I'm not sure what it is... why the walking isn't coming easier. Maybe it's the fact that I am tired before I even get to the park. My days feel long right now. I'm trying super hard to be positive! But I gave in once today and sent a grumpy text to John. John (the guy I share an office with) and I vent to each other by texting when we get frustrated at work. Our room is kind of a walkthrough so we are safer texting than talking. Three times yesterday I started to send a text and then stopped because I didn't want to feed the negative attitude, I wanted to smother it! But today I gave in. I get frustrated when it feels like John and I are the only ones really working. That's all I'm going to say because, again, I don't want to feed this attitude! Deep breath.
But anyway. I am reading a book called The Daily 5 right now about fostering literacy in the classroom. (Have I mentioned this already? Forgive me if I have... I'm pretty sure I've only said this to Brett since it occurred to me this weekend.) The authors talk about building stamina. On the first day of school, they don't expect their first graders to be able to sit and read for 30 minutes. They start small and spend time EACH DAY developing habits, and then eventually, what was impossible becomes ordinary. So I was thinking this weekend, maybe if I started walking more frequently it would help me build stamina. This is not a long trail. It's not even a mile. And I usually start out at a good pace, but when I'm through with the first quarter of the loop and I hit that first incline, which is so tiny I'm embarrassed to even mention it, my ankles start to burn. Usually, during the week I just do the half trail. Well, it's probably more than half, but there is a bridge that cuts it probably after 3/5 of the trail. I walk the full thing on weekends but during the week, I take the bridge. But the walking isn't really getting easier yet. I'm not walking frequently enough to build stamina. And I also slow down halfway through. I know that I need to push myself to improve, but most days I just don't feel like I can.
Well today I did. I didn't really feel like walking. Not because I was too tired, but because mentally, I had a trying day. Work was frustrating and I was lonely all day. But in an effort to build my stamina, I want to keep walking daily until I really NEED a day off. I want the walking to be the norm and the day off to be the exception. So instead of my goal being to walk three times a week, my goal is to walk every day that I possibly can. I have walked the past three days, and though I was tired today, I didn't feel unable to walk. I even thought it might make me feel better. Clear my head. So I went. The park was super crowded. The last thing I wanted was to interact with strangers tonight, so I wore my sunglasses. I pushed them up to my hair halfway through the walk, but not to be friendly! Just because it was getting darker. Not only was the park crowded, but people were walking in groups and not moving over when I passed them so I had to walk in the grass. The uneven grass does NOT help my hurting ankles. Come on people! Big girl walking. Clump for goodness sake!
But even though I didn't want to walk tonight and then my walk started out kind of frustrating, I decided to walk the whole loop tonight. My pace slowed too quickly tonight, and I just didn't think I could make my legs move any faster. So I decided to walk the full loop and not worry about my pace, just do my best. I told myself I would feel like I accomplished something when I was done. Huh.
Here's the thing. I would be all kinds of motivated if the activity were having results. But my food has been less than perfect the last couple of weeks, so the activity is not enough to take off pounds yet. I have days where the food is perfect and days where the activity is good, but they haven't both happened together in a few days. I actually found myself tearing up on the way home because I want SO badly to be serious about this. I want to change. I want to be healthy. I have tried and failed so many times to make permanent changes. I don't want this to be another failure. I know it's all part of the journey, and the key is to keep going. I guess what I'm saying is I want to get my act together so it will start having positive effects. I need a little encouragement.
I plan on joining Jazzercise in the next couple of weeks or so. I should have money to join in a couple of weeks... I think. I think that will be good for me. Motivating and hopefully fun. And I think it will push me, ya know? I will have a pace to keep up with that is not determined by my tired ankles.
So that's where I am right now. I am hoping to have a loss to report this Friday. I ate too much for dinner tonight. Two pork tacos when one was plenty! It's because I was craving it. Sometimes when I spend time thinking about food, I plan the experience in advance, and then even if I'm full halfway through, I keep eating because that was my plan. It's terrible. I need to brake that way of thinking.
Salmon again tomorrow. And lots of veggies! I need to eat more veggies.