Back To The Land of the Living... err, Blogging

Wow! It feels so good to be caught up on reading everyone's blogs! Unfortunately, I've had trouble getting motivated at work today, so I've been reading blogs in between working on a basketball program. Shame on me. BUT, in my defense, out of the 5 of us working this week (there are 8 people total who work here and 3 are out of town) I have still done more work than everyone else today. Well, not more than the pressman. He is unseasonably busy. Is that a word?

So, reading everyone's holiday recaps and early New Years resolutions has been a nice mental cleansing. I am writing two blogs in my head, one a Holiday Season 2010 overview, and one a Resolution Refinement. We all know that I jumped the gun this year and made some resolutions a couple of months ago. Of course, my resolve melted when Christmas drew near... I've been all over the place with food choices. But the holiday season will officially be over when Brett and I get back in town on Saturday evening after spending the weekend with our Houston friends. I am ready to get back on the wagon.

So I will probably write and post those two blogs on Sunday. I've got MUCH to say. What better place to spill it? That's what my blog is for, right?!

Okay, I'm going to go back and comment on a few blogs. Anything to put off this stupid basketball program a bit longer. I'm just not feeling it today!

A Few Quick Words

I still don't have time to write a proper blog, but I'm writing a nice long one in my head! I want to post about the holidays because they were so wonderful. Seeing my family and celebrating with my husband, not boyfriend, was amazing. Waking up with Brett on Christmas morning and realizing that I had a lifetime of this to look forward to was so humbling and so wonderful.

I have lots to tell! Brett's birthday was last Wednesday and we had a BLAST celebrating! And on Thursday we had the big family celebration at my Uncle's. And then Friday we spent several hours at my parents house. And then Saturday we spent all day acquiring my Christmas present. I can't wait to tell you about it! It was SO MUCH FUN!!! I'll tell you this much now: my wardrobe is MUCH improved!

Yesterday was a day of cleaning mostly. Putting up decorations and writing a grocery list... using our lovely new vacuum and our less lovely old toilet brush. haha. I still need to clean the kitchen and showers good but the rest of the place is looking pretty nice!

I will post as soon as I can! Work is going to be pretty crazy for me this week, but if I don't empty out my head now and then, it might just explode! We can't have that!

Hope everyone's week starts out well!

SLOW DOWN CLOCK! I Can't Keep Up!

I don't have time for a proper post this morning, and I can't think of when I will have time... I know it will be a full week for everyone, hopefully full of family and fun! The food is just a part of it. I'm not going to beat myself up over gains this week, but I am also not going to make up occasions to overeat. "Three days before Christmas" is neither a holiday, nor a reason to eat large amounts of chocolate. I'm just sayin'!

Christmas with Brett's mom went okay on Saturday. Brett was a little on edge, and she said something that really hurt my feelings, but other than that, the night was okay. She was very generous with gifts, as usual, and I got a super cute new coat that I was totally going to post a picture of, but I can't find it on the Target website. I will try to snap a pic in it this week. I love it!

Our church's choir concert was last night and I am happy to say that it went very well. It was a very interesting experience being a part of the Christmas choir. I'm glad that I did it and I learned a lot about being a "new member" at a church. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but I made a friend or two and I know that eventually, more will come.

Today and tomorrow, the plan is for me to work as long as I can at work so that I can get a lot done and be able to leave work early on Wednesday to celebrate Brett's birthday during the day so he can play with his friends at night. And then Thursday the festivities begin! I love this time of year, and I am REALLY hoping that my unhappiness at work doesn't spill over into any other areas this week.

Okay, off to the races. I'm days behind on reading blogs, so I miss you all! I hope everything is well and I hope everyone gets off to a good start this week!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Weekly Weigh In 12.18.09 - Thankful for a Loss!

Well, last weekend I did EXACTLY what I said I didn't want to do. I used lots of "flex points" and went up like 3 pounds or something crazy like that. Last Friday I was at 235.2. I wasn't back down to 235.2 until yesterday morning. Today I am 234.8 and I am thankful for the loss. I will do my best to not repeat those mistakes.

This weeks challenges are:

1) We are having our Christmas with Brett's mom Saturday night. Originally we were going to have Christmas dinner at her house, but because of some work she is having done at her house that day, she decided it would be easier if she just took us to dinner. Very nice of her! We are going to one of my favorite restaurants, so I am glad that I am going to eat something that I have been craving (hopefully I won't think about it again for a while) but I need to be careful to not eat more than I need to. It's crazy how fast your tummy can feel full when you are paying attention.

2) We don't have much money. And we're in need a few non grocery items. I am going to have to be REALLY careful grocery shopping. I want to have good choices in the house, but we are incredibly limited with our funds this weekend. We both get paid next Thursday, so it's not a full week of lunches to plan for, and because of the three holiday meals (maybe four) that we have interspersed over the next few days, we have a few less dinners to worry about also.

I would like to say that I will continue to post losses over the next three weeks, but the holidays are tricky. I would LOVE to keep losing, but I would also be thrilled to maintain. I'm not going to overreact to small gains, but I don't want to completely ignore them either. I want to react properly.

Okay, I want to be on time to work today so I am off to start my day. Work has been exceptionally difficult recently. I am praying for peace and productivity today.

What... Am I Leaking?

I just cannot stay full! Tonight I rushed through dinner because I had to be at choir at 7. I was totally full though! But three hours later, when I left choir, I was hungry all over again! Like I hadn't eaten at all!

Brett was hungry too and asked me to pick up something for him on my way home. I've been craving Taco Bell since I picked it up for him a few days ago. Every time I get in my car, I am tempted to drive thru. But if I am craving it to this extent, the extent that I am going to dwell on it until I eat it, then I need to eat it for a meal. I'm NOT going to drive through for a "snack" that would probably add up to a thousand calories and make me feel horrible after the fact. I'm going to go to the restaurant and sit down for a meal! And this weekend would probably be a good time for it, because we will be broke! You don't get much cheaper than Taco Bell!

