And The Verdict Is...

Just weighed in for this week.

I lost 3 pounds.

TAKE THAT BAGEL!

First Hard Day

It is day 13 of being back on Weight Watchers, and I had my first hard day. Here's what happened.

Thursday mornings always begin with a certain amount of "bad day" probability. I currently own one pair of jeans that fit well, though I don't love the color, one black skirt that fits well, one pair of black pants that are tight, but wearable with a long shirt and one pair of gray pants in that same category. We are allowed to wear jeans on Fridays, so that is 4 days a week that it is easy to find an outfit for work. Thursdays are not my strong point. While it is still cold outside, I have two options. A "springy" skirt that is full length, but would rock the low temperatures if I had a nice chunky white sweater. Also, a knee length black skirt that I can wear with black leggings. My black leggings are too small though. I can wear them, but all day I worry that they are falling down. However, the skirt and leggings have been my fifth option for the last several weeks.

This weekend I went hunting for a white sweater. I was not successful. I am sure that there are still sweaters out there, but I didn't find one at any of the stores I went to. I did, however, buy a long sleeve v-neck that I thought would work with the skirt. That was my plan for today. Well guess what? The shirt looked terrible with the skirt. I shouldn't have waited until this morning to try it out, but that is what I did.

So I was late to work on a day where the owner was working, and she has a way of making me feel nervous, even when there is no reason to be. She also brought bagels. Einstein Bros., chocolate chip bagels with honey almond cream cheese. My favorite.

All morning, the bagels were at the forefront of my mind. You couldn't smell the actual bagels, but you could smell the little cardboard house that the E Bros. bagels come in, so in our tiny little space behind the counter, the bagels had a presence, if you will, that was inescapable.

All morning I resisted. But then Michelle went to lunch. And then Christy went to lunch. And I was alone in the office. And I was hungry. And I decided that it was ridiculous to worry so much over a stupid circle of bread. So I got up and took half of a bagel. It was bagel perfection, and I didn't skip a beat before washing it down with the other half of the bagel.

It was a rough day. Driving home for lunch, I teared up, because I HATE when I feel like the food is in control of me, rather than me being in control of the food. When I'm not worrying about food, and eating what I want, it is so peaceful to not feel like the food is ruling me. But that is what I did for a year, and I gained a significant amount of weight. I just don't make healthy choices naturally. I eat too much. Of the good and the bad... too much.

So I'm feeling bad about all of this today. Guess what is my normal reaction to feeling bad about something? Eating. Eating something soft and chewy. Thinking only about the eating, not about what is making me feel bad. I know that the problem is still there when my plate is empty, but the eating is still an escape, however brief.

This always happens when I am trying to eat healthier. There comes a day when I need to escape, and I can no longer turn to the food. And the hurt, the frustration, is so tangible that it almost chokes me. And I am lonely without the food. I hate to admit that, but I feel it. Today was that day.

My day ended better than it started. It is almost 9:00. I am headed to switch some loads of laundry around and make some cookies for a work party tomorrow. I would have rather bought cookies than made them, but we had all the ingredients and no spare money to spend.

I hope everyone has a great Friday and a safe weekend.

Is This Normal?

Brett and I have been married almost 3 years now. Our third anniversary is in March. That is really weird to say. I can't believe it's been 3 years already. They've been great =-)

I'm sure everyone is like this. Right? I spend a lot, and I mean, a LOT of time every day wishing I were with Brett. When I am not with him, he is always on my mind. Today I daydreamed about taking him away. I never had a clear picture of where, but all I could think of as I drove back to work after my lunch break, was that I wanted to be with him. Just him. Somewhere quiet and peaceful.

I am realistic enough to know that I would never want to work with him. We are so different, in so many ways. I don't think we would share a work space very well. And on days when I do get the whole day with him, not every moment is paradise. But during the week, I always miss him a lot.

That's normal, right?

It sometimes gets me in trouble. The thing is, Brett's arms are the safest place in the world for me. So when things get rough for me at work, an angry parent or a situation with a child that is rough, I long for Brett's arms. To just be standing in his arms, safe in his embrace.

Do you see the problem yet? My sweet husband loves me to the moon and back, but he is not perfect. So when I walk through the doors at the end of the day wanting him to be Superman, and he has had his own long day, with angry co-workers or callers, and he just wants to be Clark Kent for a little while, it can be hard on me. And that's not fair for him.

Brett is not perfect. And he shouldn't have to be. We all know I'm not perfect! So God is teaching me to think of Him. To long for the Lord's embrace, rather than my sweet husband's. After all, Brett is a gift from God. Which should I love more, the gift or the giver?

