haha

I woke up feeling better. And then was immediately reminded that I can't do anything right. Ha! It's a good reminder to have. I don't want to think FOR A MINUTE that I can do better on my own because on my own I am nothing. I have to CONTINUALLY, humbly, cry out to Jesus.

And also, I love my husband. I forgot to mention it yesterday... when I got home from class, he had cleaned the apartment =-) He loves me. =-)

Every Ending is Another Beginning...

Or so they say.

Today was my last class. Well, sort of. I have a make up class next Saturday and ten or so online classes left to do. But the end is in sight. It feels good to make it through the program. It will feel better to make it to a new job. This week has been really wonderful in that I saw glimpses of myself where I want to be. I envisioned a classroom where I can belong. Where I can teach and help young people to grow. I've learned so much over the last few months. I know there is an infinite amount left to learn, but I enjoy learning. Some kinds of changes are good... changes that come from new knowledge that helps you to grow and evolve.

So that's good. Movement. Growth.

On the other hand... I feel so... numb? No, not numb. I feel so lost.

I was thinking about addiction the other day. Living with addiction is like being stranded in the ocean. No land for miles and miles and miles. Further than you can swim. Nothing to support you. You just float on your back and hope that you can survive long enough to somehow get out of the water. And sometimes, when the water is smooth and the weather is clear, the floating isn't so bad. It can almost seem peaceful, and your life can seem beautiful. But then a storm comes. The waters get rough. The waves pull you under, deeper and deeper, and you're never quite sure that you will be able to resurface. I mean, you always have in the past, so you assume that you will make it through. If you can wait it out. Just keep kicking. And breathing. One breath at a time. But the thought is always in your mind that the next wave may be the one to finish you. And, to every addict, there are times when that thought is appealing.

What is wrong with me? How can I hate, so completely, the choices that I make, but continue to make them over and over? I know that this lifestyle will kill me. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. I can't live like this. My husband deserves better. My family loves me. They want to keep me around. And Jesus. Sweet Jesus. Always with me. Whether I am safe on solid ground or floating in an ocean. I am never alone.

Do songs ever speak to you? Of course they do. Music speaks to everyone. It's funny how you can find meaning in the smallest things when you are searching for hope. I heard a song a couple of weeks ago that really comforted me. I've heard it before, just had never noticed this line before. Good ole Third Day. They rock my socks. A few lines from "Cry Out To Jesus":

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Tomorrow is the last day of February. That means Monday is a new month. I could use a fresh start. As every Weight Watcher knows, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail". I think that I need to do some planning. Life is way too crazy for me right now to just expect to have time to figure things out along the way. If I'm too tired to make the extra effort, I will take the easy choice every time. But if I can plan ahead and get all of the thinking out of the way, I can be tired and still make good choices. Theoretically. Right?

It was a beautiful day today. Walking weather. That's a good sign.

Brett is feeling much better today. Thank you to all of you who have been praying.

Okay. Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

Today was so much better. I only stayed for the first 4 periods, but it was a completely different experience! I got to interact with the students a lot more and I feel like I saw a better picture of how the class could be. I guess yesterday, being my first day, just had everyone a little excited...

Of course, if I don't pass the test, it doesn't matter. When I checked the mail, there was a giant envelope! I thought they were here! No such luck though. It was insurance stuff...

On another note, I had a little play money today so I decided to go clothes shopping. I know I have several months in front of me to slowly build a new teacher appropriate wardrobe. But if I, for some reason, got called for an interview tomorrow, I would have anything to wear. I need a suit. Well I checked Ross first, because I try to be frugal (and I find cute stuff there a lot!) but didn't really have any luck. I tried on a suit that was super cute but a little too big. I almost got in anyway because it was only $20.00, but I decided to find something that fit better. Chances are I won't be called for an interview anytime in the next month, so I've got time to look. After that I decided to check Steinmart. It was only my second time in the store, and the whole trip lasted about two minutes. Not everything was terrible, but it wasn't at all what I was going for today. So since that trip was so short I decided to head back across the street. As a teen/young adult, I was always embarrassed to try this store because, well, it has the word "barn" in it. That's right. I tried The Dress Barn. And guess what? Jackpot!

I couldn't afford an outfit today, but they sell suit separates and the suit pants were seriously flattering on me! A little long, but my mom can fix that. Everything was a little more expensive than I would have preferred, but there were a lot of nice things. So I didn't get clothes, but now I know where to look for them! Actually, I bought a shirt that was onsale to wear to our friends birthday dinner tonight, but that's it. I used the rest of my play money for a much needed eye brow wax. Are we talkin' fun, or are we talkin' fun! Sheesh!

I just got home and Brett is napping. I should go join him, but I'm going to play a round of Spider Solitaire first. Good times!

Day Four of Vacation

Interesting. Very interesting.

I think I may prefer elementary school after all. And I'm not sure I would enjoy teaching art as much as I enjoy TAKING art. You just don't get to interact with the kids all that much... I got a little bored.

It's early, I'm REALLY tired and I've got a lot on my mind, so don't hold me to anything I say in this post. I'm just thinking out loud. There's a lot to think about.

I'm observing with my former middle school art teacher. I was a good student and her son was one of my best friends, so she is being incredibly supportive and encouraging. But... her style of teaching is very different from what mine would be. So that may be why I'm feeling so unsure.

I know this. I'm very thankful that I decided to go for elementary. And now, if I do end up not passing the art test, I will know that it's not the end of the world, and is probably what's best for now.

I have no idea what to do about work. I have a lot to do when I get back next week. My boss texted me yesterday to say that I was officially swamped and my desk looks like "crapolla". So next week I'm going to work hard and catch up. After that... still praying about what to do.

On a fun note, we went to dinner at my sister's house last night and it was so much fun! Her husband, my favorite (and only ;-) brother-in-law, JD, was running an errand so Brett got to do the grilling! We're not all that familiar with gas grills, but once we got it going it was smooth sailing! It was fun to talk to JD... he has an interview today for a position at his job that would be SO exciting! It's the position that they plan on promoting him too eventually, but a spot suddenly opened now and they're giving him a shot at it. Woohoo! And it's always so so good to see my niece, Madilyn. She just lost her first tooth! And she has a kitten that is so sweet. Brett is severely allergic to cats, and I have to be really careful around them too. If I touch my eyes after touching a cat, it's all over. But I held him for a while last night and did just fine. A little itchy nose on the way home, but nothing that I won't survive!

We picked up frozen yogurt on the way home and relaxed on the couch. It was so nice. I fell asleep too fast... what a party pooper! What can I say? I'm tired!

Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Day Three of Vacation

hahahaha... Kirk. I knew that. My bad.

Moving on.

Today was so interesting! I observed in a 2nd grade classroom taught by my dear friend, Kasey, who I went to high school with. What a great grade to teach! The kids are independent (they can read and write) but still respectful and eager to please the teacher. Nice! And Kasey was so natural! Firm but not at all mean!