I'm so ready for the holiday. I got really mad at work today because suddenly my boss said that we were working a half day on Christmas Eve even though it's been on the calendar for TWELVE MONTHS that we are closed that day. It's STILL on the calendar. When was she going to tell me that? She didn't tell me today, I just happened to be in the room when she mentioned to her brother that it was "her bad". Really??? "My bad"? That's all you have to say about stealing my holiday!!!???!!!

I understand that we are busy, but seriously... it's not my fault that this customer waited until the last minute AGAIN to get his catalog ready for the new year. Why should I sacrifice my Christmas? I still have 2.5 unused vacation days, so I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow and make sure that I will NOT be at work on Christmas Eve.

Brett came home angry too. Couple of rough spots in his day. But when I got home from choir, he had used my three hour absence well and was nice and relaxed and sweet. Unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to unwind though so I seem like a grumpy Gus even though I'm really just tired.

Okay, I am happy to report that the cup of hot tea and serving of Chessmen cookies, that I consumed while typing this post, totally hit the spot. I'm feeling much better, and I didn't go over my daily goal.

Tentatively Breathing a Sigh of Relief

Well, Tuesday is over and so far this week is going MUCH smoother than last. Well, smooth may not be the word exactly, but I am feeling better.

Yesterday was Brett's mom's birthday. We had her over for dinner and gave her the new special edition Wizard of Oz. (It was on her Christmas list... she asked me to make her a scrapbook for her birthday but that will take some time.) It is SO fun to watch that movie as an adult! I am sure that I have seen it hundreds of times, but beginning to end as an adult, only a few times. It is truly a classic. So funny and so beautiful. Innocent. I love it. Brett made fajitas and his Green Lightning Shrimp. Dinner was fantastic! And I think that his mom enjoyed the evening.

Tonight I went to dinner with my mom at Panera. It was my second time to eat there, and this time was even better than the first! I tried a different soup and sandwich and they were both tasty! Chicken noodle soup and smoked turkey on "country bread". Not sure what "country bread" means, but it was good! I would definitely order it again. After dinner we ran a quick errand so she could help me pick up a birthday present for Brett. I love spending time with my mom. She really is the greatest person I know. So kind, so loving and so fun. I love her giggle. And she is incredibly generous. She helped me out buying a few gifts tonight and it was a MUCH appreciated help!

After that I went to Jennifer's house to hang out. It was all decked out in Christmas bling and it looked BEAUTIFUL! They have two gorgeous trees! And the lights outside looked great! I thought about stealing the little Santa sign that was in the grass in the front yard, but considering that I don't have a yard (we live in an apartment) that would be exceptionally selfish of me.

I love spending time with Jennifer. She's just really easy to be around. And we have so much in common. She's a bit ahead of me in the life department because she's been married a little longer AND she has been a teacher for several years. So wherever I take her to in my ramblings, she's been there! And no matter what I confess, she never judges me. That is probably true for all of my best friends. Well, Jeff is a boy, so... ya know... he doesn't always EXACTLY understand my craziness, but he NEVER judges me.

My life is so full of blessings. Some days I feel so spoiled.

So I started my week with a "can do" attitude. It was immediately tested when, Monday morning, after LOTS of time in the dryer, I pulled my only pair of jeans out and the bottom half of the pant leg was rolled up inside the top half so it was completely soaked. Hello irritating! But I spent the drive to work trying to calm myself down and get into a place of humbleness and gratitude. Last week was dominated by the negativity. I just felt like I couldn't catch a break. But so far, this week feels much more normal. I'm still hungry often, but not starving like I was last week. And work is unpleasant, but we're only one week away from Christmas. Soon I will have a four day weekend and won't have to think about work for a bit.

One day at a time!

Just Goes To Show...

I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I haven't had a chance to READ any blogs in way too long.

This weekend is a perfect example of how one bite of the wrong thing can lead you down a long road of bad choices. The pizza that I ate Friday night set me up for a weekend of, not bingeing, but not the best choices. I didn't expect it on Saturday. We ate both lunch and dinner out because we shopped ALL DAY. I made what I felt were good choices but for whatever reason, when we got home, I was really snacky. I snacked on foods that I keep around specifically to be good snacking choices (rice cakes, baked lays and turkey slices... not all at once, throughout the evening) but I snacked too much and definitely past the point of hungry. I was trying to relax, so I kept the open bag of rice cakes next to me while I was reading and every time a bit of reality would try to creep into my mind and interrupt my down time, I would pop one in my mouth and refocus on my book.

Yesterday was again, not a bingeing day. But dinner last night wasn't even an attempt at anything healthy. It was one last comfort food to close the weekend out.

I say this a lot, but that doesn't make it not true: today is a new day. We are celebrating Brett's mom's birthday tonight. I have a couple of events this week and then we are celebrating Christmas with Brett's mom on Saturday before she goes out of town. And then Christmas will be here. Calm down Kim. One day at a time.

I am also seriously going to try to not be so negative on my blog anymore. I'm tired of hearing myself whine! It must be killing you. THANK YOU for your encouraging comments. I appreciate you immensely!

Hope everyone's week starts well!

A New Attitude

Okay, so the Sunday School party could have gone better last night. After a good night's sleep and some down time with my baby, I'm feeling a little embarrassed by my behavior. I wasn't intentionally being anti-social, but I could have done better. I think that any other week I would have done better. But last night, I was at about half strength, so I didn't give it my all.

