Thursday, November 12, 2009


Stopping to write this post is going to make me late to work (but I'm always late) and it's going to give me frizzy hair because I've already taken it out of a towel and brushed it (but that's what ponytail holders are for) but I just had to take the time. It's FINALLY happened!

Months ago, one random day, my good eating stopped. Don't know why, just one day the switch flipped and it stopped. I know we can all relate to this. It happens. And I knew that it would eventually switch back, but I didn't know when and I sure have been ready for it the last few weeks...

Last night I was so self conscious sitting in choir with the seat digging into my legs. I didn't want to hold the music in my lap because then I would have to see my legs which were stuffed inside my used-to-be-comfortable-but-are-now-too-tight jeans. Then I went to dinner with Brett. I had already eaten but he hadn't so I committed one of my big no-nos. I ordered a dessert. I RARELY do this. It just feels inexcusable. We all know that any restaurant dessert (except the old WW cake on the Applebee's menu) has a million calories and pretty much no redeemable characteristics. They are occasionally acceptable to indulge in... on birthdays or anniversaries... split between a group. But on a Wednesday night? What was I celebrating? I wasn't hungry when I ordered it, I was miserable when I finished eating what I ate of it, and I didn't enjoy it. It was mediocre at best. Not even close to being worth the mental and physical pains it caused.

But that still wasn't enough to flip the switch. Those things have been happening every day. Eating the wrong things when I'm not hungry to begin with and going to bed too full and hating myself. It's a way of life for compulsive eaters. Or a way of non life, I should say.

But this morning I was reading my dad's latest post. He started a blog this summer when his switch flipped. He's a great writer. You should check it out here.

Every Wednesday he posts a weekly weigh in. My dad is less than ten pounds heavier than me and rapidly shrinking. Which means that I am days away from being the heaviest person in my family, for the first time ever.

My dad is in his fifties and is in the process of completely changing his life. My life is changing. I am taking steps that are hopefully going to change everything (steps that I have been reluctant to talk about on here because I'm not ready for certain people to know about them but I may give in and risk it soon because it is too much to contain in my head and I don't get to talk about it enough to other people) so why not take this step too? NOW!!! Why fix one area of my life and ignore the others that are in such disrepair?


I started a new food journal this morning. I'm ready to stop the madness.

Pray for me, please. I am a compulsive eater who has years and years of habits that haunt me at night and in the quiet places of my day and any path that I try to take without seeking God's guidance will only lead me to more pain.

Thank you for the support that you bring me on a weekly basis. Thank you for sharing your life with me on your blogs and always being honest. And thanks for being around even when my switch is in the wrong position.

Okay. Off to tackle the frizzy hair!

1 comment:

Marie said...

You are in my prayers! I love you and am sending happy salad thoughts your way!