First let me say, times have changed! The three biggest changes I noticed all came right in a row, first thing in the morning. The first thing the kids do in the morning is eat breakfast! Provided by the school! The state of Texas decided that students coming to school hungry wasn't working. In my classes, they have said a few times "when we recognize a need in a student, we are legally obligated to try to meet that need". For students who come to school hungry because they didn't have breakfast, and in some cases dinner (so many children only eat at school...) learning was impossible. At least learning before lunch. So in Texas, every elementary student is entitled to a free breakfast. (I'll let you know tomorrow if they do the same thing in middle schools!) Today it was some type of breakfast sandwich, a juice box and chocolate milk. I think that's awesome! Change number two came in the form of video announcements. Every classroom has a projector installed in the ceiling and when the bell rings, there are 15 minutes of announcements. So cool! The most impressive announcement, in my opinion, was the fact that the school had parenting classes going on today. Yeah! You heard me! Not only does this school feed the children before they ask them to learn, they offer assistance to parents who need help learning the ropes. How great is that? The part of the announcements that made me giggle was realizing that I don't know the pledge to the Texas flag. I thought that I did. I don't. haha. I know part of it. I mumbled the rest.

I've forgotten what I was going to say the third change was... I'm a little tired. Hehe.

It was so neat to see the processes that I've been learning about put into practice. When I was studying for the EC-6 test, there was a LOT of content about English Language Learners and how to handle them in your classes. Kasey's first assignment today for her class was a writing assignment. All of the students gathered around her and they made a list of famous Americans that they have studied this year. She wrote every name down on a large flip chart at the front of the room so the students could see how to spell the names. Then she told them each to write a paragraph about what they know about one of these people. (The funniest line from the day came from this activity. They were listing a lot of historical figures like Martin Luther King, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. One student asked if they could write about Michael Jackson. And then someone mentioned that MJ died last year and one student jumped up and said "A doctor killed him!" and another student said "I thought he was shot" and the first student said "Yeah, a doctor shot him!". Oh dear. How that made me laugh! He was so serious, and everyone totally believed him!) Anyway, while the students were writing their paragraph, Kasey told me that she has 5 ELLs in her class and they are required to write 5 short papers to monitor their progression of language comprehension. Kasey didn't want to make just those 5 students do an activity that no one else had to do, so she has been incorporating the writing assignments into other subject areas, like social studies today. How great is that?!

I also got to see a lot of examples of behavior modification. I thought her class was really well behaved! Kasey spent a good deal of time quieting them down, but not because they were misbehaving really, more like they were excited! She used lots of cues that we have talked about in class... she has visual cues like putting her finger over her lips and making eye contact to quiet a particular student down. When the whole class needs quieting she either says "Give me five" and each student holds up five fingers and looks at her for instructions, or she says "Clap once", and they all clap once and then "Clap twice", and they all clap twice. These are procedures put in place at the beginning of the year, and now when Kasey uses those cues, the students know exactly what to do and what is expected of them.

We have also talked about, in my classes, the fact that students want structure. They want to know what is expected of them so they can succeed. I totally saw an example of that today. During a reading activity, the class followed along as they listened to a story being read. And then afterwards, Kasey told them that she was going to give them 3 sticky notes, and she wanted them to write down three facts from the story. When she handed out the sticky notes, she just tore off small stacks, and the kids who didn't have 3 sticky notes flipped out! "I've got 4! I've got 5! What do I do?" Something was a little different from what they expected and, for the smallest minute, they panicked. Kasey was quick to tell them not to worry about it and if they wanted to write down extra facts, that was okay as long as they only had one fact per sticky note. It was smooth sailing after that.

All day there were connections like that! I saw so many examples of what I have been studying.

Two random things I learned today:

1. Pencils = Chaos.

I understand that students need to be able to erase, but pencils are unfortunately fragile!

2. Kids sneeze a lot. A lot.

She had one student who was a pencil breaker. When Kasey wasn't looking he would push his pencil against the bottom of his desk until the lead broke so he could get up and sharpen his pencil. She had a singer who really belted it out at the end of the day! I think it was a made up song, but boy oh boy! Was she into it! There was also a spinner. When the class had to line up for something, this girl would run to the end of the line so she could spin until the line started to move. Cute =-)

It was a really neat day. I am glad that I got to see this school because it was great! And I'm glad that I got to see 2nd grade. I didn't realize this, but Kasey wasn't the only teacher I knew at this school. There were a few others. That was nice!

Tomorrow, middle school art! Woohoo! We are going to have dinner at Mel's house tomorrow night and then we have a birthday dinner to attend on Friday night. I have class all day Saturday. Sooo... it's possible that I won't get around to any online classes until Sunday. No bueno. But not a disaster either. I have all next week to work on them. I was just hoping to get them done over vacation.

Still no test results =-(

Day Two of Vacation

Guess what movie I love? Star Trek. The one from this Summer. It's so stinkin' good! When we bought the Blu Ray it came with a digital copy, so I loaded it on my computer and it's my current movie of choice to watch/listen to in the background if I'm going to be on my computer for a while. Right now old Spock is showing young Kurt how Nero is jackin' with history. Love it!

Guess what movie I don't love? Up In The Air. The current George Clooney flick. I went to see it today. I was only sort of interested in it, but I have a friend who was eager to see it, and I was curious to see Anna Kendrick (Jessica from Twilight) in another role. It was either that or It's Complicated. I chose wrong. This movie was depressing! The trailer was NOT specific enough. I knew that George Clooney was a businessman who spent a lot of time traveling. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I had no idea his "business" was flying around the country firing people. Yeah. He plays a guy who is hired by big companies to deliver large layoffs. It was totally depressing! Thank goodness I went by myself! If I were with Brett we would have walked out.

I wanted to get out of the house a bit today. I thought it might clear my head. Maybe if I'd gone for It's Complicated and had a few laughs, that would have worked. But no luck... I'm feeling seriously inadequate. I hope that I'm not kidding myself here. Trying to make changes. Make a better life...

Today I also did not:

- Do my taxes.

- Clean the apartment.

- Do any online classes.

What a flake.

I start my observation tomorrow! I'll let you know how it goes!

Beautiful Blogger

I should have done this weeks ago! Here it is:

I think that I am supposed to say 7 things about myself that you may not know and then award 7 other Beautiful Bloggers! If those aren't the rules, sorry... I'm a rebel! And if you have already been given the award and I repeat, sorry again... you're just too darn cute to ignore!

Random Fact #1: I grew up singing. It's funny that now, as an adult, art is such a big part of my life because growing up, it was all about the music. My sisters and I grew up singing songs with my dad in church. Random songs about virtues... we sang a Sandi Patty song here and there and I remember singing "The Preacher and the Bear", though I can't remember much of it now. I was pretty decent for my age... even voted Most Talented at the end of our senior year. But I wasn't good enough to major in it. When I went to college I was in the choir as a freshman, but I was one of only 5 or so non music majors in a group of 150. I wasn't exactly welcome. So after that it was just church choir for me.

Random Fact #2: My first job was my best. I worked in a sandwich shop my sophomore, junior and senior year in high school. But not just any sandwich shop. The BEST sandwich shop in town! haha... I guess it was a little known secret because we didn't get much business, and soon after I left they were forced out by a Subway. (I boycotted Subway for years after that.) But we made pita sandwiches and it was the best, tastiest sandwich I've ever had. Totally simple, but good quality ingredients that would blow your mind! I got my best friend, Jeff T., a job there. And then we got a few other friends jobs there. It was greatness. Those memories are some of my best. Jeff T. went to college in Seattle and we don't talk anymore. I send him birthday texts which he usually ignores. Such is life.