It started out fine. We got there and mingled a bit but then headed to the movie room. The greatness of Christmas Vacation was on and there was a small group watching it and laughing and quoting. I didn't feel bad sitting on the couch and joining them because there was plenty of socializing going on along with the movie. When the movie was over we did the White Elephant gift exchange. It also was, I thought, okay. But I'm not sure what happened after that. People seemed to immediately flock to a group and start chatting when the game was over and I found myself alone. I went to talk to my friend Nicole (I sit by her in choir and was SO thankful that she was there last night. I seemed to have the easiest time talking to her.) who was holding our SS teacher's baby. I asked to hold the baby for a bit and as I was walking around the room with the baby, I caught a really unfortunate reflection of myself. Has that ever happened to you? You are walking along, chugging through your day, and BOOM! A mirror, or a wall of windows that you weren't expecting, and you realize that the outfit that looked totally cute on you when you were standing still in your bedroom in front of your mirror that morning actually looks TERRIBLE when you move around in it during the day. I like that jacket. I wear it often. I thought it IMPROVED my outfits. I was wrong. At least, with that shirt, it is a bad mix. No. If it looks bad with that shirt, it must look bad with them all.

Darn.

So I immediately felt ridiculous. The party had a "Christmas Morning" theme. We were told to wear our pajamas. Well I don't have any real pajamas. I have two black pairs of pajama pants that I could have worn with my one long sleeve t-shirt, and now I guess that I wish I had, but I was thinking that I would look terrible in it. They are both really old and I thought I would be embarrassed. I also thought that not everyone would be in pajamas. I WAS WRONG! Out of the 30 people there, only TWO of us were not in pajamas. Me and a guy named Brent. But my thinking was, well at least this is a cute outfit.

Yeah. That didn't work out.

By the time we left the party I was almost in tears. After I caught that reflection, I gave the baby back to Nicole and went to "wash my hands". Code for hide in the bathroom while I try not to cry.

I came out of the bathroom, went and shoved myself into a group conversation and was SO thankful ten minutes later when Brett found me and asked if I was ready to leave.

I am not going to let that happen again. I feel a little out of place in that group because, and I am seriously not exaggerating right now, I am TWICE the size of every girl in that class. They are all so beautiful. No obvious flaws. And then there's me. What a horrible thing for me to think about. Especially because it is a huge foothold for Satan to grab onto every Sunday morning when I am trying to learn and grow closer to my Lord and Savior. And HELLO!!! The only person in that room whose opinion I should worry about it my husband's. And he, for some crazy reason, is head over heels for me! AND, on top of that, everyone is SO nice! There is only one girl in there who makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like she zones in on me when I am feeling uncomfortable and instead of trying to make me feel better, she says things like "Are you tired or something? You look terrible." Thanks.

I am going to stop letting Satan win that battle. I am the only person in that room who cares about what I look like, and I don't even care until I'm in that room! At least not in that way. I'm not making changes primarily to change the way that other people see me. Screw other people! This is about me! My health! My life! No one else's.

For the first time in 12 days, I ate away the pain when I got home last night. I stopped WAY before I wanted to, but I did give in and eat 2 slices of Brett's pizza, just to stop my head for a bit. But today is a new day. I will fill it with good choices and with love.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Weekly Weigh In 12.11.09 & OH MY!

Okay, weight this morning is 235.2. This week was full of challenges, most of which I have posted about (sorry about all of the period talk... more sorry for me for having to deal with it!!!). Also full of some small victories, like eating almost exactly what I had planned to at Olive Garden (had a few bites of calamari, but honestly, only 3) and picking up something for Brett at a drive thru and not even considering getting myself anything. This was a full week and I am glad that today is Friday. I pray for peace and a good attitude today.

I have lots of thoughts and goals to share with you on that subject, some of which I hope to post this weekend, but right now I am sort of freaking out.

OH MY GOODNESS! I just signed up for my two certification tests. One is in January and one is in February. Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!!! I want to start studying!

It took me ALL morning to sign up. I went to three different websites just to find out how. The TExES site (the test is called TExES) is super helpful. I hope to get some kind of email from them today just confirming everything. I had to pick testing sites and they were all places I had never been too (had only heard of two of them... two different high schools), so I will definitely do a drive by before the test and make sure I know how to get there because if I am late, they won't let me in and I forfeit the fees. SO... I am $240 poorer (sorry baby), but one step closer to becoming a teacher =-)

Thank you Lord for providing us with the money to embark on this process. And thank you, thank you, thank you for a husband who is, without a doubt, my biggest fan and a support system that I couldn't live without.

A New Day

I started this post recapping about my bad day yesterday (which I am happy and hugely thankful to say ended on a good note after a solid hour of crying in my husband's arms and a solid two hours of talking to Jenina), but I'm over it. Yesterday is behind me. Today will be a new day with new joys and new trials. I'm going to just let yesterday lie.

The pound is gone, so this morning the scale repeated what it said Tuesday morning. I'm going to do my best today and hope to report something good in my Weekly Weigh In post tomorrow.

Speaking of weekly weigh-ins, how often do you weigh yourself? In Weight Watchers, while you are losing weight they tell you to only weigh yourself once a week, but when you are on maintenance they tell you to weigh yourself every day so you will have an understanding of how certain foods affect you. I have always been a daily weigher. Jenina got onto me for it last night. She thinks that is a bad idea. And there are definitely arguments that would support her. There are so many tiny little things, not even considering food, that can change what the scale says. When it's too much to understand, why torture yourself every day by trying to? But here's the deal. In the past, when I knew that I wasn't going to be weighed for 7 days, I would eat a little more (on WW that was "using my flex points") for a couple of days and then get serious. So on the two days that I was using my flex, I would gain a little weight, and then have to spend the next three days losing that weight so that I could lose a little bit MORE weight so that on day 7 when I was back on the scale, I would be a little less than the week before.

