybe that will happen today!
One of my favorite literary characters (Anne of Green Gables) tells us that each day is fresh with no mistakes in it. Take each morning and run with it! We're not perfect, so we'll put some mistakes in our day, but be kind to yourself anyhow. Set a goal for today only...and make it something you can manage. When you've gotten through the day, think of a small reward...maybe buy a fun magazine, or a pack of gum or a bottle of nail polish. Then set a goal for two days, then three, etc. Kim, you can do this, and you have a lot of people on here who believe in you, too. Rome wasn't built in a day. It was a brick at a time. I think I am laying my first brick today, and we'll see how it goes. Take a deep breath and lay your brick today, too!
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