Random Fact #3: I sleep with a teddy bear. This is weird, even to me. I'm not sure why. It didn't even strike me as odd until recently... It's not a toy that I've had since I was a baby and don't want to give up. I got it five years ago on a mission trip. I went with the middle school choir at our church as a sponsor. There was a girl there who I had become very close to over the year and she was moving to Houston a few weeks into the summer. She had the bear on the trip, and when it was over, she gave it to me so I wouldn't forget her. After she moved, I mailed her one of my teddy bears. Since then, it's always come to bed with me, and I got used to sleeping with it under my back. It's amazing the amount of support that little thing can provide! But that kind of leads me to my next random fact...

Random Fact #4: Sometimes I forget I'm grown up. I still find myself thinking a lot "when I grow up...". I forget that I am an adult. I'm not sure why... is it because I don't really get treated with respect at work? I started there when I was 21 (just a kid, in my book) and now that I am 28, they still treat me the same. Maybe because I am so much younger than everyone else. Or maybe I feel like a kid I feel insecure so often. Or is it the fact that I still live in my home town?I don't know what it would take to feel grown up though. I got married. Maybe moving? Or buying a home? Or becoming a parent? Or just leaving that job? Those are all things that sound very scary to me. I can't imagine they would make me feel brave...

Random Fact #5: I speak in movie quotes. Mostly to myself. Just a few random quotes that stick in my head. Like anytime I mess something up I say "I had a little trouble in tinting class". Or when I'm pointing something out I say "For example. Occulous Reparo." And when I am feeling hopeful I say "It's Rex Manning Day". My sisters and I used to play a game where one of us would say "What movie?" And then throw out a line from a movie. I loved that game. Laura, the funny one, never took it too seriously though. She would always say something that would give it away like "We have to Free Willy!" or (talking like Geppetto) "Pinocchio!" Also some of my best memories...

Random Fact #6: I love color. I mean really. It touches me. I don't really know how to expand on this point... but it's a part of who I am. Fall is my favorite time of year because I'm blown away by the colors in the trees.

Random Fact #7: I haven't travelled much, but I'd like to. There are so many places I'd like to see. But right now, if someone said that I could choose 5 places to visit, and they would be the only places I'd ever get to go, I would pick Disney World, New York, Hawaii, Italy and... man. It's hard to choose. Either Paris or New Zealand.

Okay, those are my facts. Are you bored yet? Sorry!

Here are 7 beautiful blogs that I'd like to award!

Jennifer - One of my besties!

Marie - One of Brett's besties from college who I totally stole and is now one of my besties!

Jeff - One of my oldest and best friends. We've been friends for 28 years =-)

Jennifer - A really awesome Dallas blogger who encourages me constantly!

Krista - One of my college roomies and totally a bestie!

Kerry - The coolest craft blog I've found.

Rick - My Pops!

Peace out playas! (Also a movie line that I use ALL the time!)

Day One of Vacation

It's Monday afternoon. I just finished eating lunch after spending the morning at the dealership having an oil change/coolant flush. I'm not a fan of car repairs of ANY kind, but I'm so thankful that we can afford the maintenance to keep my car healthy. Of course now we are pretty much broke until the next pay day, but thankfully, that is only a few days away. We hope to be replacing Brett's car with something new and shiny in the next few months. Goo goo g'joob baby! (I had to look up how to spell that. Ha! Thanks Google!)

So. Once again, my head is totally full. This is the problem with not having time to blog. I walk around each day with the serious possibility that my head could explode at any moment because it is WAY too full! And of course, now that I have time to blog, there is so much to say, I'm not sure where to start.

Originally, when I decided to take the plunge and really go for it with trying to become a teacher, I wanted to spend this semester substitute teaching. It would give me classroom experience, which would make me more marketable, and also let me start learning the ropes of a school. I know that being a sub is COMPLETELY different than being a teacher, but right now, I am pretty much clueless about the goings on of a modern day public school. I've been out of high school for eleven years. I could use a refresher! The thing is, subs make $75 a day. I don't make a TON of money at my job, but I make more than $75 a day. We've been married less than a year, and when we first started talking about this, we'd only been married a few months. The thought of taking such a significant pay-cut really wasn't something we thought was possible. So I signed up for the classes and took the tests (STILL haven't gotten my art test results... it's killing me!) and I told myself that I would do my best and if I didn't get a teaching job for the next school year, THEN I would substitute teach and get a part time job until I was hired on as an actual teacher somewhere.

Well this past Saturday, I didn't have class, but my Alternative Certification Program had it's quarterly "How To Get A Job" seminar. They bring in someone who works in HR for a Texas school district to give us tips on how to get hired. This guy was from a school district near Houston that is the #3 district in the state, as far as test results and graduation rates and all that goes. He was very straight forward and very blunt and I learned a lot. His first slide said "Is it possible to get hired after completing an ACP?" This is a question that we all ask ourselves. Obviously, there are pros and cons when you look at traditional applicants and ACP applicants. I did not major in education, so I did not spend 3 years learning about theories and practices of education and a year student teaching. BUT, I'm also not 22 and fresh out of college. I have a lot to learn, but I also have a lot to offer. He answered this question by saying, it is going to vary everywhere you go. More than anything, the thing that determines whether or not a principal will hire an ACP applicant is the experience he or she has had previously with other ACP applicants. This HR guy knows principals who refuse to consider someone without an education degree, but he also knows principals who love ACP candidates because they are eager and enthusiastic. He said to remember not to take anything too personally because there are a lot of factors outside of your control that determine whether or not you are hired. So that was good to hear.

The next thing he talked about was that the most important thing to talk about on your resume is the experience you have with children. And he said if you don't have any, get some. I've had a lot of experience throughout my life, but they are mostly church related experiences, and the most recent one was a few years ago. The more he talked, the more I started thinking to myself "I should be subbing". As I listened, that thought evolved. I thought to myself, "Ya know, the plan was, if I don't get a job teaching next year then I will sub and work part time somewhere. Why can't I do that now?" And then I thought about how tough things would be if I were spending my days at school and my nights at some part time job (I always imagine myself at Barnes N Noble) and bringing home a lot less money than I do right now. And then I thought "Wait a minute!!! Why can't I work part time at MY job???" Here's what I'm thinking. I could sub three days a week and then work it out somehow to work 30 hours a week at my job. The money that I make subbing would probably equal the 10 hours that I am missing at work. And this way, when school is out, I can go back to working full time at my job for the summer. What do you think?

It's a lot to think about. My current job won't be happy. But I have been thinking and praying for God to show me when and how to let them know what I am doing. Our big project at work, which I am the lead designer on, is for some schools. I think I've mentioned this before... we do football programs for 7 or so schools. It takes all summer, it's a TON of work, and I do most of it. The project isn't over until football season is over. That's like, November, for most schools. If I get a teaching job, it's obviously going to interfere with the programs. I've been so torn... how can I just leave them in the middle of all that without out warning them upfront that that was my plan? But is telling them that I am planning to leave in the middle of it going to completely sacrifice my job security? How can I endanger my family in that way? I feel like they need me at work, so they wouldn't let me go until I absolutely had to leave. But what if a week after I let them know I am leaving eventually, they find the perfect replacement?