I want to be accountable for what I eat EVERY day. I don't want to obsess over it, but I want to be intentional. I want to acknowledge how the choices I make are going to affect me. Physically and mentally, ya know?

Okay. Today is a new day. I am going out to eat tonight so I want to make good choices. I have a lot of people to pray for today and I think I am going to finish the book of the Bible that I have been reading this morning. 2 Kings. Pages and pages of people killing the kings and taking over the country. But I read a REALLY good verse two days ago. It was talking about the Israelites and it said "They followed worthless idols and themselves became worthless." Hello! That's one to think about!

I hope you have a great Thursday.

Figures. My First Gain

Well, it was going to happen sometime. This morning I am up one pound on the scale and I have no idea why. My totals yesterday were near perfect. There are so many things going through my head right now... I keep starting to type something and deleting it. Sigh.

Okay. Yesterday is over and there is nothing I can do about it now. I did NOT make any choices that I regret, and I plan to do the same today. I plan to choose well. It's going to be a long and busy day. But I think I am going to get to see Jenina. And tomorrow I am definitely seeing my mom and hopefully Jennifer too.

Calm down Kim. Don't worry about what is coming. Just focus on NOW. One day at a time... one meal at a time... one moment at a time.

Ugh. Double Ugh.

What is my problem? I mean, I can give you a long list, but it really just sounds like whining.

I am definitely tired. And PMS has been a booger this month. Most months my period comes and goes with nothing more than a couple of days of cramping. Today I was on the verge of tears all day. It started this morning because it just hurt so bad! And once the tear gate is open, it just has to run it's course! And I just feel so TIRED! I keep letting out these long sighs, like I'm not breathing right or something. I don't feel out of breath. But I don't really feel good either.

I feel like I need a massage. Or a chiropractor. Or both. Brett is going to pop my back for me tonight, but I need someone to dig out the knots that are hiding in my shoulder blades. Ugh.

Also, I'm hungry. Way more than I was last week. Today is day 9 of my war against... food? Myself? The voices? Whatever. It's going okay, but the last two days I sure have been hungry. It's weird... this weekend I wasn't super hungry so I didn't eat much and I lost no weight. Yesterday I WAS super hungry but didn't stray from my food plan, ate all of my calories, and lost a bit of weight. I hope it's the PMS making me hungry. I hope this will all be a memory come Sunday. Ugh.

As I mentioned before, I've done this a few times. Gone on a mission to make healthier choices and lose weight. Sometimes it's been drama free because I'm really just doing it to reach a certain goal. Like lose X amount of weight before prom, or the wedding, or whatever. But the times that I am really trying to CHANGE... to face my demons... they are always a bit more dramatic. This time has been no exception, and it's only been 9 days.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that last week I happened across a new blog. I noticed that this girl was commenting on several of the blogs that I follow so I decided to check out her blog. Man. It's like someone picked up all of my old diaries and decided to assume a personality based on my life. She started her blog several months ago, sometime this summer I think, and shortly after, she came to the realization that she is an addict. Her food issues aren't just "issues", they are addiction. And she speaks VERY openly about her struggles. I appreciate her honesty immensely, and I love her writing. But it is very hard to read.

I can describe addictive behaviors easily because I lived that life for a long time. For years. But for the most part, even though I still struggle tremendously with my food, I don't behave like an addict. Again, I will say for the most part, because there are definitely times when I recognize behavior in myself that is "addict behavior" for lack of a better term. But I can say that those behaviors are not regularly occurring in my life right now. There has been one occasion since the wedding that I realized that I had fallen into a destructive pattern. I confessed it to Brett immediately and that made me more accountable for those choices somehow. I acknowledged the behavior and that took away the option of ignoring it.

Okay, tired is rearing it's ugly head because I am making no sense. Ramble much?

The point I am trying to make is that reading this girl's blog is almost like reliving those days. I don't know if it is affecting me in a negative way or if it is painting a clearer picture of what I am facing right now. I can't treat this change as simply a weight loss solution. This is live or die. I would like to choose life once and for all!

The holidays are always tricky because there are so many food centered events. Occasions where I can't plan every bite beforehand. I'm trying not to worry about those occasions before it's necessary. Take things one day at a time. But our first holiday party is this Friday and I'm already nervous. Well, half the time I am nervous, and half the time I am just not looking forward to it. I know that I'm not going to eat anything harmful. If there is a fruit plate, I will partake (in fact, I think I've decided to bring a fruit plate!) but I will ignore the rest of the food. The party has a Christmas morning theme so everyone is bringing breakfast foods. Pancakes and donuts are not foods that I can eat just one night at a party without them having a seriously negative effect on me. And I'm not looking forward to the party because I feel like I'm not going to enjoy it. I'm going to be wishing that I could eat all of the tastiness like everyone else. I'm going to be hungry when I get there because it starts at 6:30 and, on a Friday night, we will have to leave straight from work to get there anywhere close to on time. And I will be hungry when I leave there because all I will have eaten is a cup of fruit. And I will be just hoping that the time passes quickly in between. I HATE having that attitude. But it's our Sunday School classes Christmas party, and I haven't really made many friends in there yet. I can small talk with a small handful of people, but I don't feel like anyone there cares whether I am there or not.

Ugh! I told you I am whiny! I sound like such a brat! Like I think it's all about me! I promise I don't feel that way... I'm just struggling today.

There are two comments that I read on this girl's blog that really resonated with me. The first is something like "you can either choose the pain of discipline now, or the pain of regret later". I don't think that's the exact wording, but it's something along those lines and it really got me thinking.

