Not Now Doesn't Mean Not Ever

That's what I keep finding myself saying. Ya know how I'm always saying I wish I had a small business? I wish I had a creative outlet... made some sort of craft that was useful and people would buy. Well my co-worker, who I love, has recently made this happen for herself. She is so excited, and I am so happy for her, but it's making me kind of sad too. I feel like I've wanted this for so long, and it seemed to happen so quickly for her. But she is six years older than me. It's okay if she has things more together than I do, right? And just because it's not happening now, that doesn't mean it will never happen, right?

That's what I keep telling myself.

And just because there are parts of me that aren't completely fulfilled, that doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I love my husband, my family is safe and healthy, and I enjoy my job. God has blessed me immensely. So I'm not complaining... just occasionally wanting.

By the way... guess who has had four days in a row of on track eating??? This girl! It's been so amazing. My sister, Laura has been helping me every day and it has made a huge difference. I am feeling better already and I am feeling a little more confident each day that I can keep this up. That I can do better! I'm planning a couple of good walks this weekend, and really looking forward to them.

Tomorrow is donut day at work. Not looking forward to that. I am absolutely not going to eat a donut, but they are going to really bother me. Stupid delicious donuts.

Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend! I hope to catch up on reading some blogs.

Two Interesting Thoughts of the Week

I've been saying to myself, quite a bit lately, that I am tired of money being so tight. We are paycheck to paycheck like never before, and it tends to ware on us. Of course, it is no one's fault but our own that we live like this, but it sure seems a WHOLE lot harder to get ahead than it is to fall behind. Using the credit card is easy. Painful, but easy. Paying it off is not easy.

But I was walking through the house this morning and was overtaken by an entirely different thought. I love this house! And if living here means money will be tight for the first year, that's okay. I would rather be here and pinching pennies than crammed in that apartment with cash to spend. It's not like I would be spending that cash on anything life saving. This week, if we had an extra 20 dollars, we would go on a hunt for LA Confidential and buy some ice cream cones. I'm pretty sure I'm going to survive without those two items.

Money is tight but that doesn't mean that life isn't good. It means that life is transitioning. We are adjusting. Eating cheaper meals and buying more off brands. In fact, today was our first major shopping trip at Aldi. If you've never heard of Aldi, you're not alone. They have only been in the US since the mid 70s and have only been in my hood for a year or so. But it is a cheaper way to shop. They limit the items that they carry so that you pay for "food, not frills". And most of the brands there are not things you have ever heard of. But it is all good quality items. Some people hate it, but today, it saved us a lot of money. We are still going to run to Kroger to get a few things that we couldn't get today, but I feel good about it.

So my point is, I'm going to stop complaining about being broke. This is just a stage in our life. And frankly, I think it's healthy that it is getting us into a "spend less" mindset. We need that.

The other interesting thing that happened this week is that I started my period yesterday... several days late. I went to work yesterday deciding that when I left I would either be buying tampons or a pregnancy test. It was Tuesday that I looked at the calendar and was surprised by my lack of "monthly cycle" as Brett likes to call it. And to my utter astonishment, my initial reaction to the thought that I might be pregnant, was absolutely thrilled. I actually shed a tear or two. I was so happy thinking that I might be carrying our first child. All day, every symptom that added to that suspicion made me smile.

The next day was another story. I got paid and our balance went from almost nothing, to a good amount, to almost nothing again after I paid some bills. We just can't afford a baby right now. But a month and a half after turning 30 and admitting to myself that I wasn't ready for a baby, and being worried that at my age, if I'm not ready now, then I don't know if I ever will be, God has changed my heart and I know now that a baby (or two) is what I want. So we aren't ready, but it is absolutely time to get ready.

On that line of thinking, there are two major things that need to happen. I need to get back to a healthier lifestyle of good food and exercise, and we need to trim our debt. We have been thinking and talking about both of these things. We have made serious progress towards getting into a spend less, pay off debt, and save mindset. Now it is time to start moving my big butt.

I'm feeling really good about all of this. Today is one of those days that God's blessings feel so humbling and overwhelming. I am so in love with my husband, and positive change seems not only possible, but just around the corner. Maybe I will go for a walk tomorrow =-)

I'm off to get ready for Nikki's wedding! Hope you are having a great weekend!