Seriously... I've been so torn on what to do.

But I think this might be a better solution. Some of the schools we do only football programs for, but some of the schools we do several different sports programs for, including drill team. We make programs for the drill team spring shows. They aren't as big as the football programs, but they are still a good sized project. The drill team programs are being turned in today and tomorrow, while I am on vacation. The pictures are going to be scanned while I am out and I will start working on them next Monday. That's the plan. So there is a need for me in my office right now. If I sub for the next three months, it would be a decent amount of time to get my feet good and wet. I would meet some people and learn some things and feel a lot more confident when interviews start in a couple of months.

I'm not sure what the best thing to do is, but I'm going to spend this week thinking and praying about it. Can you tell I'm a little freaked out? I know that God is in control and I want to honor him in EVERY way. I have been praying Proverbs 3:5-6 a lot lately. It says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I have been reminding God that He promised to guide me if I trust Him completely, and I have been promising to lean on my Him every step of the way. I'm incredibly blessed to have a husband who supports me. But I am weakened by fear... I pray that my fear doesn't outweigh my faith...

I have lots more to say, of course, so hopefully I will make time to blog the rest of the week. I've TOTALLY found the perfect place to walk. I am kind of wanting to try it out this evening, but it's pretty chilly outside. Brett may not approve. hehe! I also had a totally cheesy, but possibly fun idea for a little vacation adventure that would only cost $5. We'll see if I can talk him into it.

Chance of snow again tomorrow. Blah. I want the weather to get better so I can FINALLY wash my poor car!

Hope everyone's week is starting well! I'd like to say I'm off to read your blogs, but I'm going to play a hand of my new favorite Solitaire game. It usually turns into several hands... =-)

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 2.19.10

Homer: We're goin bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.

Pucker Up And Kiss It, Whoville!

HR finally talked to Brett today. It was not a pleasant hour and a half, but he is nowhere near fired, and everything is out in the open now. My baby is strong and he defended himself well against the flimsy accusations that were made against him. I am proud of him! And I'm so glad that that situation was resolved (or at least addressed) before our vacation.

Have I mentioned our vacation? It's a staycation actually, but I am thrilled! We wanted to take a week off around our anniversary, originally hoping that we would have a little money set aside for a small trip. Well, life happens, and according to our bank account, now isn't the best time for a trip. But we have been so busy lately, I am really looking forward to a week at home. We both work tomorrow, but we are both off all of next week and Brett is off the following Monday and Tuesday as well.

I will be doing my classroom observation during the week. One day with my friend who teaches third grade and two days with my middle school art teacher. I'm also thinking about trying to add another day observing my friend who is the librarian (that word does not even come close to describing the awesomeness of her position, but tonight, it's all I got) at a school in town, but I am not sure about that one yet. Monday I need to get my car worked on, so that will take up a large chunk of my day. We'll see how it goes. Either way, I'll be home early every day and spending the evenings with my husband who I love!

I plan on completing all of my online classes next week as well. Between that, my observation and taking care of my car, I think it's going to be a very productive 5 days. I have a seminar this Saturday from 9-12 in Dallas and my second to last class next Saturday. I wish that I had a day or two to sleep in... but how can I complain??? It's better than being at work!

I also plan on catching up on some blogging. I'm a few days behind reading and I have been meaning to post the "Beautiful Blogger" award for weeks now! Farmgirl, who rocks my socks, nominated me! Woohoo! I'm ready for bed, I just wanted to update those of you who have been waiting along with us to find out what was going on at work with Brett.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Friday! Hopefully, you'll be hearing more from me next week =-)

Michael Scott Words of Wisdom - 11

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised."

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 2.16.10

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Michael Scott Words of Wisdom - 10

I am like Bette Midler in For The Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained.

Feeling Guilty

Brett thinks I am a first class wife. He is incredibly generous with his words. Always has been. He loves to tell me that I am beautiful or kind or that he loves me. He also loves to tell me that I am a good wife, and he genuinely believes this to be true. Sometimes he makes this comment when he feels he has somehow failed me as a husband, whether it be by forgetting to ask me how my day was (hardly ever happens!), or staying up for hours after I've gone to bed to play a game (who doesn't want to stay up and play sometimes???) or leaving his dirty socks on the floor (I couldn't care less... I'm not afraid of dirty socks). And when that happens, I always make sure that I tell him I think he is a wonderful husband, and I try to give an example or two of why, and I remind him that I'm not perfect either! I fail him regularly, I'm sure!

Case in point: this morning.

Here is something you might not know about me. I'm not a morning person. Saturdays are different. On a day when I get to sleep in as late as I want to and I don't have demands waiting in line to demand my attention, I'm all kinds of pleasant when I wake up! (It's been weeks and weeks since I've been able to sleep in on a Saturday, but you know what I mean.) But during the week? Not so much. I don't like to get up at 6:15 in the morning when I would MUCH rather be in my warm, comfortable bed next to my sweet, quietly snoring husband. So when I do get up, I'm grumpy. Not in a throw things around kind of way. In a quiet kind of way. I'm very quiet in the mornings. If I'd rather be in bed, I'm usually not chatty.

Brett handles mornings much better than I do. Maybe because he doesn't mind getting up and starting his day, or maybe because he just wants to start his day with me.

I'm such a jerk.

Yesterday was his last day with his class. Finally. He made it. He survived. What will happen today, we have no idea, but at least he was given another day to keep going! So because it was his last day, and he didn't get lunch, so I knew he would be starving when he got home, but because he wasn't working late dinner probably wouldn't be ready, I asked if he wanted to go to dinner to celebrate. His mom gave us a Valentine's card with some money in it, so we had dinner money to eat out with. He said yes. We were both hungry enough that we had trouble deciding where to go, so we ended up trying something new. It's a restaurant that two friends have suggested to me. They both recommended the same dish, but unfortunately, Brett and I both ordered something other than that dish. It wasn't very good. His chicken was overcooked and kind of bland. And I ordered catfish. Um... I don't really like fried fish. But I haven't tried it in years, and last night, it just sounded good. Yeah. I still don't like fried fish. So dinner wasn't very good. And it was expensive. Double downer.

And then when we got home I suggested he play Avatar, which he got over the weekend but I hadn't had a chance to see much of because I was cleaning while he was playing. He was really in the mood for a different game, but he granted me my request and then had a REALLY frustrating experience when the game didn't explain the mission very well. So I felt bad about that. And then I fell asleep on the couch while he was playing a less frustrating game so when we went to bed, I was a zombie. I don't even think I hugged him.

And then this morning I did NOT want to get out of bed. And then when he came to hug me in the kitchen after my shower I wasn't as responsive as I should have been. And then I closed the door to blow dry my hair, so I wouldn't disturb him, but probably because I was blah in the kitchen, he didn't come open the door to see me until he was leaving. He had such a sad little look on his face. I would like to think it was simply because he didn't want to go to work, but I know that I was part of that sad face. I had the opportunity to make his morning better, but instead I wallowed in my sleepiness and kept my stupid mouth shut.

I can be a real jerk sometimes.