The second one I read today. It said something like "some days I feel like the destructive behavior is a thing of the past, and some days I feel like it is only one bite away".

Ugh.

Okay, enough whining. Tomorrow is a new day. It will probably be similar to today, but really, the only thing bad about today was ME! My attitude. So tomorrow is a brand new chance to... everything.

And I should say that, just in case "that girl" is reading this. (I have left her a few comments...). I love your blog. I think you are so brave and so amazing. And your honesty is really humbling. You are walking a road that millions of people walk, and I know you feel alone, but keep walking. As long as you can, keep walking. Because it's life or death, ya know? Keep choosing life.

Nighttime Thoughts

I should be in bed. Brett fell asleep early and if I were a smart girl, I would have stayed in bed and let my heavy eyelids lead the way to dream land. But we were watching a movie that got my mind going, and I thought it might be quicker to spend thirty minutes on the computer and get these thoughts out, than to chase them around for hours in bed.

First, I am happy to say that dinner was a success! I was nervous! After last nights grossness when I tried a new recipe I had a tiny fear that all FOUR of the new recipes that I am trying this week would bomb. Well I don't know about the remaining two, but tonight's was a WIN! I really enjoyed it. It was a pasta dish, so I ate enough to keep my points low but unfortunately, this time around, it wasn't quite enough to make me full. Even with the veggies that I served along side it, I was still hungry. Next time I will try some healthier noodles so I can eat more!

(Guess I should have stayed in bed. I think I woke Brett up. I will try to make this quick.)

The other little rabbit that had me running in circles while I was laying in bed is regret. I think a lot about living with regret. How unfortunately, there are things in my past that I have done or that have happened that I can not change, and I will always live with the regret of those events. I don't like to think about them, and frankly, I don't want to add any more events to that list. There are other things that have happened in the past that I DO have the power to change. My career for instance. I can't say that I regret being a graphic designer for 7 years. I like what I have learned and I know that I will always use those skills wherever life takes me. But if I continued on this path for another ten years, or five, or even one, I would regret it. Whether we like it or not, jobs fill our life. Most people spend more waking hours with their coworkers than they do their friends and even their family. To stay in a job where I am unhappy for longer than is necessary is... unnecessary. I have the power to change my position. Or at least to try. Some days it feels impossible, but PEOPLE DO IT EVERYDAY. And of THEY can do it, SO CAN I! I choose not to live with the regret of staying at the wrong job.

And the food thing. I can change my patterns, but I can't take away the scars. I have inflicted pains that will never fully heal. I regret many, I repeat, MANY decisions that I have made in regards to food. I am trying to change my choices. But I am completely and utterly flawed. A day will come when I will fail, and I may fall hard enough to add another scar. But I hope and pray that I will always find a way to get back up and TRY to not make choices that I will regret for the rest of my life.

So... something I've never done... and I've often wondered if I SHOULD regret not having done this before. I've been thinking about it quite a bit lately... joining a gym. I've never really had a membership to a gym. I had a membership to Curves for a few months, but that's not the experience that I am referring to now and frankly, it's not an experience that I liked enough to try again.

Here's the deal. I confessed a few days ago that I have a secret desire to be a runner, and someone said to me that it starts with walking, which I TOTALLY agree with, and I got all excited and geared up to go for a walk and then... it was cold. And I remembered we don't have sidewalks anywhere near the apartment. And Brett doesn't like the idea of me going off to strange trails to walk by myself. And the excuses just kept coming. And they are all true. I LIKE to walk. It is a form of activity that I think about often, and have done occasionally in the past, but never long term. Because something always gets in the way.

I feel like maybe a gym would eliminate all of that? I mean the excuses. Because seriously, if you have a gym membership, what excuse do you have to not work out? Um, unless you're injured or crazy busy, you got nothin'! You don't have excuses, you just have choices. I think that I would feel safe in a gym. I wouldn't worry about the weather at a gym. And I have one two minutes from my house.

These are all compelling arguments. So what's holding me back?

Well, first of all, the money. We are trying to get our finances in order and joining a gym is one more bill. The monthly bill may not be that high, but joining usually is, and where is that money going to come from? I don't know... sometimes when I think about the sacrifices that choosing a gym membership would mean, I want to shut up, tie my laces and just go walk in the parking lot of our apartment. Good times.

I also get a tiny bit of nervous stomach when I think about actually BEING at a gym. With other people. Who aren't like me. Sigh. Expanding on that could make this already rambling post WAY too long, but I think you know what I mean.

And finally, not to sound like an overly sappy newlywed, but it's time away from Brett. From my husband who I love and who, despite the fact that I see him every night, I don't always feel like I get enough time with. Sigh. We talk about working out together. But a gym is not the answer for him right now. It is a personal choice and I would never dream of pressuring him to make that move. But does that mean that it's not the right thing for me? I honestly don't know.

Possible solution: one of my sisters has a membership at a gym in Coppell (I think). And half of my family has talked about joining with her. That is all kinds of tempting!

Okay, my tired head is winning out. I wish that I had made a little more sense in this post. I'm not really any closer to clarifying my thoughts on this issue. But now you know it is on my mind. Any input or advise you have would be much appreciated.

Off to dream land! I hope.

Monday Morning

I have to say, it feels likes multiple weeks, not just one, since I started journaling and trying to change my choices. Last week flew by and felt long at the same time. Every day was so packed with new things and thoughts and feelings. Frankly, it was a little more than I was up for. But I am thankful to say that I didn't bury my feelings or frustrations in a plate of food. I wasn't even tempted to until yesterday.