The Nikki Chapter

I have had many roommates over the years. Actually, I was born with a roommate. My sister, Melanie, and I shared a room until I was a sophomore in high school. I can't remember how old we were when we started wishing we had our own room, but we kept wishing for a long time before it happened. After Melanie came my college roommates. There were five in all, and I loved every one! Three of them are still a part of my life. After college I lived with my best friend from high school for about nine months. Then I lived on my own for a year. Then I lived with Jennifer for a year. Then I lived with Nikki.

Nikki is younger than me. She is actually the age of my youngest sister, Jenna, and they grew up in church together, though were never very close. Nikki and I became close when we began working with the youth group at our church. We were camp counselors together, share group leaders together, and then worked in the middle school choir together. I found myself needing a new roommate at the same time that her mother was getting married and moving away. Nikki still lived with her mom, and her mom, who was moving to Houston after her wedding, was wanting Nikki to stay in the house so she wouldn't have to sell it. Nikki and I were easy friends, so we reasoned that we would be easy roommates, and it couldn't have been more true. She is laid back and easy going. Actually we are both like that... we don't really care what other people do, but we would prefer to be in control of our own lives.

I was a year into my relationship with Brett when I moved in with Nikki. Six months later, Brett and I were serious about saving money for a wedding so I ended up moving back home with my parents so I wouldn't have rent to pay. It was a huge blessing and definitely the right thing to do, but Nikki and I have never managed to see each other regularly since we ceased being roommates. We get together for coffee probably once a season, and it is always as if only days have passed since we've spoken. I love it.

The most interesting thing that marks the time that I lived with Nikki is that she became ill. Almost immediately after I moved in, she started displaying symptoms that she was unfortunately familiar with. Her mom is a long time diabetic so when Nikki started having an unquenchable thirst and bathroom issues and dizziness, she knew what it meant. Sure enough, the doctors told her she had developed diabetes. But as they started treating her, and her systems continued to build, they started to run more tests. The tests lasted a long time but eventually they told her that she had an immune disease. It was affecting her liver at the time, and it didn't stop there. The worst part of this news was that they told her that she most likely had 5 years to live. Her particular illness could be treated, but not cured, and she was worsening rapidly.

I can't begin to tell you what news like this did to her. I'm not even going to try. Nikki has always been a special girl. 5 feet tall if she stands on her toes, but full of life and energy. A sarcastic, joyful, loving girl who had never had a boyfriend and told herself and others that she liked it that way. But being alone probably takes on a different meaning when you are told that you are dying. For this reason, and because she had too much love to keep to just one person, everyone in her life was thrilled when Danny came along.

Danny is a giant. He would probably have to duck to walk into this room without hitting his head. He looks like he could carry Nikki as a backpack. And tomorrow they are getting married =-)

I just got home from the rehearsal. I am in the house party so I helped set up tonight and will be serving refreshments tomorrow. I am so happy. Happy that Nikki is healthy, at least in appearance, despite what her doctors predicted. Happy that she is experiencing a major milestone in life that she thought would never come. And happy that even if her doctors predictions were to suddenly come true next week, Nikki would have a partner to share her load.

Nikki is definitely a chapter in the life of Kim. She wasn't a huge chapter, but she was a special one. I love her so much and am looking forward to seeing her sparkle tomorrow!

The Volkswagen Lady

So, just up the street from our house, there is a small group of town homes (I think that's what they are) and outside there is always parked 2 old Volkswagen Beetles and a Volkswagen van. I love these vehicles. Every time I drive past them I wonder about the owners. I picture a long haired older man who has frequent flashbacks of the 60s. Actually, I picture Leo (Chong) from That 70s Show. I never spend much time pondering him, but it always crosses my mind.

Well tonight, I was SO excited to see the van pull into Kroger just as I did. I am happy to say that Leo didn't get out of the van, but this girl who looked exactly like I would want her to look like! A total free spirit. Like she belongs in a much more hip town. She is probably in her late 20s and she had a little girl who was maybe 2 years old with her. Both had curly red hair. Mom's was pulled up in a bun. She had a beautiful tattoo on her arm that I didn't get a great look at, because I didn't want to stare, but it was very colorful and made me think of a bird. Her skirt and tank top both looked vintage and cool and I was so happy to see that was so! If I had been walking next to her in the store instead of passing her, I would have looked in her basket. I would expect to see lots of produce, some hummus and pita chips. And if I asked her where she works, I would want her to say either a) a bookstore, b) a coffee shop, or c) as a free-lance fresco painter.