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 2.15.10

Mayor Quimby: Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Our First Married Valentine's Day =-)

I feel like I'm finally coming out of my funk. At some point yesterday I just realized I needed to snap out of it. My feelings of general glumness were going to start hurting my husband if I couldn't genuinely return his smile as I walked out the door...

Class was long and boring yesterday. Well, that's not completely true. There was a lot of interesting subject matter covered in class yesterday, but the speaker was not great. But guess what I learned?!? I'm Learning Disabled! haha... it was so interesting. We were studying Modifications, which is how to modify your teaching and your classroom to accommodate students with special needs. There are a LOT of factors that can classify someone as special needs. English Language Learners, mentally or physically disabled students, "high risk" students – which is anyone who conveys characteristics that make them less likely to succeed, such as low income, being pregnant or on parole or homeless. Yes, homeless. I was shocked to learn a few years ago how large the population of homeless students in Irving ISD was. School is a great place for a child to be who doesn't have shelter or food outside of school. When a school district recognizes a need in a student, they are legally required to meet that need, whether it be handicap access, speech therapy or lack of food. School breakfast/lunch programs save lives.

Anyway... I was making a point. We were watching a video about teaching Learning Disabled students. That term also can cover a wide range of needs. Learning Disabled would be something like Dyslexia or ADHD... again, the list goes on and on. The speaker in the video made the statement that he hears teachers say "This student has no attention span! He's so easily distracted." And he has a problem with that statement because those are two different things. A student with a short attention span can't focus on anything. A student with high distractability focuses on everything! Every little noise or object or thought pulls their attention from what they are trying to listen to. Hello!!! That is so me! When I was a student, we didn't have terms for a lot of these conditions. Often times, students who struggled with anything were simply seen as unmotivated. So some students fell behind while others learned to cope. I learned to cope. I learned that I could only pay attention to text if I read it out loud. I had to focus not only my eyes on what I was trying to take in, but my ears as well. If there was silence, my mind wandered all over the place.

I had forgotten just how severe that was before I took the Generalist test in January. I think that the reminder will be a huge advantage to me when I am on the teaching end of things in a classroom.

haha... just thought I'd share that.

Last night, after my HOURS and HOURS of class, Brett and I decided to celebrate our Valentine's Day a day early. We were originally planning to go to our church party last night and just eat a late dinner tonight in honor of the holiday. We had a gift card to one of our fav places, Macaroni Grill. (Thank you Laura!!!) But after being away from each other all day, and after surviving ANOTHER challenging week at Brett's work, we decided that we wanted to take our time celebrating each other. So when I got home, I gave him his gift, which he loved (a joystick that came out months ago but that was too expensive to justify buying just for the heck of it... the price just dropped so I snagged it!) and then we headed to Lewisville to do a little shopping before we went to dinner. Brett bought me two cds that I REALLY wanted a cd case for my car. I was so excited!!! We waited for a table at the Mac Grill for just over an hour, but the hostess was friendly once we started to talk to her, and the food was delicious. It was a nice night =-)

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. I pray that this day is a day of celebration for those in love and day of healing for all of the couples who are hurting and the singles are feeling a little lonely.

Hoping tomorrow is a better day... =-)

W.O.W.

Today was without a doubt the most beautiful drive to work I've ever experienced. I passed 6 giant snowmen on my way here and one of them was wearing a sweater! A SWEATER! It was great!

Isn't it crazy how 15 minutes can change your life? I'm not sure if this morning's 15 minute drive changed my life, but it definitely woke me up a little. I've been feeling so numb and empty. There is so much life around me. I'm so thankful for God's glory that cannot be hidden. I'm not empty. Just tired. I need to remember that.

I've been at work for almost 2 and a half hours and I've gotten a ton done! So that's good. I really want to go see Valentine's Day today. We had plans to go see it with Jenn and Rich tonight, but we cancelled those plans because of the weather and the crazy. But I still want to see it. I have class all day tomorrow and then a Sunday School party tomorrow night, and then Sunday will be busy as usual. But if I don't find a way to see it this weekend I will find a way to see it next week.

Weekly Weigh In 2.12.10

239.6

It was a mostly good food week, but as always, could have been better. I need to get more vegetables in the mix. I'm feeling so toxic lately, I think I am going to address that need pronto.

Monday was fine, food-wise, but I grocery shopped that night, so no exercise. We had tostadas and they rocked. Tuesday I walked with Jenina and then ended up eating leftover tostadas because I didn't think my tummy could handle the steaks that Brett was making for dinner. Mine is still in the fridge waiting to be eaten. Wednesday night I had class. I ate a sandwich and an individual sized bag of baked lays on my way to class and then came home and had a bowl of soup. No exercise. And then yesterday. Sigh.

I went back and forth yesterday morning, while waiting in bed for the alarm to force me out, about what to do. How to get to the meeting. I was still hoping for the weather to take care of the problem for me, but I was trying to figure out what to do if the weather didn't. I had a wonderful fantasy about calling in sick and spending my pre-meeting time in bed and my post-meeting time working out and watching Julie & Julia again. As I mentioned yesterday, I ended up sucking it up and taking advantage of my general state of crapiness to work from home. Not as good as calling in sick, but a heck of a lot better than being at the office.

Turns out I did over-romanticize this meeting. It was no big deal. I filled out a form and was in and out in ten minutes. I really liked the VP. I think we could be friends... I could tell instantly that we had a lot in common. She has all 7 Harry Potter books lined up on a shelf, a Twilight calendar hanging behind her desk, and a picture of her 4 year old, red-headed niece.

But it was an opportunity and I did my best to make the most of it. It doesn't help that I tend to talk too much, or just plain say the wrong thing, when I am nervous. And I was trying to come across as professional, which, let's face it... I'm not. I'm casual. And friendly. But that doesn't mean I couldn't be a good teacher.

I'm rambling.

The thing is, I was kind of excited about this meeting. I wanted someone to be excited with me. I sort of fished for that... I mentioned it to four people. The only person who came close to expressing any enthusiasm was Jenina. My mom and Brett were quick to tell me it was no big deal. My mom is a Principal's secretary, so this is all routine to her. And Brett has a lot on his mind. The little things that are filling my world right now just can't stand up to the big ones that are dominating his. But they don't feel little to me. I know they are small steps, but it's all part of a big thing. The scariest thing I've done in my life. Falling in love was scary for a week, but then it was safe. Getting married wasn't scary, it was right. But this is scary. To me.

I feel kind of sad. And lonely. And I'm still in pain. God kept me honest yesterday... I was in the bathroom all day. I got some work done, but not as much as I wanted to. I hope my boss isn't mad today. The weather is delaying our opening, but I am about to throw on make-up and clothes. I'm hoping to be the first one to work, and I'm hoping that by the time other people show up, I'll be caught up. I still feel like crap.

I've spent the last 24 hours trying to focus on the good. I've been praying for my friends who are in need of prayer... Tara, Stephanie, John, Scott... I've been praying for my husband who is at his wit's end. I've been promising the Lord that I will continue to lean on Him and asking for his grace and mercy and forgiveness for my unshakable selfishness. And I'm so tired. I have class tomorrow. And the next Saturday. And the next. And the next. And then I'll be done. Our vacation is not next week, but the following. I will be observing 3 days, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I am so looking forward to that Monday. There is a lot I want to get done on my two days of vacation... if I don't clean the apartment soon, my head might explode. But that Monday I will rest.