Brett and I both have a lot going on right now. He is going through constant changes at work. It's hard for him to meet his and other's expectations because those expectations seem to change from day to day. And I've got the whole "change my life with my food and job" thing going on. We are both feeling a lot of pressure (some of which we totally know is self-inflicted) and it is making us extra sensitive. Or maybe extra careless. Either way, there's a lot of saying the wrong things, being upset for a few hours and then coming to apologize going on. I hate it. I know that it's part of being married, which we are still trying to learn how to do, and we are actually going through a period of growth, but growing pains suck. I love my husband so much and I HATE when I feel like I have let him down. And I think that's all I will say about that. Sigh.

But my point was, yesterday, sitting in church alone (Brett was sick =-( Just a little stomach bug, so it's over but he was in so much pain =-( ) I found myself daydreaming about bingeing. NOT A GOOD THING. As soon as I became conscious of my stream of thoughts, I shut them down, but they kept trying to sneak back into my head. For an addict, that's where it all begins. A single thought. An idea, that grows until it seems to take on it's own life that will not extinguish until it has accomplished it's task. Sometimes it's not even so much a craving, because most of the time, when I am thinking about bingeing, it's not the food that I desire, it's the break. The numbness that comes along with shoving bite after bite into my mouth. It takes a GREAT deal of effort, and a lot of prayer, to control those thoughts. When little quick ones shoot into my head, I say "no". Sometimes I say it out loud. And I usually say it a dozen times or so, because I say it every time that the thought appears while I frantically search for something else on which to focus my thoughts. Yesterday, those thoughts fortunately didn't take me anywhere. Some days being by myself in a car driving past dozens of drive-thru restaurants is torture. But yesterday, life just moved on.

My food was really weird this weekend, and I am hoping that the week is more normal. After being 400 calories over my goal on Friday, I unintentionally ended up being 400 calories UNDER my goal on both Saturday and Sunday. I had a sandwich and chips for both of my meals on Saturday, and turkey and mustard on wheat bread with some baked lays, though it is very filling, doesn't add up to a days worth of calories. We were totally out of fruit and veggies at home and I didn't feel safe snacking on the food that was available so I just didn't. Then yesterday I ordered soup and salad for lunch and the soup was GROSS! And then I tried a new recipe for dinner and it was GROSS!

BUT, I am happy to say that Brett and I spent a small fortune at the grocery store yesterday and the fridge is full of veggies! My fruit bowl only has apples in it, but I've got some fresh pineapple in the fridge too. Yumm yumm, eat 'em up! I am trying a new yogurt this week. I am VERY loyal to my Yoplait Light Vanilla, but it is a pretty large serving, and I always find myself wishing that it had fewer calories. So I am trying the smaller portioned, way less calories, Fiber One vanilla. I'll let you know what I think. I am one picky yogurt eater!

Say a little prayer for me today. I still feel like I am in the middle of a battle fumbling for weapons.

So... About Saltgrass

I did much better yesterday in the "freak out before hand" category than I did Thursday. On Thursday I was nervous because I didn't know exactly what I would be eating. But going to a restaurant? I can totally look up stats before I even walk through the door!

Actually, Saltgrass is one of the restaurants that has STILL not posted nutrition information on their food. What's up with that? Get in the game Saltgrass!!! But they do have their menu posted online, so with a little help from CalorieKing, I had estimates written down for my entire meal.

Only catch? Saltgrass has changed their menu. A LOT! The "grilled pork chops" are no longer two 8 ozish top cut lean pork chops, it is a HUGE center cut (much fattier) double pork chop. The rice is different too, but I stuck with the stats I had written down previously because I don't really know what the difference is. But I didn't panic. I skipped the bread and appetizer like I had planned and just ate my Caesar salad with the dressing on the side. I'm not much of a cheese person, and lettuce is DEFINITELY not one of the few food items that I don't mind cheese on, so I scrapped the cheese off to the side when my salad came. I used the WW method of dipping my fork into the dressing before putting salad on my fork so I get just a tiny bit of dressing flavor without it being all over the lettuce. I didn't even use a teaspoon of the dressing they brought me, and it was still delicious! I did however eat most of the croutons. I hadn't committed beforehand to skip those like I had the bread and appetizer. I decided to decide when I got there. And they were worth the "YES"!

I stopped eating the pork chop halfway through. I was trying to estimate 8 ozs. But I went back to CalorieKing this morning and looked up the info for center cut. TWICE what I had looked up previously! I also only ate half of the rice. I brought home the leftovers, but I am planning to let Brett eat them. It was tasty, but if I am going to indulge, give me ice cream, people!!! ICE CREAM!

(Speaking of ice cream made me remember that a frozen yogurt shop just opened two minutes from me! And I got a coupon in the mail yesterday!!! Guess where I am going today! I'll let you know how it goes =-)

After dinner we stopped at Panera for Brett's mom to grab something for breakfast this morning. I had a hot chai and it was delicious. What I got was not what I was expecting, but it was till delicious.

Okay, that's pretty much all that I had to say. I wanted to let you know that Saltgrass went well (down on the scale this morning even though I was over my goal yesterday) and wish you a happy Saturday!

We are putting up our tree today and grocery shopping. Double WOOHOO!!!

"Like 5 Peanut Butter M&Ms"

Gold star to anyone who can tell me what movie my title is quoting. Love that movie!

I crave sweets. I crave all kinds of things, but I love sweets. I wasn't a dessert person growing up (sweets for snacks, that's another story - but we didn't eat dessert after every meal in my family) but that changed in college thanks to the campus cafeteria. Um, hello? You really expect me to walk past the soft serve machine on my way out of the cafeteria and not grab a cone? Everyone did it! And after 4 years of doing it, I got used to finishing my meal with something sweet. I never got over that. It doesn't matter what I've eaten or how full I am, I have to have a little something sweet before I feel "done" eating.