Hope everyone's week is going well. =-)

A Week in the Life of...

I feel like blogging. And I want to be clever. But man, I'm tired!

I will try to keep this to the point. First things first. I made it through a week of Weight Watchers online. It was a pretty good week. I started last Saturday. Saturday and Sunday were good. Monday and Tuesday I was a little hungry. Wednesday, I wasn't hungry at all. Thursday I was STARVING! Friday I wasn't really hungry. Saturday I was relieved to weigh in and have a loss. This week, I am going to make sure to have more fruit around. In fact, I went to the store today and my fruit bowl is almost overflowing.

Friday was one of the craziest days I have had at work in a long time. It's way too long of a story to tell, but my day involved several firemen, a friendly policeman, one possible jaw fracture, one throwing up two year old and several holes in the schedule. We made it through, but I am praying that tomorrow brings more calm and more teachers!

Brett and I had a very nice date night yesterday =-) We haven't really had a date night in a while. And this was pretty simple, but sometimes dinner and a movie is just what the doctor ordered! And, we had a coupon for dinner and gift cards for the movie, so it was a total bargain! We saw The Iron Lady, and I enjoyed it. Brett didn't love the storytelling format, but I thought it worked. And the cast was great. I have always been a Jim Broadbent fan.

Also, we saw a trailer for the new Wes Anderson movie. He was my favorite director for a long time and I am really looking forward to his new flick.

I think that is all that I have to say tonight. Except for this shout out: Hey Jeff, I saw a stack of bags of Peat Moss outside of Wal-mart tonight. Totally thought of you! I wanted to take a picture and text it to you, but I was ready to be gone from Wal-mart.

It's The End of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

Once again, it has been more than a month since my last post. And honestly, I was hesitant to sit down and blog now. Life is... I don't know. More of the same, but so different.

Praise the Lord, we get wiser as we get older. Wisdom is merely learning from your experiences, so it makes sense that the older we get, the more wisdom we stock up. But Uncle Ben said it best: "With great wisdom comes great responsibility". That's not exactly what Uncle Ben said, but when I have that thought I hear it in his voice talking to Peter about power =-)

So. Older. 30, to be exact. I am thankful for SOOOOO many things in my life. I love my job. 2 years ago, I didn't know if I would ever be able to speak those words. My family is amazing. Everyone is healthy and well. My husband is an amazing man, and becoming more so every day. We both have friends, near and far, that enrich our lives in ways that we will never really be worthy of. We are abundantly blessed.

But I am human. A product of The Fall. Sinful in nature and forever ridiculous. I am not the heaviest I have ever been, but I'm not that far from it. It was the end of January 2011 that my eating got off track. And for most of a year, I did nothing to try and fix it. I wasted a year that I should have spent trying to better my health, and now am in the worst health I have ever experienced. I guess because I am 30, this amount of weight feels different than the last time. More dangerous. And I hate that I am in this place.

I have been working to get to a place mentally that will lead me to physical change. I don't really want to share all of my plans and goals because you've heard it all before. I guess it's a little different this time, and now that I'm typing, it's kind of hard to stop, so I'll say this: Yesterday I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I have always done in person meetings. I didn't think that online would be sufficient accountability for me. But now, online feels like the right tool. Firstly, because it is less than $20 a month, so the price is right for us right now. And secondly, because I couldn't imagine walking into that same meeting and seeing the same leader and her saying "welcome back" with a smile that feels sceptical to me, even if she means it sincerely.

I just joined yesterday and I'm having a lot of fun with the website.

So that covers the food portion of our program. Activity is still in the works. I know that I am going to start walking with Jage on Saturdays. We have a walking date set for next week. Walking has always been my go-to activity, because I enjoy it. But I have come to realize that when it is my only activity, I eventually dread it. I need variety. They say that the key to regular exercise is finding an activity that you enjoy. When I think about that I know what I want to do... dance! I have always been a big girl, but I love to dance. I can't help but move when I hear certain songs. There is a studio in Irving that offers adult dance classes, so I will probably check out that website, but for now, I think I am going to make a playlist and have a little "dance party" in my room once a week. We'll see.

Brett and I are also serious about getting our finances under control this year. We have found some wonderful financial software that helps us track and plan, and I am feeling the most optimistic that I ever have.

I hope to blog more. I'm thinking that being online everyday to track my points will bring me more opportunities to blog. I just don't use my computer like I used to.

I hope everyone's year is off to a good start!