I hope everyone has a good weekend and a sweet Valentine's Day. I am so ready to celebrate my husband. I love him so much and I have been almost helpless watching him suffer the last two weeks. I give it my all! Throwing out every word of encouragement I can find and listening as intently as I can... but my attempts, for a few hours every evening, can't match the 11 hours of struggle that he deals with every day at work. I hope that this weekend we can feel thankful and safe and secure in our love for each other. I wish the same for you!

So Beautiful...

It's snowing. Big, huge, beautiful, very non-Texan snowflakes. The view from our apartment is of the creek that we face. I can't see any roads unless I go out on the balcony and lean over the edge. So there is nothing interrupting the view of this beautiful snowy day.

What is it about snow? It's so graceful. So lonely. For some, mostly children, snow inspires thoughts of frivolity... snowball fights, cancelled school, holidays. For others, it brings fear of isolation. Being cut off from the rest of the world. Stranded. But for others, it's just comforting. A blanket of snow. Who doesn't love a good blanket?

I prayed for snow last night. I was certain if it snowed, schools would be cancelled (because Texas schools usually shut down when it snows!) and I would be able to reschedule today's appointment and not have to worry about leaving work.

Well, I woke up to snow, but no ice, so schools are up and running. I also woke up with stomach pain. The same stomach pain that I've been suffering through all week because of my poor choices over the weekend. But I have a project at work that will take a good six hours or so, so I called my boss and asked if I could pull those files and work from home today. Actually work from the bathroom is what I said. She was obliging so I am currently pulling the files from our ftp site.

My plan is to work until 1 and then eat a quick lunch and then take my time getting ready for my meeting. I'm already showered with dry hair so all I need to do is get dressed and put on some makeup. I will probably leave here a little before 2 so I can drive nice and slow.

After the meeting I will run a few errands and then come home to finish the work project. Tonight I will do a few more online classes. That's the plan anyway.

Happy snow day =-)

I Just Cannot Calm Down

I think I need to learn some breathing exercises or something. I just can't shake the anxiety.

Things are okay. I have a meeting tomorrow at one of the schools where I want to do observation. I have no idea why. I emailed two principals. One of them said "that would be fine" and the other forwarded my request to the VP who then said "when can we meet to talk about your observation?". What? You want to meet me? Why? I'm just coming to observe. But I've decided it's my first chance to make a good impression. I have a meeting at 2:30 tomorrow with the Vice Principal at the newest and best middle school in Irving. I have no idea how I'm going to get there at 2:30 when I am supposed to be at work until 5:00, but I was not about to tell her no. I will figure something out. OR... maybe it will snow and school will be cancelled so we'll have to reschedule. We'll see. Either way, I'm super nervous. I THINK I've decided what to wear, but if it doesn't look good when I try it on tonight I'm heading straight to Wal-mart to search for something presentable/professional-ish. I have class until 9:00 so Wal-mart will be my only option.

Work has been better for Brett the last two days, but now it looks like the something that was going on (we don't really know what it was) is still going on. I know he must be nervous and uncomfortable and the thought of him suffering fills me with all kinds of emotions and urges.

And there is a cake in the lunch room.

It's gorgeous. It was there when I got back from running a couple of errands on my lunch break. I have no intention of touching that cake. But I wish I hadn't seen it.

Sigh. Hope everyone's week is going well.

Good news - I finally walked with Jenina last night. I'm embarrassed that I'm not faster/better. But Jenina loves me. I know she doesn't mind. Also, I completed my first online course last night. Score!

Also, I bought a dress at lunch. I needed to go pay my Lane Bryant bill so I thought I would check the clearance racks for something impressive to wear tomorrow. Didn't really find anything interview appropriate, but I found a dress that was originally priced $80, marked down to $27.50, and I had a $10 gift card. It's really pretty. It looked great on, but at this point it's too tight for me to sit in. I decided that my goal would be for it to fit on my birthday (in May) and to wear it on a birthday date with my hubs =-)

Better... I Think

Well, I made it through Monday. I tracked my food today in the WW food journal that I purchased yesterday, but I had to estimate on my lunch. It was leftovers from Friday night's dinner that I couldn't eat because I'd already eaten. I couldn't find nutrition information on this pasta dish, but I estimated 10 points and I think that was pretty close. Since I didn't make it to the grocery store this weekend, I didn't have any fruit or fixin's for the day so it was okay that my lunch was more pointy than usual. We had tostadas for dinner and they were awesome! I tried an organic lean beef and it was tastier than the usual ground turkey. I think that I ended the day with a couple of points left over, which kind of seems too good to be true because my meals were all really good. But I don't think I left anything out... Either way, the day is over, I'm done eating and I'm planning for tomorrow.

I went to the store after work today. Didn't make it home with any fresh veggies other than some awesome hearts of romaine that were on sale at Kroger, but I have a decent selection of fruit. Fruit is usually my daytime snack. Tomorrow, I will have a small orange, three strawberries, 2 grapes and 2 raspberries to snack on. I bought 4 oranges and a mixed fruit cup... that should do the trick.

My stomach is still recovering from this weekend, but hopefully by this time tomorrow, the bad stuff will all be out of my system. Jenina and I are walking after work so I should get home with just enough time to make stuffed pork chops before Brett gets home at 8. Wednesday night I have class, so I will probably take a sandwich and a mini bag of Baked Lays to eat in the car on the way... I don't feel as prepared as I could be, as far as food for the week goes, but for shopping on a budget, I did pretty okay. Next week I will spend a little extra so there is no reason to fear.

I also cut all of my hair off. Not in a "Deb" way (shout out Kelly!). Just in a "I seriously need a change" way. I love a good haircut. And I think this will turn out to be a good haircut. I just had it cut yesterday afternoon so today was my first day to wash and dry it. It was a little poofy this morning, but as the day progressed, I was mostly pleased.

In OA they always used to say that you can't start climbing back up until you hit rock bottom. This weekend was certainly not my rock bottom (miles above it, actually) but it was the lowest I have been in quite some time. The pain of that lifestyle is so real to me that my body cringes away from behaviors that could pull me back there. I can't believe it's so easy for me to slip and take a few steps down that path. But when I come to my senses and realize where I am, I back track as quickly as possible. I will pay the price for a few days, but I hope that it moves me in a positive direction for a while.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I feel like I've said that a lot lately. Which means I have been complaining a lot lately. I'm sorry. I'll see what I can do about that. But thanks anyway =-) You make me feel human.

P.S. Brett had a good day at work. Thank you, Lord.

Sometimes I Want To Lie...

And sometimes I want to tell you all the dirty truth. I didn't weigh in Friday morning. I was so overwhelmed by my week that I actually forgot to step on the scale before I got in the shower. But on Wednesday and Thursday I was up. I started exercising and the scale moved in the wrong direction. What the heck???

I wish that I could be "struck abstinent". It's a phrase I used to hear in OA. Some people would hit rock bottom and then decide to turn their life around, and they just did it. Just changed everything overnight. Maybe that will happen to me someday, but probably not. There have been times when I flip a switch one day and for a few months it seems like a permanent change in direction. But something always happens.