Weight Watchers taught me how to manage that habit. Sweets don't have to kill your eating plan. In fact, they can be a perfectly acceptable part of your eating plan! You just have to make your choices without sacrificing your goals.

How do I do that? One word. Pudding.

Jell-o Sugar Free Dark Chocolate pudding to be exact. It is SO tasty! The perfect 60 calorie creamy ending to my weekday lunch.

Unfortunately I ran out of them yesterday. And since we bought food for this week only, I didn't have any other sweet option that I could bring to work. This morning as I was packing my lunch I told myself not to panic. Maybe my lunch would fill me up and I wouldn't even notice. Or maybe gum would do the trick.

Yeah. That didn't happen.

As some of you may remember, we have two quarter candy machines in the office. They are currently filled with Skittles and, my personal favorite, Peanut M&Ms. Every now and then I crave Skittles, but 99% of the time, it's no contest. I'm an M&M girl. Thankfully, a quarter only gives you 6 Peanut M&Ms.

Thank goodness I only had 1 quarter.

p.s. Thank goodness I proofread before hitting "publish post" because I wrote that my lunch would "feel me up". I meant fill me up. Still laughing.

Dinner Success... and Another Obstacle

Thank you so much to everyone who sent me texts and comments yesterday. Your encouragement and advice was really helpful last night. Thank you especially to Jenn who got my email and prayed immediately. Yesterday was the first day that I wasn't hungry all day. I was hungry when I got home from work though. I had a little snack before I left for Krista's and then at Krista's I had a serving of taco soup (delicious) without any extras and one small dessert bar. TOTALLY worth going over my calories a bit yesterday. Hello Dolly indeed! And this morning I am down 1.2 pounds from yesterday.

I think that I am going to post weekly weigh-ins on Friday mornings. Weekends are always tough for me because I have more freedom with my time. The schedule really helps me during the week. But I think that posting on Fridays will get me into the right mind set for the weekend.

This week was a typical first week on plan. Thank goodness, people usually drop a few pounds when they first switch to WW or whatever plan. I think that is just the extra food leaving your body. haha. On Monday I was at 243.2. This morning the scale said 237.4. If I can make it to Monday still with that number, I will be blessed indeed!

So last night went well. Aside from the food drama, it was a GREAT night of conversation. Jenn couldn't make it =-( She is sick. So we were one diva short. But Jage and Krista were wonderful as always! I sure love those ladies. Krista lives in Wylie but it's a pretty easy drive. I think I was on a total of 6 streets between here and there. Nice! I was home by 10:35 and in bed by 11:30.

Tonight Brett's mom is taking us to Saltgrass Steakhouse. I already know what I am going to order. It is definitely going to push my numbers a little high, but it's a pretty healthy option and I am going to try my best to stop eating when I am full. I'm not really a steak person and most of their chicken dishes are so tricked up that the stats aren't great, but they offer grilled pork chops that are really tasty. I won't feel deprived and hopefully I won't draw any attention from Brett's mom who always comments when I order chicken at steak places.

I hope that everyone has a great Friday! I am praying that this weekend we manage our money well, we encounter some good friends, we get some much needed rest, we make good food choices and we honor God in the process.

Thank You Jennifer!

I just read a really encouraging comment from someone. I'm so thankful that I made the decision to talk about my food struggles on this blog. It has ALREADY had an impact on my days. Seriously... it's so easy to feel like the definition of pathetic because I struggle with the same things over and over again, and to someone else, my struggles wouldn't even register. But I am NOT the only person who fights this fight.

Jennifer, the super sweet commenter, said that, like me, she has a desire to be a runner. And this year she ran her first two 5Ks! That's EXACTLY what I've been thinking about! I can't run a marathon, but maybe I can work towards a 5K. I've heard of something called "couch to 5K" and now that someone has reached out to me and told me that it CAN be done, I'm totally going to check it out!

Thank you Jennifer. Your words mean so much to me.

Nervous... A Potential Fail

Okay so. Tonight is my monthly Dining with Divas. It's at Krista's house tonight. She is making taco soup, which I love.

I can do this. Right?

I'm nervous that I will eat too much. I'm nervous because it's food that I am not preparing so I don't know the exact stats to journal. And I'm nervous because my breakfast, lunch and snacks today are the exact same as I had yesterday (because that's all that I have right now) and yesterday I was hungry.

But I CAN do this. I want to see my Divas. They are so important to me. And I don't want these monthly events to be something that I dread in ANY way to ANY to degree! This is life. Like Jamie says, embracing balance! I CAN do this. Not everything that I eat for the rest of my life will be a) super healthy and b) in my control. So let's focus on what I CAN control. I can control how much I eat. I can remind myself that this is not the last thing that I will ever eat, so there is no need to stuff myself! AND, I can drink a bottle of water on my way there.

I also think that I am going to send an email to Jenn today (who will be there tonight) and tell her about my concerns. I think that if I say it to someone who will be there, I will be more likely to control my portions.

I CAN DO THIS!

Good For Him... and Then There's Me

My dad posts weekly weigh-ins every Wednesday on his blog. I weigh myself every morning. Today we weigh the same amount. Of course, my dad is five inches taller than me, so 239.6 on him looks like a LOT less than it does on me. Sigh.

I'm happy for my dad. And I guess I should be thankful that his weight loss journey helped me to realize how bad off I am... I hope that we can both get down to a healthy weight and undo some of the damage we have inflicted on our bodies.

Also, I'm really bored at work today. Wish I were at home.

The end.

Mental Progress

Okay, I think that overnight I decided that I will go with the WW estimate of 50 calories per point to get my daily intake goal. Last night that would have been 1500, but as of this morning, make it 1450. I'm back in the 230s. So there is my goal.