Just thought I'd share =-)

This Marriage Thing

Somedays it's as easy as breathing. Being Brett's wife is so obviously what was meant for my life, I can look back on it and see how all of my steps were leading me here. Saturdays are the best. Waking up late and staying in bed even later. Wishing we could spend the whole day in bed but then deciding we are too hungry to linger any longer, so we get up to go find hashbrowns somewhere - Waffle House if he whines more and IHOP or Denny's if I whine more. Some days marriage is easy.

Other days it's like trying to breath in the wave pool at Wet 'N Wild. So many things are crashing down around you that you're not sure which end is the deep end and which end gets you out. And moments come when you feel like you are balanced enough to stay above water for a bit, but then a wave that is much bigger up close than it looked from afar comes and knocks you down, and you stay down for a while.

I love Brett, and I would spend a lifetime in the wave pool with him if my other choice was being on dry land without him. But we sure could use a few days above water. There have been too many waves lately.

God is good and I trust in Him completely. I know that He will see us through. Just wanted to sit and sigh for a bit.

The Lost Blog, Plus One

I couldn't believe it last night when my blog didn't post. I FINALLY posted, and I was hoping for it to be therapeutic... get some things off my chest. But if the blog doesn't post, it's not OFF my chest! It's all still there! Ugh!

A few highlights from yesterdays blog: I made a collage of my mom this weekend. I have five 11x14 frames that I bought from a dollar store a few years ago and completely forgot about. Well I have been feeling crafty, so I decided to make some collages. I did one a month or so ago of my sisters and I. The mom collage is a couple of pictures that my grandmother gave me when I helped her move several years ago. She is probably 6 in one and 16 in the other. I love them. Not sure what I will do with the other three frames, but I have some new paper that I am itching to use.

Last week was a rough one. Summer is tough in the office at school. And last week was crazy because it was summer for us, but the last week of the year for public school. This made several complications for us that aren't worth getting into here. But I was relieved when the week was over. And in addition to the crazy work week, my allergies were going crazy, and Brett and I had a... I don't know what to call it. Ya know, one of those conversations that comes along once in a while that are ultimately good for the relationship because they inspire positive change, but at the time are incredibly difficult for one or both of the members to hear. I'm honesty still feeling a little tender.

It's hard to say why my weekend was a hard one. I was exhausted last Friday. I mean physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I had nothing left. I can't remember what we did Friday night, but I have no doubt it was low key. Saturday morning I slept pretty late. I needed to just be in bed. And Saturday and Sunday were okay. But last night I ate too much at dinner and it really messed me up. I am incredibly unhappy with my choices lately where food is involved. I finally have a wardrobe that I am happy with but I am not happy with my size. Poor clothes... they deserve a cuter owner. I'm embarrassed by how I look and too many times in the last month I have eaten until I felt sick. That shouldn't happen ever and it is an extremely bad sign for me. I used to live like that every day and I am terrified to be that person again. But I sit here right now typing and I can't begin to tell you how badly I want some ice cream. Real bad. Not good. Sigh.

I want to make better choices. I sincerely do. And I am desperately hoping that when we get paid this week, we will have money to spend some extra money on groceries. For me, the key to making good food choices is having good choices available. Food that is healthy but tastes good and is comforting in a healthy way.

The highlight of my weekend was, without a doubt, Sunday lunch where we found out my sister is having a boy =-) She had a gender party. Her sonogram was Thursday. The sonogram technician kept the screen facing away from Mel and JD and she called the bakery and told them the sex of the baby. Then the baker made a double layer cake and inside the cake, there was icing between the two layers. Pink for girl, blue for boy. Our cake was blue for boy =-) It's the first boy in the family so Melanie is nervous, but we are all so excited. My dad's first grandson!!!

Today was not really better. Work was so hard. I mean, so hard. It felt like my first summer all over again. There is just SO much going on and I feel very uniformed, but I feel like I am expected to understand and know what is going on. It's not a comfortable spot to be in. But I am determined to go in with a good attitude tomorrow. I can't spend the summer like this.

I hope all of my teacher friends had a great first day of summer. I would love your prayers... I am in need of deliverance. From my attitude, my sorrows and my sins. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow!

This blog better publish!

Sometimes I Wish I Were A Bear...

To be able to go into hibernation and just take a break from life for a while. And even better, to binge bigtime before doing so, and wake up a lot lighter! Ha!

okay... I just wrote a big long blog and it errored out when I went to publish it. I'm too tired to spill my heart out again. Darn it!

Guess I'll talk to you next week.