I ate Friday. And yesterday. More than any normal person would eat. I even pulled food out of the trash. Does that shock you? I guess it should. But it's a very sad, very normal part of life for some people. It's not normal for me. Friday morning I threw away a bag of open Tostitos that were left at our apartment on guys night a couple of weeks ago. I love chips. I mean, I could EASILY sit down and eat an entire bag. I never have, but I've come close.

Well Friday morning I threw the chips away. They've been calling to me for two weeks now and I finally decided to get rid of them. But I did that before my day really started. I woke up at 6:15, like I always do, on Friday and I was getting ready for work. It wasn't until I sat down to blow dry my hair that I decided that I couldn't just go to work. I needed some time. So I called my boss and then I got back in bed. Brett's boss told him Thursday night to only work 8 hours on Friday, so he was going in at 10:00 because right now, his students are working 10-7:00. I stayed in bed until he got up at 9:15 and then I got dressed and went to the library. The whole time I was there, I was trying to decide what to do for lunch. I was thinking about Subway because I'd been craving sandwiches all week, but really, I wanted some chips. When my hands touched that bag of Tostitos, my mouth automatically wanted to chomp some chips. Nothing really SOUNDED good for lunch though, so when I remembered we had two slices of leftover pizza in the fridge from Brett's dinner one night this week, I decided to just head home for a quick lunch and a bit of Rachael Ray before work. I knew that when I made the decision to go home I would be eating those chips.

They were at the very top of the trash. I know that doesn't make it better. Normal people don't pull food out of the trash can. But I did. And I've done it before.

So I had chips with shredded cheese melted on top, pizza and an ice cream bar before heading for work. On my way to work I stopped at McDonald's for an iced mocha. They make me sick every single time I drink one, but it's always what I want when I'm feeling bad. I also got a hamburger happy meal.

Friday night I snacked while I waited for Brett to get off work. We had dinner plans with one of his co-workers, but I knew that we weren't meeting him until 8 because Brett was working until 7:30. I had four pieces of toast. It's another thing that I crave when I am feeling bad. Don't know why. And I put a little turkey on two pieces of toast. So I guess you would call those sandwiches. Two sandwiches. I ate something else too, but I can't remember now what it was.

I was stuffed when we went to dinner. Heck, I was still full from lunch. The iced mocha was killing me. I only ate a few bites of my pasta. But still.

Yesterday was better. Well, that's not entirely true. Yesterday morning I drove through Chick-fil-a on my way to the test. I got a four piece chicken mini and a small coke zero. After the test I went to Whataburger to grab breakfast for Brett. I finished this test much faster than the last one. I was in a classroom instead of a testing center so it was MUCH easier for me to block out my surroundings. That probably should work the other way around, but when I can SEE things around me and I can SEE what is making the random noises, I'm not imagining what they are. The real world, I can handle... it's the world in my head that I can't block out. So anyway, I was debating whether or not to get a breakfast taquito for myself when I went to get one for Brett, but what I really wanted was something sweet. I wanted an iced mocha and cinnamon melts from McDonald's. But my stomach would have exploded if I'd had an iced mocha two days in a row. So I pulled into the gas station that is across the street from the Whataburger. I got a bottled frapacchino and a Honey Bun. It was probably the best Honey Bun I've ever had.

After that, the binging was over for the day. We went to The Olive Garden with Brett's mom. I got the linguini marinara, which is about 7 points, and I ate my salad and two breadsticks. So I could have skipped the bread (half of which was dipped in the alfredo sauce that we ordered on the side... why skip details now... apparently I'm spilling my guts today) but I made a decent choice on the meal. When we left Brett's mom's house at 5:00, we drove through Sonic to get Brett a Dr. Pepper and me an Ocean Water. But they had the Sweetheart Shake that they bring around every February, so I ordered a small one of those instead. It's my favorite. Chocolate covered cherry. But upon receiving the shake, I realized that they have changed it and it is no longer the greatness that I used to know and love... I still ate about a third of it, but I poured the rest out when I got home.

We went straight to bed. Brett is exhausted from being overloaded at work and I was empty from all of the test preparation, anxiety, and subsequent feelings of failure. I stayed in bed. I slept almost 12 hours.

Today is a new day, and I want to do better.

Are you disgusted? Do you even believe me when I say that I want to do better? I can barely make it through an entire day making only good choices. I really do want to do better. I'm feeling REALLY unattractive. Probably because I am gross. My face is so puffy. Brett still tells me that I'm pretty, but I feel like it's out of habit more than sincerity. I'm not pretty. I'm a mess. I'm sneaking food and that's bad. It has to stop. NOW. It's one of the telltale signs of an addict. Sneaking. Lying about what you are eating, or drinking, or buying or whatever addiction you struggle with.

I can't slip back into that lifestyle. It has to stop. So today I told you the truth when I wanted to lie. The scale said 239.4 this morning. But this week, I want to do better. I'm kind of at a loss as to how to be better. I know that I've had healthy habits before, but when I try to remember them, I draw a blank.

I think that I will buy a WW journal today. I told Brett that I needed to be out by myself for a bit. He has work to do, so I can sneak off for an hour or so while he is typing. But I don't want to sneak off to eat. I want to sneak off to find help. I need help. So this week, I will journal every bite. I will serve fresh vegetables with every meal. And I will walk as much as I can.

I'm so ashamed =-(

Feeling Kind of Empty

I will apologize now... I'm sure this post will be a bit long.

The art test was yesterday. I studied all week, but was never very confident in the study material. Did I tell you that I searched for three weeks and only ever found one company that made a study guide for the art test? And when it showed up, it was NOT very impressive. My last book, the one I used to study for the EC-6 test, was laid out perfectly! The test has five domains, or subject areas, and each subject area has 10 or so elements that the Texas Educators Association believes a beginning teacher should have mastered. The TEA, or whoever, makes a manual for each test clearly outlining what you are expected to know. I printed out the manual for each of my tests and have them in notebooks. My first book was laid out point for point explaining each thing outlined in the manual. It was GREAT!

My art book? Not so much. First of all, it was completely black and white, all text. Yeah. You read that right. The ART book didn't have a SINGLE PICTURE in it. No examples of anything they covered. Just sentences. Sentences that were often really disjointed. They would change topics in the middle of a paragraph. It is stapled. So it's the cheapest possible book they could have produced. I know that because we do saddle stitching (stapling) at my work. It ain't fancy! And the first 20 pages were "secrets to acing the test" or crap like that. Pages about getting enough sleep the night before and making rhymes to help you remember facts.

Oh brother.

But it was all I had. It was my plan all along to get through that book, which was mostly a VERY brief review of basic art history, and then spend some time at the library filling in the gaps left by the book.

I can't really make excuses. It was my responsibility to study. But after taking the test yesterday, I almost feel like I had no business being there.

There was so much I didn't know.

I was a design major in school. My classes were pretty much split between computer classes and studio classes, but it was a small school. The studio teachers at OBU were really strong when I was there, and the design teachers were very mediocre. But I've been in the profession for 7 years now. I've learned a lot. A TON about the elements of design and I'm strong in the programs that I know. But it's been 7 years since I've studied art history. I only took Painting 1 & 2, and Drawing 1 & 2. I took two years of Pottery. It was my strongest subject. And I sat in on the Mixed Media class. I couldn't take it out right because it would have put me at 21 hours and I couldn't afford to pay the overload fee. But the teacher was my friend, so I got to sit in on the class. And I took the Art Education class. The one for Education majors that weren't Art Education majors, but still needed to have a basic knowledge of art in the classroom. I learned a lot in my years at Ouachita. It strengthened my love and appreciation for art in ENORMOUS ways!

But I never took Sculpting. And I didn't take Jewelry Making. And they didn't offer Weaving or Carving... and all of those things were on the test. After reading about them for a week, I still encountered LOTS of terms on the test yesterday that I had never heard before. And I left feeling disappointed.

I still believe that I could be a fun, effective art teacher. I had a kick butt middle school art teacher, who made me enjoy and appreciate visual art in a very real way. And I think that I could equal her. But leaving that test, all I could think was "I'm just not up to par". The TEA has high standards for what they want their art teachers to know and be able to do. And right now, it's a mark that I can't hit.

I know that I said that I wasn't sure if I passed the last test, and I ended up doing fairly well. But I'm serious. I probably guessed on half of the questions yesterday. And there were only 80. Well, there were 90 questions, but only 80 will be graded. 10 are sample questions that they throw in to see if they would be good questions on future tests. But I have no idea which 10 will be thrown out.

I'm kind of embarrassed. And I feel sort of empty. I feel like I gave it all I had, and it was like watching a five year old try to drive a car. They think they have the basic idea until they get behind the wheel and proceed to drive the car straight into a lake.

We had a really busy day yesterday so I didn't have much time to dwell on it. But I am completely spent. This was a paper test (my last test was a computer test) so it will take three to four weeks for me to get the score in the mail. Ugh.

Even before yesterday, it was a rough week. While my nights were full of bleary eyes and text books, my days were full of worry. Brett had a rough week. I know I've said that before, but this was really difficult. There is someone at work who was not happy when he was promoted and she has been out to make life difficult for him for months. This week was kind of her magnum opus. We still don't know exactly what went on, but Brett was kind of torn to pieces. And it was terrible to watch. And I wanted to run that girl over with my car. Even without her mucking things up, he was working 12 hour days and worked through lunch on three of those days. He came home exhausted. I found myself daydreaming about us being stranded on a dessert island. That is a fantasy that I used to have all the time, but I was convicted about it a couple of years ago, because I realized how ungrateful it was of me to wish for a different life when God spends EACH DAY pouring out blessings over me. But this week, each day it was a struggle to move forward. I snapped at my boss at work and alienated my only friend there. And it was all I could do to make it through each day. In fact, Friday I couldn't do it. I spent the morning at the library and didn't go to work until noon. I wanted some study time, but I was also shaking in my boots thinking about Brett being surrounded by vipers all day. That last thought is a little dramatic, but only a little.

It's scary when you are moving in a direction and you think that your focus is in the right place, and suddenly, it seems that everything might change. Drastically.

I wanted to be an art teacher. But saying "I want to be a doctor" doesn't suddenly make me qualified to operate on someone. Education is a big deal, and if I'm not qualified to teach children, then God, and the Texas Educators Association, is right to keep me from that. And not being an art teacher NEXT year, doesn't mean that I never will be. I know lots of people who started out in a classroom before moving to a studio.

If I somehow do pass this test, I'm going to go for an art job. Because I really do believe that I could teach it to young people who art just being introduced to it. I never said I could be a college professor! But if I end up in a classroom, I will know that is where I belong. And art DOES have a place in the classroom. So maybe it would be the best of both worlds? Sigh.

The tests are over. Maybe. (I'm starting to consider taking the 4-8 Generalist test because it would be a LOT more schools that I could apply at... more on that later). For the remainder of the month I am going to focus on completing my online course work. There are a dozen or so classes that are online and I would like to have them completed before I finish my face to face classes on March 6. I am doing my observation the last week of this month. There are still a lot of steps to complete, and I'm going to keep doing my best. We'll see where that leads me.

Thanks for the encouragement that a few of you have given me. I appreciate it.

Michael Scott Words of Wisdom - 9

I have to get rid of the curse that made my car hit Meredith. I'm not superstitious. I'm only a little stitious.

Wow... Already.

Jaime just pointed out that everyone has already posted a "It's February, How Was January?" post. Yeah. I didn't realize it was February.

Am I the only one still in the "getting started" phase on their resolutions? Probably. haha. But it won't stop me!

And you know what? Just because the fitness part has been a slow beginning, I'm not going to ignore what I did accomplish in January. Let's review!

- Tried LOTS of new healthier recipes and found a few keepers! Sweet! I also have a cookbook picked out to buy when I have some "fun money" next week. Sweet!

- I'm rockin' my classes. I have passed my first test and am doing my best to conquer test #2.

- We are talking a lot about our finances and doing our best to plan well for the future. Already an improvement over last year.

So anyway. January wasn't a complete bust, but I'm hoping to make some improvements in February. Just thought I should get that out there before some points out that my first by-myself workout at the apartment was on February 1st.

That's What I Need!!!

I confessed to Brett last night that I don't know how to jog.

It's okay. You can laugh.

Seriously. I try to jog, but it's a run! I feel awkward trying to run slowly. I love to walk fast, and honestly, I love to run. I can't do it for more than a few seconds (you can laugh again) but it feels good.

Last night as I was walking on the treadmill at my apartment (stop giggling, it's time to APPLAUD! my first time by myself at the apartment=-) I was wanting to try to jog. The guy next to me was jogging at 3.8 miles an hour and it looked like a nice steady pace. Well I started off walking at 3.5 mph. So a little faster and I could have jogged (if I knew how). But the thought of jogging/running on a treadmill terrifies me! It's probably safer than I imagine, but in my head, it's practically deadly! I just know I would fall. I wouldn't be able to keep an even pace and I would fall! And my fingers would get caught in the machine and break off. And I would knock my teeth out and be toothless! Seriously!

I was just reading Lynn's blog and she said she has a TRAIL! I mean an indoor trail. That she can run on. What?! That's what I need!!! I don't know if she was talking about a gym, but I assume it's something like that.

I am HUGELY thankful for how my week is starting out. Well part of my week. I had the healthiest weekend I've had in a long time. I only ate out once. I enjoyed every bite of it, BUT I only ate half of it! I would have liked to swallow every last bit, but I was so full! So I stopped. But after Friday night, we were just at home. I took my lunch with me to class on Saturday and this time I didn't leave. Stopping for a drink on the way there was key. I only drank half of the diet soda, and ended up drinking a ton of water that day! It's the weather. Dries me out. Nice! I don't remember what we did for dinner, but I know it wasn't eating out. Sunday was leftovers for lunch and dinner at my parents. Last night I had the last of the delicious pasta from last week and a nice big salad. The scale is looking good, and I know that I will be back on that treadmill at least two more times. Probably tonight and tomorrow, because Thursday I am going to hit up the library for some books on teaching art and Friday we have dinner plans with Brett's co-worker. I haven't met him before, so I don't want to be Mrs. Stinky.

Also, WAY too emotional this week. It's that time of the month. Combine that with the feeling of being generally overwhelmed that I carry every day these days... no good. But I got some MUCH needed rest on Sunday, so I know I'm better off than I would have been, and that comforts me somewhat.

Hope everyone's week is starting well =-)