I am also solidifying my action plan for the certification program. I haven't really done anything since signing up. The classes don't start for another month, but there are some online courses that I can start anytime. Well I have decided that "anytime" is this Saturday for me. We have a pretty easy weekend planned. Dinner with his mom on Friday, but no other activities other than grocery shopping. I'm excited about grocery shopping and want to be very intentional with what we buy, but most of that planning will hopefully happen over the next few nights. So Saturday, I want to start my online classes. See how they go. Next week (when we have the money) I am going to sign up for my certification tests, which I am totally nervous about. I want to be an art teacher, but since those jobs are few and far between, I am also getting certified in Generalist EC-6. If I am going to have one class of kids for an entire day, I would like them to be young. I actually think I would enjoy kindergarten. Totally different from middle school art, which is my first preference, but there you have it.

I have no idea what is on those tests, but there are study guides online that I hope to explore this weekend and books that you can buy which I hope to find at Half Price Books and possibly also purchase next week.

So I feel really good that my thoughts are becoming a little more organized and a little less chaotic. Brett and I had a really good night last night. We found our quality time in the form of a Star Trek 25th anniversary special on the Bio channel. It was filmed in 1991... would have been more interesting if it were more current. But it was really nice to sit on the couch with my husband and just be quiet. TONIGHT... I hope to put up our tree. How much nicer would last night have been if we had been basking in the glow of our pre-lit, four foot, needs replacing Christmas tree???

I hope you have a blessed day! I'm off to begin mine.

Feeling Good After Dinner Success

I've tried several new recipes since getting married because, like I've mentioned recently, I want to build our recipe choices. I want to have meals that I know how to make. Preferably meals that don't come from a box.

One of my favorite go to meals is plain and simple and comes from all sorts of packages... tacos. I love taco night! Tacos are a food that I don't really get tired of. At least, not tacos the way I like them! I like my beef tacos crunchy and my chicken tacos soft. When we have taco night, which we do ALMOST once a week, I make crunchy beef tacos. Well actually, turkey tacos. I buy the Jenny-O lean (not extra lean because it's $7-$8 a pound... who can afford that??? Not me!) ground turkey and just mix it with Kroger brand taco seasoning and I am in heaven! I usually top them with lettuce, cheese and Pace mild salsa. Usually served with Rice-a-roni Spanish rice. See what I mean by all sorts of packages? Even the lettuce comes wrapped in plastic... sheesh!

But this weekend when I said that I was ready for another taco night and Brett seemed less than enthused, I said that I could do quesadillas instead and he suggested using the chicken we were already planning to buy. Not exactly what I had in mind, but I saw it as an opportunity for a new recipe so I said sure thing!

I know that you can buy chicken taco seasoning just like you can buy beef taco seasoning, but at work today I decided that fajitas would be easier and that we probably had all of the ingredients we need to make our own rub. So I googled "chicken fajita rub" and ended up going with the first recipe that I found.

Umm... insert "We Are The Champions" here. It was SO good! A really easy marinade, and I sliced the chicken just right and cooked it just long enough (I tend to overcook chicken because I am paranoid about under cooking it...). The marinade was just a mixture of chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, corn starch, oil and water. I put it all in a Ziploc bag, tossed in the three small chicken breasts that I had sliced into 1/2 inch thick slices, and let it sit in the fridge for 30 minutes while I cooked some peppers and onions!

I'm just so pleased! Most of the new recipes I have tried have been just okay, but this feels like a winner. Brett wasn't as enthusiastic as I was, (he's a beef guy, I'm totally a chicken girl!) but he was definitely positive. I think that I could make it again and even use it for all sorts of tasty Mexican chicken needs!

I did spend more calories than was necessary though because I used tortillas instead of taco shells... I am just not a fan of crunchy chicken tacos. It just doesn't work for me!

I ate my two tacos and rice and was still hungry. So I ate about a third of a too ripe banana and chunked it, and was still hungry. But I waited for about 45 minutes, then I did a couple of chores and now I am chugging some water and feeling much better. I may make a cup of tea and watch Brett play some Assassin's Creed before I go to bed... I think my tummy would be just right with a cup of tea!

So overall, this was a good food day. I am thinking about what I can do differently next week... we, thankfully, will have a bigger grocery budget this weekend!

I am also thinking about what my actual calorie intake per day goal should be. Goodness, that's a mouthful. On Weight Watchers, a point is approximately 50 calories, and if I were doing WW right now, I would be allowed 30 points a day. So that is 1500 calories. That is the number that I have been trying to stay under since I started my original food journal this summer, but really, I like to be closer to 1300. I don't know why. I just like that number better. I need to put some real thought into it and set a concrete goal. Not a strict rule, just a goal.

Okay, off for a nice cup of tea in my new Snuggie (which kind of makes me look like a Jedi. Nice =-)

Better... So Far

My day has been okay. Work has been smooth and food has been good choices, but it is 4:40 and I am hungry. The dinner that we have planned is a little higher in cals than I would like, but I may switch the tortillas for tostada shells. That should make a BIG difference! Like, two for the price of one!

I tried Kroger brand oatmeal for the first time this morning. Noticeable flavor difference (not bad, just different), and 10 calories more, but it is less than half the price of Quaker and I felt like there was more in my bowl! I think I'll deal with the ten calories and make a permanent switch!

I am committed to some quality time with the hubs tonight. Not sure exactly what that will look like... but we need it. I would really like to put up the tree, but that may be my idea of quality time and his idea of torture. We'll find out =-)

Still really wanting to make some concrete goals this week and tonight is my only "down time" until Saturday, so maybe I can do some listing while he games a bit after dinner? We'll see.

Thanks for the encouragement over the last few days. They've been toughies. Your words really are a huge comfort!

Simpsons Quote of the Day - 12.1.09

Homer: If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers...