Thursday, January 26, 2012

First Hard Day

It is day 13 of being back on Weight Watchers, and I had my first hard day. Here's what happened.

Thursday mornings always begin with a certain amount of "bad day" probability. I currently own one pair of jeans that fit well, though I don't love the color, one black skirt that fits well, one pair of black pants that are tight, but wearable with a long shirt and one pair of gray pants in that same category. We are allowed to wear jeans on Fridays, so that is 4 days a week that it is easy to find an outfit for work. Thursdays are not my strong point. While it is still cold outside, I have two options. A "springy" skirt that is full length, but would rock the low temperatures if I had a nice chunky white sweater. Also, a knee length black skirt that I can wear with black leggings. My black leggings are too small though. I can wear them, but all day I worry that they are falling down. However, the skirt and leggings have been my fifth option for the last several weeks.

This weekend I went hunting for a white sweater. I was not successful. I am sure that there are still sweaters out there, but I didn't find one at any of the stores I went to. I did, however, buy a long sleeve v-neck that I thought would work with the skirt. That was my plan for today. Well guess what? The shirt looked terrible with the skirt. I shouldn't have waited until this morning to try it out, but that is what I did.

So I was late to work on a day where the owner was working, and she has a way of making me feel nervous, even when there is no reason to be. She also brought bagels. Einstein Bros., chocolate chip bagels with honey almond cream cheese. My favorite.

All morning, the bagels were at the forefront of my mind. You couldn't smell the actual bagels, but you could smell the little cardboard house that the E Bros. bagels come in, so in our tiny little space behind the counter, the bagels had a presence, if you will, that was inescapable.

All morning I resisted. But then Michelle went to lunch. And then Christy went to lunch. And I was alone in the office. And I was hungry. And I decided that it was ridiculous to worry so much over a stupid circle of bread. So I got up and took half of a bagel. It was bagel perfection, and I didn't skip a beat before washing it down with the other half of the bagel.

It was a rough day. Driving home for lunch, I teared up, because I HATE when I feel like the food is in control of me, rather than me being in control of the food. When I'm not worrying about food, and eating what I want, it is so peaceful to not feel like the food is ruling me. But that is what I did for a year, and I gained a significant amount of weight. I just don't make healthy choices naturally. I eat too much. Of the good and the bad... too much.

So I'm feeling bad about all of this today. Guess what is my normal reaction to feeling bad about something? Eating. Eating something soft and chewy. Thinking only about the eating, not about what is making me feel bad. I know that the problem is still there when my plate is empty, but the eating is still an escape, however brief.

This always happens when I am trying to eat healthier. There comes a day when I need to escape, and I can no longer turn to the food. And the hurt, the frustration, is so tangible that it almost chokes me. And I am lonely without the food. I hate to admit that, but I feel it. Today was that day.

My day ended better than it started. It is almost 9:00. I am headed to switch some loads of laundry around and make some cookies for a work party tomorrow. I would have rather bought cookies than made them, but we had all the ingredients and no spare money to spend.

I hope everyone has a great Friday and a safe weekend.


Marie said...

Hang in there! Bad days will come and go. Just take each moment for what it is. And I wish I could sent my white sweater your way. Praying for you!

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